Idiotic Reasons
by G1Park
Summary: People have idiotic reasons on how they started to like someone, but that doesn't mean that their feelings aren't honest and real.
1. Chapter 1

**Idiotic Reasons**

**I don't own Naruto**

Anyone can distinguish an idiot. It's fairly easy; a good example would be Uzumaki Naruto. Explaining why an idiot is an idiot is not quite as easy. Oh, it's easy to give reasons on why a certain person is an idiot, but to actually detail the reason would require quite a bit of philosophy. Uzumaki Naruto is an idiot because he's weird. What makes him weird? Uh…….because he's loud. So being loud makes someone an idiot, like Hokage-sama, right? She gets pretty loud when she drinks and gambles (not to mention when she's angry and irritated). However, claiming that the number one ninja of a ninja village is an idiot could lead to unwanted consequences; like having your leg surgically removed and replaced inside your anus. But we are getting off point here. We all know that Tsunade-sama is not an idiot. Why? She just isn't. So, that leads us back to the question of why Naruto is an idiot. Okay, new reason, he's annoyingly loud. Ah yes, how simple it is to equate annoyingness with idiocy. We don't know why being annoying results into idiocy, we just do. And who can forget that Naruto is the class dobe, which of course means he's an idiot. Forget the fact that his class consisted of a book-nerd with a large forehead, a genius from a tragic genius clan, a lazy baka with an IQ over 200, an heir to the most prestigious clan in Konoha, and so on. That doesn't matter; a dobe is a dobe, regardless of circumstances.

But we are getting way off topic here; the point of the matter is that idiots are easy to distinguish; however, explaining why they are idiots can be extremely tricky. The reasoning behind idiocy just leads to more idiocy, a never ending cycle that humans fall prey to. Let us analyze Uzumaki Naruto. Uzumaki Naruto has always liked Haruno Sakura. There's nothing idiotic about that at all. The thing that first caught his attention about his Sakura-chan is her hair. Once again, nothing is wrong with starting to like someone over a certain feature. In fact, females in general use their looks (and in Sakura's case, her hair) to capture the attention of the opposite sex. Naruto started liking Sakura because she had the longest hair of all the females he knew of in his age range. Ah………now **that** can be misconstrued as an idiotic reason. It's just not normal to like someone because their hair is long; it's a fact that isn't widely accepted in society, thus leading to labeling Naruto as an idiot.

But in defense of Naruto, the Kyuubi-container isn't an idiot. He's just perceived as one. The blonde ramen fiend in his quest to become the greatest Hokage of all time stumbled upon many explanations of why things are just the way things are. He one time overheard a mother tell her daughter why girls have longer hair than boys. "It's because boys like girls with long hair." Excited with his newfound knowledge, the young boy **logically** reasoned that since boys liked girls with long hair, he should therefore start liking girls with long hair. Since he was going to be the best there ever was in everything he did, he then found the girl with the longest hair and started his stalking…..errr…..admiring of Sakura-chan. A completely non-idiotic reason if completely thought out. Feel stupid for thinking Naruto's reason is idiotic? Well don't, because anything idiotic can be reasoned with a colorful use of words into something plausible with the right amount of imagination.

Now that your mind is completely frazzled by this trivial information, let us return to why this information is needed to clarify a situation. A now 17 year old Uzumaki Naruto has fallen in love with Yamanako Ino. But wait, what about Sakura? How can Naruto fall for someone else when he is infatuated with the youngest Haruno? Even after having her hair shortened, Naruto continued to like Sakura. Even after defeating a demon possessed psychopath known as Gaara and not receiving any acknowledgement from his crush, he continued to like Sakura. Even after promising to bring back one of the traitorous Uchiha that she boldly claimed that she loved to a heartbroken scapegoat of Konoha, he continued to like her. Throughout his entire three years, he built a reputation outside of Konoha that only a hero could allege to having. And even though he acquired quite a number of female followers during his reputation building, much to the glee of a perverted teacher, he continued to like his pink-haired goddess. Throughout all this pain and suffering, he continued to like her and follow her like the loyal friend that only Uzumaki Naruto was capable of.

So, why has the eternal rival of the pink-haired goddess caught the attention of Konoha's number one surprising ninja? For a year after his return from his training trip, he formed a tight working bond with Sakura, keeping Team Seven alive and well. It was at this point, close to a year after his return to Konoha, where all of his adoration came to a painstaking halt. In an intoxicated state, Sakura blurted out that she loved Naruto, which of course lead to Naruto whooping and leaping for joy………until she giggled at his shenanigans and said that him acting like the way he was at the moment was why she considered him her best friend, a brother that she never had. **AW HELL NO!** Best friend status, also dubbed as the "mission failed, find love elsewhere."

Thus began Naruto's search for a new girl to stalk….errrr…….admire. Twelve hours and sixteen minutes after making his life-changing decision, he stumbled upon Ino. Ino was walking out of the public bath house with her hair down, allowing Naruto to see that she quite possibly had the longest hair in his age group. Of course, this made his decision of choosing her as his next victim…..errr…..crush easy. Yes, this was the only factor to his decision making. Her wearing, in his opinion, a modest (skin-tight) white (see-through) chemise (deep v-neck and showing off her midriff) had absolutely nothing to do with his decision at all. Yup, nothing at all.

As Ino walked out of the bath house, she couldn't help but notice a drooling Naruto gawking at her direction. Feeling self-conscious, she felt disgusted about the blatant ogling of her body, until she turned around and saw a ramen booth. Lightly knocking her head with her knuckles, she chuckled as she realized her stupidity at her initial assumption. '_Naruto was just drooling at the sight and smell of ramen. He isn't the kind of guy to gawk at a woman's body. He's too much of an idiot. Plus, he's crazy over forehead girl and waaaaaaay too loyal to her._' Poor Ino, you should never go against your woman intuition.

"Long time no see Naruto, close your mouth, I think I saw a fly go in." Naruto quickly snapped out of his daze and used his ninja skills to act like he wasn't mentally disrobing Ino…….while having his gaze glued on her chest. Luckily for Naruto, Ino was facing the ramen booth. "Hey Naruto, wanna head over and get some ramen? I haven't had anything to eat yet, and I don't want to eat alone." A recovered and stabilized shinobi of Konoha responded with a smirk, "It really must have been a long time if you need to ask me if I want to go get some ramen."

"Baka, I was just following social protocol and asked to be polite. Wait right here, let me go put up my bath supplies. Be back in a minute, on second thought, go ahead and sit down and order me a miso ramen." As Ino finished her instructions, she quickly turned around and left, giving Naruto a very enjoyable view of Ino's backside. '_Whoa, those are some tight shorts. Damn, I really need to stop hanging out with Ero-sennin. While I'm at it, I think I should limit my time with Kakashi-sensei too._'

As Naruto sat down and ordered his and her food, Ino returned. (Hey man, they're ninja, they, like, run at the speed of light.) Much to Naruto's chagrin, his ramen partner was dressed in her normal attire. But before he could further mentally wail about the platinum blonde's form of dress, she interrupted his thoughts with a question, "So Naruto, how's life been treating ya?"

"Not bad, just going with the flow for now. How bout you?"

"Just busy trying to catch up to the rest of you. I just made chuunin recently and apprenticed myself to the interrogation department. Figured my stealth and scouting skills is about as good as it gets, might as well work on some other field I can specialize. Trying to catch up to Forehead is nearly impossible now; she's come a long way ever since she became Tsunade-sama's apprentice. So now, I'm just trying live up to the name of being one of the Rookie Nine." At this Ino just sighed. Reminding herself about how far behind she is compared to the rest of her friends left her in a depressed state. She was last in becoming a chuunin, minus Naruto because he was gone for three years, and her mission history was laughable compared to the likes of Neji and Shikamaru.

"Ahhh….cheer up Ino. At least you're a chuunin. I failed my last three tries and I'm still a gennin. Not quite Hokage worthy achievements, huh?"

At this Ino chuckled, "Yeah, I guess you're not quite on the fast track to Hokage. But did they ever tell you why they didn't promote you? After all, you've made it to the finals every time and have yet to be defeated in the chuunin exam finals."

Naruto merely looked down at his ramen and said, "I didn't display leadership quality and I have a lack of discipline and restraint."

Ino's brows furrowed at the response. It was obvious from Naruto's tone of voice that something was wrong. "That's a load of bull, isn't it? They're just trying to find a way to deny you of promotion."

"……"

"Why are they denying you of your promotion?" After another few seconds of silence from the whiskered blonde, Ino just huffed and slurped on her ramen. '_Damn jerk, just trying to be nice and make conversation and here he is not saying a word. He's starting to sound like Sasuke._'

"Thanks for caring. Hehe, stop acting all mad, I was just trying to come up with an answer, but there isn't one I can give."

"But you know why they won't promote you."

"……"

"Are you going to start speaking mime every time I bring up the topic of your promotion?"

"Yea, until I can find an answer to that particular topic."

Ino gave an exasperated sigh and finished off her ramen. They continued to make small talk for a few more minutes until Ino stood up and paid. She was about to say goodbye and leave when Naruto cut her off.

"There's a festival happening next week. Do you want to go?" At this point, Naruto sheepishly scratched the back of his head. He was contemplating on how to get his new relationship with Ino started. He saw that she paid and was about to leave, when he just blurted the first thing he came up with. After mentally berating himself for sounding so desperate, he just watched Ino contemplate the idea.

After a few more seconds of thinking about it, she replied, "Actually, that sounds like a good idea." Naruto silently cheered at his newest conquest. "I'm pretty sure it would be fun to have a reunion between the Rookie Nine and we can also invite Gai's team as well. Everyone has been busy with missions, that I haven't had a chance to catch up with any of them." The smile Naruto had on while cheering stayed on his face, but a visible twitch in his eye signaled his distress.

"Uhm….Ino…I think you misunderstood me. Inviting the rest of the gang is fine with me, and you're right, it would be a good time to catch up and have fun, but when I asked you, I was specifically asking _you_ to go with me." By the end of his explanation, Naruto fidgeted uncharacteristically.

After doing the standard blink-blink that all anime characters display in a moment of surprise, she squawked out, "Uzumaki Naruto, are you asking me out on a date?!?!"

Naruto quickly looked around seeing if anyone he knew was listening. After calming down and his heartbeat restored to a normal pace he answered. "You know, you don't have to talk loud enough so that the rest of the village can notice the intense and awkward moment I'm having." After taking a deep breath, he continued, "And yes, I did ask you out on a date." After waiting for a bit and realizing that she wasn't going to respond anytime soon, he asked again. "Will you go out on a date with me?"

Now that the moment of truth arrived, Naruto readied himself for Ino's answer; however, this time, it was his turn to blink-blink. He began to clean his ear out after hearing her answer and asked her to repeat, thinking he didn't hear right.

"No."

Now, when a girl says no flat out, it means usually that the guy has no chance at all. It also means that the girl isn't trying to be nice and break the news to you softly. It means, "I'm annoyed by you right now and I'm telling this as straightforward as I can." Naruto by all means should be devastated at this point; however, Naruto was more confused than anything. Usually when he asked a girl for something in the past four years, girls literally went starry-eyed and responded with a very enthusiastic yes. After being conditioned to receiving positive answers, he wasn't able to process the fact that he was rejected. Being puzzled about this mystery, he just simply asked, "Why?"

"Why? Well, because you're Naruto"

Now if that isn't an idiotic reason to reject someone, than I don't know what is. So Naruto was still confused because Ino's answer just didn't seem to help solve his mystery. Noticing Naruto's blank stare, Ino just crossed her arms together and asked Naruto a question.

"What about Forehead?"

"Huh, Sakura-chan? What does Sakura-chan have anything to do with this?"

Wanting to bash his head into the nearest wall, Ino restrained herself and replied with an even voice. "Isn't she the only girl that you claimed to love? After all, you did break Hinata-chan's heart claiming that you will forever try to win Sakura's heart."

"Why would Hinata-chan have a broken heart over that?"

This time, she wanted to bash _her_ head into the nearest wall, but prevented herself because she was pretty sure that it would be painful to do so. "Don't get off topic Naruto. I thought you liked Sakura."

"Yeah, I did," said a drawling Naruto who took his gaze off of Ino while talking. "I realized it was time to move on. I was just hurting myself. Even though I knew all along what my role with Sakura-chan was, I didn't let myself admit it, until I had no choice but see how she truly felt about me."

Understanding his pain, Ino sympathized with her fellow blonde. She had a similar experience with the lazy bastard known as Nara Shikamaru. After Sasuke's defection, Ino decided it was time to move on. Sasuke betraying Konoha and the fact she didn't truly have strong feelings for him made the decision fairly easy. Once Ino decided to move on, she quickly found herself spending more time with her lazy teammate. Starting to find herself attached to the lazy genius, she invested all her emotions to the cloud-watcher. She believed things were going fine until an appearance of a Sand Nin put a wrench into her quest of winning her love interest's affection. Basically to make a long story short, she fought a losing battle for Shikamaru's interest. Getting over Shikamaru proved much more difficult and painful than getting over Sasuke was.

"I'm sorry Naruto. It's pretty painful to admit to yourself that you'll never have the wanted attention of a beloved." Ino's eyes softened as she consoled the heartbroken blonde. "I bet you're feeling pretty down in the dumps right now, but don't worry, I'm pretty sure you'll find someone else to harass…..errrr……love pretty soon."

"But Ino, I have found someone else. It's you." Shortly after he said this, Naruto began to sweat. Ino narrowed her eyes at Naruto and began staring, causing Naruto's discomfort. Gulping down a lump in his throat and losing a few more gallons of liquid, a common side-effect of being a victim to the fearsome Death Glare no Jutsu, Naruto recomposed himself. '_Damn, she's pretty good at that. I didn't even see her do the hand seals for that jutsu. She must have a lot of practice doing it._'

With a voice of ice that put Haku's ice jutsu to shame, Ino carefully replied, "I'm pretty sure I'll be a horrible choice. I suggest you reconsider your options and pick again."

"But I don't want to pick again. I like you."

Softening her gaze, Ino asked, "Why me?"

"Well that's easy, because you got really long hair." Ino's gaze hardened again, to the point where Naruto struggled to keep his knees from shaking. "Hahaha…..what I meant was I find myself attracted to you, and your hair is one of the features that have captivated me."

Naruto's attempt at suaveness was met with a snort. "Uh-huh. So if I had short hair, you would never have considered me. Is that right? I'm also guessing this is the reason why you never considered Hinata."

"No, you can't say that. I could have still picked you even if you had shorter hair, you never know. Plus you're way hotter than Hinata; I would choose you over her any day of the week." Okay, maybe Naruto was stretching the truth; Hinata was hot. After his long training trip, he was very surprised to see Hinata grow up to become a beautiful woman. Blatantly choosing Ino over Hinata probably wouldn't happen, but Naruto was truthful on how he saw Ino. Over the years, Ino achieved a very high ranking of Konoha's most beautiful kunoichi. Being very well proportioned and skilled in the ninja arts, regardless of how she feels about her ninja skills, Ino has a dominant featuring role in most of Konoha's male fantasies. So choosing Ino over Hinata is an outcome that Naruto could truthfully claim.

In Ino's case, hearing Naruto quickly state Ino was more desirable than Hinata boosted her ego. Even though she was used to receiving flattering comments from the male population, she still struggled to keep the blush from appearing on her face.

"You should be glad Hinata isn't here to hear that. But regardless of that, I guess I'm flattered to hear you say that about me. The way you said that makes me think you really mean it, and that you weren't trying to cover your ass from that stupid comment you made earlier about my hair." Naruto was about to speak up but Ino held up a hand and stopped him. "However, my answer is still the same. Get over Sakura with some other girl." After finishing her statement, Ino turned around started to walk away.

Tired of hearing rejection, Naruto once again tried to find the reason behind her flat-out refusal. "How come you don't want to go out with me? And don't say because I'm Naruto, that's a lame excuse and you know it."

"Look, you're getting over Sakura. That's great; I think you're making a smart decision in that and I hope you succeed. But you have to understand that even though I support you in your decision, I refuse to play the part of the rebound."

'_Oh, I see now. I guess I can see how she thinks she's a rebound._' "You're not a rebound Ino. You're just taking this the wrong way."

"Oh really, how long has it been since you decided on moving on?"

"It's been awhile, I swear. It's been like…." Naruto quickly made some calculations, "840 minutes."

Ino narrowed her eyes _again_. "So, you _decided_ to like me 14 hours after you give up on Sakura. I'm the first girl you come upon with _long hair_, and now you're head over heels for me. Is that it?"

At this point, Ino reinforced her Death Glare no Jutsu and Naruto chuckled nervously, "Hehehehe….wow, you computed that number pretty fast. You're beautiful and smart. How can any guy not fall for you?" '_Holy freaking crap, how long can she hold that jutsu, she's gotta have more chakra than me to keep this up._'

Seeing that Ino wasn't letting up, Naruto tried again. "Look Ino, I truly like you and I'm not saying or feeling this because I'm in a vulnerable state right now."

All Ino did was stomp her feet and let out a frustrated sigh. "You're not getting the point Naruto. You follow Sakura around for who knows how long like a little dog and after you realize you can't have her, you come to me. How do you think that makes me feel? I feel like I'm second best. Not to mention you just haphazardly pick me 14 hours after you decide to chase another girl. I'm not the girl you like; I'm just the object you picked next to follow around."

"Ino, that's not how- "

"NO NARUTO, no. The answer is no. So please stop asking me." Ino finished her tirade without anger and silently pleaded with her eyes for Naruto to give up.

Naruto looked away after Ino finished. After a few awkward seconds, Naruto quietly said, "Okay Ino. I'll stop, but I won't give up. Uzumaki Naruto never gives up. That is my nindo. I'll stop bothering you for now, but I'm going to prove to you that you're not a convenient choice or second best. We're already friends, at least I hope we are, and I'll deepen our friendship and get to know you better. And after I learn more about you and you learn more about me, I'll ask again. And if you reject me again, I'll just annoy you until I drive you insane and you finally say yes." Naruto concluded with his infamous fox-smirk, showing determination that scared Ino into thinking Naruto was serious. Too bad for Ino that Naruto was being serious.

Shrugging her shoulder, Ino returned Naruto's smirk with one of her own, "I guess I can't help it if guys go crazy over me. Just don't be depressed when I make it hard on you and reject you again."

"Hah…..like you'll be able resist my irresistible charms."

Laughing lightly, Ino couldn't help but silently encourage Naruto to try. After all, if he truly felt that way about Ino, who was she to stand in the way of…..NO……NO……this is Naruto for crying out loud. It's cute and all that he declared all of this to her, but it's not going to happen. '_There is no way we are ever going to be together. But, he does make a good friend; after all, Sakura has reminded me time and time again of that fact. Maybe it won't hurt to be better friends._'

"Even though I don't want to date you, the idea about the festival sounds appealing. Let's gather everyone up and have a good time. Sound like a plan?"

All Naruto did was smirk and nod in agreement.


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own Naruto**

Ino was facing a dilemma. Looking into the mirror, Ino liked what she saw when she let her hair down. Ino originally intended to go to the festival with her hair down; however, as she remembered certain comments made about her hair from another blonde, Ino let out a frustrated sigh. Naruto was literally popping up everywhere. Oh, he kept his word when he said he wouldn't bother her; all he was doing was saying hi whenever their paths crossed, which seemed like every ten minutes or so. Being the master of a certain forbidden jutsu, Ino suspected Naruto was using Kage Bunshin to greet Ino at every turn of the corner. In fact, after seeing Naruto magically pop up in front of her when she went to do her laundry, she immediately attacked Naruto. But instead of poofing away like she expected, Naruto yelled out in pain and started rubbing his head asking why the hell she hit him. Ino, who was surprised at the outcome, since she seriously thought it was a bunshin, apologized while being grateful that she didn't use a kunai to attack.

So while he kept his side of the bargain and didn't bother Ino too much, the fact of the matter was completely opposite. Not only did she see him everywhere, but in her private time as well she couldn't help but think about the energetic blonde, like right now. It was starting to aggravate her to the point where she felt she didn't have a moment's peace. But she didn't blame Naruto; after all, it would be petty to blame this on him. But who could she blame it on?

Ino just shook her head, and started to do her hair up the normal way she always has it. No need to give Naruto incentive to try harder. Plus, every time she let her hair down, she seemed to gain unwanted admirers, and having Naruto being an admirer proved to be one too many fans for her to handle. While she dealt with admirers fairly quickly, Naruto proved to be much more diligent in following Ino around. '_It has to be karma. After rejecting a numerous amount of guys, Kami-sama sent the one guy who does __**not**__ give up in anything. Not to mention this guy can multiply himself into the thousands making it __**that**__ much harder to avoid him._'

Finishing up with her hair, Ino dressed in her yukata and set off to the designated meeting place. Walking towards the bridge that everyone agreed to meet at, she was fairly embarrassed seeing how she was the last one to get there.

"Oh, I see _Princess_ Ino finally decided to grace us with her presence." Sarcasm was dripping from Kiba's voice much to the aggravation of Ino.

"Stop it Kiba, you should know that girls take a longer time to get ready." Ah, good ole Sakura. Ino gently smiled at her childhood friend, appreciating the support she was receiving. "Plus, being a blonde requires her to take twice as long to figure things out. So you should have been expecting this." Ah, good ole forehead girl. Ino started to scowl at her childhood rival with her hands itching to strangle the pink-haired bitch.

However, before Ino could attempt murder, Naruto jumped in and saved his teammate from a horrendous death. "Don't sweat it Ino, Sakura-chan and Kiba are just jealous cuz us blondes are the superior race."

Snorting back a retort, Kiba responded with, "Superior race my ass. Everyone knows blondes are idiots and bimbos."

"I'd like to see you say that to the Hokage in her face." This immediately shut up Kiba, and everyone that snickered about the blonde comment winced and looked around, seeing if their leader with a gambling problem was around. Kiba on the other hand recovered from the momentary scare and just laughed it off and came back with a blonde joke. "Hah….don't try to scare me by using the Hokage. Blondes are the inferior race. I mean c'mon, do you know what the difference between a blonde and a mosquito is? No? Well, the mosquito stops sucking when you slap it!"

After making the joke, Kiba started laughing like a maniac thinking, '_Oh yeah. I bet Hinata and Shino thinks I look cool right now. And I ain't even done yet_.' "Do you know how to confuse a blonde…..you tell the blonde to go pee in the corner of a circular room. Do you know how a blonde confuses you; the blonde comes back and says she did."

By now, Ino was furious. Sure, it didn't really hurt her feelings or anything about the blonde jokes, but she had her pride, and she couldn't let Kiba dog on blondes like that. Once again ready to commit a capital offense, Ino prepared to serve divine justice for all blondes when Naruto stopped her. Naruto had a smirk on his face and just pointed behind Kiba's back. The laughing Kiba paused in his laughing to see what Naruto was pointing at……….only to see the Godaime standing there giving Kiba the standard S-Class glare that only females seem capable of giving.

Now at this point, I want to tell everyone that dogs are man's best friend. They are loyal to a fault, and nin-dogs such as Pakkuen and Akamaru are no different. However, smelling the waste-products that exited out of his master and seeing the only person that has repeatedly beat the shit out of the legendary Toad Sennin looking ready to do the same to his master, Akamaru made a hasty escape and prayed his master would forgive him.

"Kiba, come here." The tone of voice almost sounded warm and inviting. Frozen, Kiba could do nothing but tremble. "NOW!" Kiba just yelped and slowly walked towards Tsunade. Seeing his life flash before his eyes, Kiba began to mumble incoherently. "I-I-I-I w-was just j-j-joking. I-I-I didn't really mean any of it. A-and n-none of it was directed towards you." At this point, Kiba began whimpering and sniffling. "Oh Kami-sama, I swear I won't do it again. Puh-PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T NEUTER ME!"

With a fox-smirk, the Godaime suddenly transformed into a Naruto. After the smoke cleared, both Narutos fell on the ground laughing, holding their stomach. The Naruto that was located in the same place where the Hokage was standing suddenly poofed out of existence and left one Naruto laughing and wheezing. "BWA-HAHAAHAHA……YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE KIBA!" With a high-pitched voice, Naruto attempted to imitate the petrified Kiba. "Oh Hokage-sama, please don't neuter me!"

This is when Kiba knew he was duped. Growling out of anger and embarrassment, Kiba yelled at the laughing prankster, "NARUTO, I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!!"

Thus Naruto started to run away from an enraged Kiba while laughing at Kiba. "Oi dog-breath, you're not gonna catch me with all that junk in your pants weighing you down!"

The scene brought a smile to everyone's face. Seeing one of Naruto's pranks was always a site to behold. But none of the smiles seemed as bright as the one Ino was wearing. Even though she wasn't the one that administered punishment to Kiba, she was ecstatic that such a fitting humiliation befell Kiba. She was also impressed at the way Naruto handled the situation. Instead of anger showing up, the hyperactive blonde managed to create a clone in the presence of everyone and not alert any attention to the bunshin; he then administered the much deserved prank. Also, whether he knew it or not, Naruto came to her defense. Of course she would never admit it out loud, but she mentally acknowledged it, and had a warm and fuzzy feeling; which of course was brutally killed as Ino mentally squashed the unwanted feelings.

As the riot was coming to an end, Naruto looked over and saw a smiling Ino. Happy that he calmed her down and avenged her, Naruto recalled all he was doing on behalf of the platinum blonde. Instead of declaring his newfound love for Ino, Naruto took a different approach. After all, it didn't seem to work with Sakura-chan very well, and it was a path filled with much heartache and pain. A lot of pain. More pain than he could remember. The beatings he received could have stunted him and prematurely end his ninja career if it wasn't for Kyuubi. So, not wanting a repeat, he kept quiet on his feelings, and Ino did the same. Happy that she wasn't annoyed at him and acknowledging him whenever he was around to say hi, Naruto felt he was making grounds with Ino. Even though this outing to the festival wasn't a date, he was going to make sure Ino knew what Naruto really wanted it to be while making sure no one had a clue of what was really going on.

The group of ninja's made their way to the festival, submerging themselves to the joys that only festivals can bring. Visiting all the different booths of games, food, and shows, the gang spent the evening enjoying themselves and not worrying about the stressful ninja missions that everyone either had, was in, or is going to have. As the group prepared for the fireworks that occur at night, everyone smiled happily from having a good time, except one. Actually, Ino enjoyed her time at the festival, but every time she caught herself having a good time _because_ of Naruto, her spirits would dampen. Every game booth they visited, Naruto would win all the girls dolls and prizes, but made sure to give Ino the biggest one. Every food booth they visited, Naruto would buy all the girls snacks and treats, but he would personally pick out the tastiest and more expensive items for Ino. Every nice thing that a guy could do for a girl, Naruto did. It was _not_ a date, but Ino couldn't help but feel that this was by far much better than all the dates she has ever been on.

'_Okay, focus Ino. I don't want to give off the wrong signals to Naruto and encourage him, only to let him down in the end. That would be wrong, so I can't treat him like all the other stalkers…..errr…..admirers I get. He's a friend, and he deserves better._' Too bad for Ino that she was sending off all the _right_ signals and was encouraging Naruto to continue with his stalking……err……admiring.

'_Hehehe, I think Ino is about to crack. Now all I have to do is keep up the work for the rest of the night and not screw up. Hehehe, piece of cake._' Naruto cackled evilly within himself, determined to win Ino's feelings. Too bad for Naruto that Fate decided to screw with Naruto since he was born. After all, he was born with a demon sealed within him, he's short, and he loves the color orange. And Fate would once again interfere with Naruto.

"BEHOLD THE GREAT TOAD HERMIT. I am the one who has trained under the wise Sandaime Hokage. I am the one who has trained the mighty Yondaime Hokage. I am the greatest of the Legendary Sannin of Konoha. I am a hero for all the lonely men with no love lives. I make all beautiful women even more beautiful. I bring destruction to all injustice and I am the foundation to all things good. I AM THE ONE, THE ONLY…….JIRAIYA-SAMA!"

The insanely long and preposterous introduction caught the attention of Naruto and gang. As they looked to the side to see what the commotion was about, they saw on stage Jiraiya finishing his ridiculous dance he does every time he gives a self-introduction. The crowd gave a round of loud cheers and hoots. Jiraiya received the ovation with a bow and poofed away into cloud of smoke. He then reappeared into existence beside Naruto.

"NARUTO, what's the big idea coming to the end of my play. The least you could have done was show up in the beginning to watch your sensei perform!"

"Gomen, I didn't even know you were performing. Besides, what were you performing?"

Giving a huge smile and pointing one finger off into the distance, the Toad Sennin replied, "I was just performing a narration of my latest best-seller. I was a hit!"

Naruto narrowed his eyes at his beloved sensei and spoke with a dead voice, "Ah that would explain why your entire audience is male. No wonder they're drooling over themselves."

With a confused look on her face, Hinata asked, "What do you mean Naruto-kun?"

"Ero-sennin's latest book is the same book Kakashi-sensei always reads." Naruto's response sparked a blush on Hinata's face.

"NARUTO, STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

"Stop calling you what Ero-Sennin?"

"THAT!"

"But that's your name. What else would I call you?"

An angered Jiraiya then smacked Naruto in the back of his head. "Well for one, you can call me Jiraiya-sensei, but it would be nice if you referred to me the same way everyone else does: Jiraiya-sama."

"OW! THAT HURT! Why the hell did you hit me for?!?"

"It was to teach you to respect your betters. After all, I can still tan your scrawny ass any time of the day. So stop acting all bad and tough like you think you can take me."

"Whatever Ero-Sennin. I _can_ take you on anytime I wanted to if I got serious."

"Oh, big words coming from the brat who screamed like a girl while running away from your precious Sakura-chan."

"I do not scream like a girl! Plus you have no right saying that when you scream even louder like a girl whenever you deal with Tsunade-baasan." Right after this, Naruto's eyes widened as he looked behind Jiraiya and stumbled out a, "Obaa-chan, what are you doing here?"

Jiraiya spun around quickly and held his hands up in a warding manner while screaming in a pitch no one thought he was capable of producing. "I swear this isn't what you think this is Tsunade……" Jiraiya didn't finish as he saw that his former teammate wasn't here.

"HAH, see you do squeal like a girl!"

Jiraiya quickly turned back around and yelled, "Well you would squeal like a little girl too if Sakura-chan was capable of performing a sex change with a flick of her wrist."

Caught up in the heat of the argument, neither of the two arguing noticed the crowd forming around them. Most of the crowd was from the audience that Jiraiya performed to, and they assumed all of the arguing was part of Jiraiya's performance. The rest of the crowd was Naruto's friends and they knew it wasn't a performance, but they still stood back and enjoyed the show. Jiraiya's audience backed Jiraiya, while Naruto's friends rooted enthusiastically for Naruto.

After a few more back and forth spats and insults, Naruto bellowed out a loud, "THAT'S IT. You're going down for good ERO-SENNIN!"

Jiraiya in response shifted into a defensive stance, ready for any incoming attacks. "BRING IT ON BRAT"

Naruto immediately made hand seals in response to Jiraiya and yelled out, "**Oroike no Jutsu!"** Now many of you remember that when Naruto first pulled this jutsu on Ero-Sennin, Jiraiya remained standing and mostly unaffected. However, it has been four years since he created this jutsu, and traveling with Ero-Sennin, Naruto accumulated a numerous amount of……knowledge……from Ero-Sennin. So after the long training trip, one can say that Naruto has mastered and perfected his jutsu to the point where Ero-Sennin declared it forbidden in battle. But whether or not it's forbidden didn't matter to Naruto. Armed with the mental mantra of 'must defeat super pervert', Naruto threw all caution to the wind in favor of defeating his teacher.

Jiraiya stiffened slightly when he heard Naruto cry out his jutsu. After the transformation, Jiraiya was privileged to see a voluptuous female posing with clouds covering her body tastefully. While all of his fans passed out due to blood loss, Jiraiya and Naruto's friends remained standing. The female ninjas looked peeved at the blatant display of female degradation, and the male shinobis remained steadfast. After all, they were friends of Naruto and this wasn't a new site for them.

Of course, that was until Naruto's improvements came into play. Naruto sensually caressed his currently female body and when his fingers brushed along parts hidden in smoke, Naruto threw back his/her head back and moaned with ecstasy. Immediately, most of Naruto's friends passed out while those in Jiraiya's fanclub who recovered once again passed out and most probably died of blood loss. The only ones that managed to remain standing were Rock Lee, Neji, and Shikamaru.

'_How troublesome, there's no way I can be affected by this. With Temari showing me more provocative gestures, this is easy to withstand._' Everyone who's reading this should know who this is, if you don't, well…………I don't know.

'_What an unbelievable display of strategy. But I am a Hyuuga, and I must stay stoic and poised. After all, if I falter, my image of a cool and sophisticated bishonen (cold-hearted stuck-up bastard) will be destroyed and my chances with Tenten may no longer exist._' Neji redoubled his efforts to maintain his reputation.

Seeing most of the boy's reaction, Tenten glanced over to see how Neji was faring. To Tenten it seemed as if he remained _completely_ unaffected, much to her disdain. '_Oh my FREAKING goodness. Is he gay?!?!?! I'm rather proud of what I got, but if he can't get turned on by what's happening in front of us, how the hell am I supposed to get his boat to float?!?!_' While Tenten was frustrated, the rest of the girls were flustered. Right as the girls were prepared to launch a verbal tirade on Naruto for the disrespect he displayed for all women everywhere, the girls were shocked stiff as they saw Naruto touch himself/herself. Hinata, who was already blushing, managed to pass out not because of blood loss, but pass out due to an overabundance of blood in her system. Slowly recovering, Sakura and Ino composed themselves to once again renew their efforts to chew out Naruto only to be interrupted by Jiraiya. "I see you're playing dirty. But as you can see, it has no affect on me; after all, I AM THE GREAT JIRAIYA!"

"OH YEAH! You haven't seen anything yet! Prepare yourself: **Harem no Jutsu!**" Suddenly two pairs of female Narutos appeared and engaged themselves in light petting and tongue massage, while six more female Narutos started belly dancing in the background. Immediately, Shikamaru fell and mentally prepared his excuse for his KO. '_I've never seen Temari tongue herself. That wouldn't be so troublesome._' A sturdy Neji, who was proud of his resilience, also fell immediately as well. '_Shit, now I'm a stiff in another way_.'

Jiraiya stumbled back from the devastating attack Naruto applied and fought to regain his balance. "What a dreadful attack Naruto, but you haven't won yet."

While Jiraiya suffered from the overwhelming effects of Naruto's attack, Rock Lee stood proud and tall. "YOSH, I HAVE MANAGED TO STAY STANDING WHILE MY ETERNAL RIVAL, NEJI, HAS FALLEN. NARUTO'S ATTACK IS USELESS AGAINST MY ETERNAL YOUTHFULNESS."

Hearing his attack being called useless, Naruto turned and frowned at Lee. Staring at one of his bunshins belly dancing, Naruto issued a mental command. The clone received its orders and turned to face Lee. Seeing he was being confronted, Lee fell into his normal stance and declared, "Naruto-kun, I will not fall for such unyouthful tactics. Come, I will defeat anything you send me."

Smirking, the clone then yelled out henge and transformed into…………a naked Gai with a ring of smoke covering the waist area. Gai had his thumb up and smiled with his sparkling teeth. "LEE, I AM THE GREEN BEAST OF KONOHA, MAITO GAI!" A tantalized Lee stood only to watch Gai start doing exercises. As Gai started to do push-ups, Lee started breathing hard. After his set of push-ups was done, Gai began sit-ups. By the time he has done with sit-ups, Lee was slightly moaning and was out of breath. Then Gai finished with his Konoha Senpuu, causing Lee to faint from sensory overload.

Now that the distraction was taken care of, Naruto dismissed the Gai bunshin and returned his focus onto Jiraiya. By this time, Jiraiya recovered from the dangerous attack Naruto delivered. Also seeing a prancing nude Gai helped Jiraiya recover faster. Jiraiya spoke first, "That friend of yours with the spandex helped me out a bit. Now I can counter with one of my own attacks. It's time you go down boy." Jiraiya first did a hand seal and then stuck his hand out. In his hand, a huge bowl of ramen appeared.

Naruto gasped at the new turn of events. Now having the advantage, Jiraiya started to sway the bowl of ramen back and forth. Naruto was helpless as his eyes followed the bowl. Hypnotizing Naruto with each revolution, Jiraiya then stopped the swaying and slowly started to rotate the bowl. As the bowl rotated, the front of the bowl showed in huge letters, "ICHIRAKU RAMEN." Seeing the name of his favorite ramen stand, Naruto gasped in surprise. '_I must stay strong. Don't let Ero-Sennin win, focus! FOCUS! __**FOCUS!**_'

However, Naruto was losing a futile battle. Naruto's eyes widened in horror as the Toad Hermit tilted the bowl. Naruto let out a faint, "No." '_No, don't do it. For the love of the Ramen Megami, please don't do it_.'

"This is the end Naruto, you fought well, but it's over." As Jiraiya finished his statement, he dumped the contents of the bowl onto the ground.

In what seemed like slow motion, Naruto watched as the steamy soup cascade to the unworthy ground. Naruto cried in misery as the delectable noodles reached the unforgiving dirt. Then, all the clones vanished as Naruto saw fishcakes, eggs, and various type of meats follow after its fellow ramen brethren. While looking at the ground, Naruto sunk to his knees and let out a barely heard, "no…._no_….how could you?" He then threw his head back and wailed out a thunderous, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Then, as if all of his chakra was expended, Naruto slumped forward in agonizing defeat.

Jiraiya wiped the sweat off his brow after he dispelled his jutsu. Taking a deep breath, Jiraiya commended Naruto for a valiant effort. "You did well boy, but now I hope you know who is stronger." Walking towards the fallen blonde, the perverted hermit suddenly stopped dead in his track.

"Unforgivable….," barely spoken words reached the perverted hermit's ears. "For the crimes committed against all things good and just," standing up, Naruto continued with his accusations, "for your sins against Ichiraku Ramen," by now, a backing Jiraiya could only watch in horror, "you will pay." Naruto then reared back his head and let out a primal rage. "**YOU……WILL…..PAY!!!!!!!**"

Red chakra surrounded Naruto as he performed hand seals at an alarming rate. "**TAJUU HAREM NO JUTSU!**" Suddenly, any open area near Naruto was filled with several female Narutos. Each group was doing various acts of eroticism, ranging from cosplaying, tickling, pillow fighting, and playing tonsil tag. And in the middle of all the different harems, in front of Jiraiya, a lone female Naruto clone laid on its side with an orange book. Looking straight into Jiraiya's eyes, the clone opened the book and started to quote scenes from the book. A devastated Icha Icha author could do nothing as each line was read out loud by the clone. The bunshin increased its volume after every finished line causing Jiraiya's body to spasm. And with every increase in volume, Jiraiya's body would spasm a little bit harder than before. When the clone reached the climax scene, the clone itself faked its own climaxes which subsequently lead to a geyser shooting out of the Toad Hermit's nose.

A triumphant Naruto dispelled his jutsu, while showing fatigue from performing waves after waves of forbidden jutsus. Naruto looked over his sensei's twitching body to see his teacher unconscious. '_I won. I beat you Ero-Sennin. This was by far my toughest battle yet in my life, but I still prevailed. Hah, I knew I could beat you. Take that, you perverted hermit._'

After checking and making sure Jiraiya will be okay, Naruto turned around and gave a 'V' sign to compliment the victorious smile on his face. "So girls, what did you think about my complete domination over Konoha's supposedly strongest ninja?" The response was followed by super-powered slap to the left cheek (Tenten) and super-powered slap to the right cheek (Sakura) and then a super-powered bop to the top of his head (Ino). After fighting a titanic battle and since he had his eyes closed while smiling, he avoided each hit with near imperfection. So in other words he got bitch-slapped unconscious.

In the background, fireworks exploded over Konoha.

**Author's Note: Thanks for all reviews. This is my first attempt at writing anything, except school reports, but everyone knows that those are always plagiarized. But everyone has been pretty supportive, so I'll keep trying to update as quick as possible. Oh, btw, I also responded to some of the reviews, but I'm not sure if you guys replied back, because I don't know how the review and reply system works. So if you replied to my reply, sorry, I didn't get it.**


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own Naruto**

Slowly coming to reality, Naruto opened his eyes and carefully looked around. He was located in the infirmary tent set up near the outskirts of the festival grounds. Now knowing where he was, he said the first thing he felt in a very monotone voice.

"Ow."

Even though he said it in a manner completely opposite of what the word is supposed to convey, he was feeling a steady throb of pain. Having three chakra enhanced attacks sequentially connect hurt. It hurt a lot. Once fully awake, Naruto took another look around him. He saw most of the guys already walking around and conversing. Alongside his recovered comrades, the ones responsible for his visit to the sickbed stood beside the other recovering patients.

"I see the perverted jackass has finally woken up." Ino alerted all of those not already aware of the conscious Naruto. "Had a nice nap Naruto?"

First thing Naruto noticed was the cold tone of voice Ino used. The second thing he noticed was the icy stare that complimented the cold tone of voice. The third thing he noticed was that Sakura-chan and Tenten also shared the same look as Ino. Naruto then added all of these variables together and came to a conclusion. '_X plus Y plus Z equals I'm fucked._' Scratching the back of his head and giving a nervous laugh, Naruto attempted to remedy the situation to the least painful possible outcome he could manage. "So, ready to go watch the fireworks?"

Ino wasn't happy. While having a wonderful time at the festival, Ino was preparing herself for the fireworks. Nothing excited her more than the bright lights and loud explosions that thundered with majestic splendor. But not only did she miss the fireworks presentation, she along with the other girls had to drag the unconscious people to the temporary infirmary. And she had all of this to thank Naruto for.

"Ano, Naruto-kun? The fireworks finished about ten minutes ago." Hinata spoke in a quiet voice, not wanting to bring unwelcome attention. She then noticed the panicked look Naruto had and asked, "What's wrong Naruto-kun?"

'_NANI! I was going to win Ino over during the fireworks. Ah crap, this sucks!'_ Naruto planned to be alongside Ino while the bright lights flashed through the sky. While the fireworks captivated all of those in attendance, he would sneak behind Ino and whisper words that would have been lost amidst the loud rumble. He would have whispered how beautiful Ino looked and tell her how much he liked her. And before she would have a chance of responding, he would also say he wasn't going to give up; and then, he would distance himself for the rest of the night for Ino to ponder over Naruto's words.

But now, that wasn't going to happen. By the looks of things, it also looked like Ino wasn't going to butter up to Naruto either. "I was kinda looking forward to the fireworks tonight. That's all Hinata-chan. Nothing to worry about." Naruto ended his answer to Hinata with a pout.

"Bah, it was your fault we missed the fireworks. Thanks a lot pervert." Ino made sure Naruto would feel guilty about Ino's mood.

"MY FAULT! What do you mean my fault? It was you girls that sent me here. How in the world do you believe it's my fault?"

"Well we had to administer your punishment for degrading us. So that's why it's your fault jackass!" With Sakura and Tenten nodding their heads in agreement next to Ino, it was a situation that the rest of the male ninjas knew that couldn't be won.

"DEGRADING YOU?!?! I didn't degrade you guys; I just used a jutsu to exploit Ero-Sennin's weakness." Obviously Naruto didn't know he couldn't win.

"Yes you did degrade us. You showed the female body off like it was a piece of meat; then, you made the female body display things that make women everywhere look like they were meant to exist only for the whim's of male perversion!" Sakura and Tenten continued to nod in unison.

"What are you talking about? Isn't that what they teach you in that kunoichi seduction class? You girls do worse stuff than what I did to use against the enemy!" While Naruto debated with the girls, the rest of the guys just stood and watched. They believed Naruto was correct in his theory, but there was no way they would go against the current girls at the moment. On the field of battle, they would sacrifice their lives for each other and defend their comrades from even the most unfavorable positions, but to argue with women when they had smoke coming out of their heads, it wasn't going to happen.

Anger flamed in Ino's eyes as she used the unbeatable retort women everywhere abuse. "That's totally different, and that has nothing to do with this situation." Yes, it was the 'answer with a totally unviable answer to confuse the male's simple brain and enforce the answer with the magical force that all women possess while in a pissed off mood.'

As Naruto reasoned the answer, he couldn't help but be confused. '_That's a load of crap. I hate it when girls use that answer. It's totally unfair! Damn it. Okay Naruto, just calm down. You're trying to win Ino's affection, not get her mad at you. Remember what Ero-Sennin taught you. Just say sorry and that you were wrong._' As Naruto settled himself, he remembered the Three Cardinal Rules While Dealing with Women. Rule Number One: Women are always right and men are full of shit. It doesn't matter that in theory that men are usually correct; it only matters in reality that women are _always_ right. So always say sorry, and you're right. Rule Number Two: Don't say too many words to a woman. Saying more words than necessary to either answer a woman or to apologize to a woman is very dangerous. The more words you use; the more words that women can take and translate into something else. Example would be, "Wow, you look nice today." In a man's mind, this is a compliment. No offensive meaning, only a statement of observation. In a woman's mind, it means, "Oh, so I don't look nice everyday?" Adding today was an extra word; if you didn't add today, then the woman wouldn't have a word to tear your ass a new hole with. All you need to say is, "Wow, you look nice." Finally we come upon Rule Number Three: Don't. Listen. To. Women. Women's logic does not follow the rules to logic. There _is_ no logic. They are just saying words to put you in a trap. Don't, and I repeat, _don't_ fall for the trap. Just nod your head and agree with her.

So after Naruto completely calmed himself, he went about the task of doing what all men do; apologize and admit that they were wrong. As Naruto opened his mouth to say sorry, Ino cut him off. "And before you open your mouth to spout out whatever bullshit you were going to say about how we're wrong, don't, because we took those classes and we know more about it than you. So you being an ignorant idiot, you have no right to say anything about this situation. What you did and what we learn in that class is completely different. Plus, your methods pale in comparison compared to what we learn in our classes."

Very close to snapping, Naruto broke Rule Number Three. She just said his tactics and kunoichi seduction skills weren't the same, but then compared both techniques like they were similar. Plus she had the gall to call his methods mediocre to what they learned. Didn't she see what he did to about forty guys simultaneously with his so called _methods_?

Naruto took a deep a breath. '_Alright, calm down. Just say you're sorry._' Naruto looked in Ino's eyes and said, "Hah, you're just jealous that I did all that better than you could." '_What? That didn't come out of my mouth did it?_' When Naruto saw the girls turn red with anger, he thought, '_Fuck, it did._' Everyone reading please note that Rule Number Two has been broken. Every word Naruto said was completely stupid, and not necessary to convey his feelings.

"_Excuse me?_ Would you care to repeat that?"

Ah, this is another trap. Naruto, for once, recognized the ambush set up by Ino. However, it was decision making time as Naruto thought of his options. '_Okay, I could do the smart thing and say I was sorry, or……_' Naruto took a glance to the side to see the rest of his friends looking at Naruto with awe. '_…..or I could go down in a blaze of glory._'

Kiba, Choji, Neji, Lee, Shino, and Shikamaru couldn't help but be filled with wonder and admiration for Naruto. Naruto was doing the unthinkable. He was about to knowingly step up and face inevitable death. The death promised was also the most horrible kind of death to face, and Naruto was meeting all of this head-on with a brave face.

Choji mentally said his farewells. '_I will remember your heroics Naruto. Your memories will be inspiration to all men out there._'

With his eyes, Kiba said goodbye as well. '_I'll miss our fights Naruto. But you have finally proven that you have bigger balls than I do._'

Shino also had thoughts to comment. '_Even if your actions are spurred by your idiocy, it is still commendable._'

'_YOSH, NARUTO, YOUR FLAMES OF ETERNAL YOUTH BURNS BRIGHTLY!_' We all know who said this; after all, this is, like, the only line he ever says in all Naruto fanfiction.

Naruto finally came to a decision. After all, the decision was fairly easy. He still had to keep his promise of bringing back Sasuke and achieving his dream of becoming Hokage; so there was no way he could die here. But right as he was about to apologize, flashes of light caught his peripheral vision. He turned and his eyes widened as he saw sparkling eyes brimmed with unshed tears in his fellow comrades. '_Aw crap, do they really think I'm going to confront the devil…..err….Ino? I am not __**that**__ stupid. But they really think I'm gonna do it. I guess I can see why they think I will, after all, it would be the Narutoish thing to do._' Naruto tousled with the idea and couldn't help but feel it to be an idiotic reason to die for. But as the star-sparkling eyes continued to admire Naruto, he couldn't help but feel a sense of duty and responsibility. '_I guess I have no choice. If I apologize, I won't be able to live this down and probably die of shame anyways. At least this way, when I die, I'll die as a hero. YOSH…..here I come!!!_' And people wonder why Naruto is an idiot.

Naruto steeled himself and did what only ninjas were capable of doing: face oncoming death without fear. '_If I'm gonna do this, I'll do this Uzumaki Naruto style. I'll do it LOUD AND PROUD!_' Breaking Rule Number One, Naruto pointed at Ino with confidence and courage. "YOU HEARD ME. I think you're full of shit. You're just jealous that my Sexy no Jutsu makes you look like a sumo wrestler and you're mad that I'm better at seducing guys than you're capable of!" Yes folks, that didn't sound gay at all. Don't worry though; I am physically and mentally incapable of writing yaoi.

All the girls had their mouth open in astonishment. Naruto broke all the rules _once again_ and defied the evil….err…..magical force the girls practiced. '_That….that….JERK! Naruto is a __**dead**__ man!'_ Accepting the mission of ridding the earth of Naruto, Ino started to commence on her operation. Doing hand seals at a speed that ninjas only dreamed of, Shikamaru and Neji noticed something. '_I have never seen those seals before. What is she doing?_' Shikamaru felt confused, he was pretty sure that he knew of all possible seals. Neji also wondered the same thing. '_Are those Yamanaka special seals?_'

When Ino finished her hand seals; she looked up and called out her attack. "**Bloodline Ender no Jutsu!**"

Neji gasped out loud in surprise. '_There's a jutsu that can end bloodlines? Can it stop bloodline abilities as well? I must watch carefully so I will never be a victim of such a jutsu._' Activating his Byakugan, Neji watched the jutsu carefully. He visibly cringed when he saw Naruto, who went into a defensive stance when he saw Ino prepare her jutsu, take a hit from Ino. A chakra enhanced foot connected with the unprotected groin area.

Okay, for all of you female readers out there; listen carefully. There is nothing on God's sweet earth more painful than getting racked in the balls. Before you can even dispute me, listen once again as I explain what exactly happens when such a God-forbidden action occurs. First, to give you even a glimpse of how painful this can be; you can lightly flick a guy's testicle and he would still bend over to protect his crotch and cry in a high-pitched wail. Two reasons why: One, it hurts **that** much even though it's only a light flick. Two, it is a built-in defense mechanism for the male body to assume this position which I will call **The Bent Position** for now. There are two seconds in between the moment of impact and **The Bent Position**. The reason for this is in the first half second after receiving the blow, the body tenses and the brain drops all commands in favor of 'THIS IS GOING TO HURT.' In the next half second, the body prepares itself by sending the hands to the area around the crotch. The hands don't go directly to the balls because that would be too painful. They remain around the area of pain because for some reason, the body will think the flow of pain won't go past the hands or the pain will be transferred to the hand. Also note to yourself that this in itself isn't **The Bent Position**. The next full second is spent waiting for the pain to come. This pain is unique in the fact that the pain itself doesn't immediately make itself known. So as the pain is about to kick in, the brain realizes there is no pain. So after that second is over, the mouth would open to say there's no pain only to have its voice die in its throat when the most god-awful pain sinks in. Thus, the octave change in pitch and high squeal comes out.

Right after changing roles from bass to soprano, another unique aspect of this particular pain makes itself known. Normally, pain felt along this level leads the body to unconsciousness. It's the brain's failsafe to prevent the body from going into shock. When you hit someone hard enough, or the pain is so unbearable, the body shuts down and goes into the blissful state of unconsciousness. This particular pain does the opposite. In order for the body to continue its life-function and secure a state still capable of reproducing, the brain stays conscious so that the body will _slowly_ fall to its knees. Realize that when you get knocked out, the body falls however physics allow the body to fall. This cannot happen; so the body stays conscious for this reason. If the area in pain comes into contact with anything else, the pain exponentially increases. Pain on that level leads only to shock and ultimately death, which the brain wants to avoid. After falling to its knees, the body would then bend (once again) _slowly_ forward. Not backwards, because if that happened, muscles in that area would stretch, causing unbearable pain. Once the face kisses the ground, you have what I call **The Bent Position**. Let's recap: hands close to the crotch, face planted and on bended knees.

During **The Bent Position**, the brain remains conscious to avoid escaping **The Bent Position**. So being conscious, the body continues to be tortured with a pain so painful, it saps the body of any and all energy. Thus, the whimpering and whining commences. I would also like to stress that this isn't a _**trained or conditioned**_ response. This is a _**built-in**_ response that all males possess. The conditioned response of this is demonstrated by all the males witnessing the event currently happening right now.

All the males in attendance slightly bent forward and crossed their legs. It's so painful, that even hardened ninjas like Neji cringed in pain **witnessing** such an atrocious act against man. '_Yes, it would be wise if I didn't let that jutsu ever hit me._' Neji came to this conclusion, but was slightly relieved of that fact that it wouldn't lead to an end to his bloodline………until he saw Ino finish her attack.

A few seconds after Naruto's face touched the floor; Ino placed one hand on Naruto's lower back and placed the other hand on Naruto's chest. Then she did something so horrible and so gruesome, that Choji immediately fainted: she stood Naruto up and bent his back _backwards_.

Naruto's eyes widened and his mouth opened to scream. But nothing came out. In order to produce sound, the body needs energy for the stomach to contract and give the voice box what is required to scream like a banshee. But remember girls, Naruto _has no energy_. All of it was sapped when he assumed **The Bent Position**. Seeing Naruto silently scream, Neji adamantly resolved his new nindo. '_I __**must not**__ allow that jutsu to hit me._' Shikamaru knew better than Neji. If a girl wanted to do that, there was no avoiding it. He instead mentally prepared a way to instantly kill himself before such a thing could happen. '_Maybe I should start carrying that suicide pill in my mouth from now on._'

Now finished with her jutsu, Ino 'hhmmphhed,' turned and walked out of the infirmary. Tenten and Sakura followed Ino's actions while Hinata just meekly followed the rest of the girls. Every guy that witnessed this now knew why you should never break the Three Cardinal Rules While Dealing with Women. Seeing the girls leave, Kiba immediately went to Naruto's side. "Hey buddy, don't worry, I'll get you to some help right away."

In a weak voice Naruto asked, "Kiba, is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me."

"Will you do me a favor?"

"Of course Naruto, anything you want."

In the quietest voice Naruto ever used and ever will use, he asked, "Will you……will you kill me now?"

A shocked Kiba gasped. "You know I can't do that!"

"Please Kiba, if you were my friend and if you had any sense of humanity, you would do this for me."

Kiba could only look on with tears in his eyes. Being a man himself, he would ask the same if he was in Naruto's position. Wiping his tears, Kiba lifted his hand to deliver the blow. '_I will remember your bravery my friend._' But right before he could strike, Shikamaru stopped him. "No Kiba, don't. Naruto try to hang on, remember your dream, and remember your promise to Sakura. What kind of friends would we be if we took away your dream, your promises, and your life?"

Naruto sobbed and mentally wailed at what Shikamaru said. He summoned all of his remaining strength to say in a deathly quiet voice, "Fuck my dreams and fuck my promises. Please, please just end the pain."

Neji voiced his opinions, "This is inhumane Shikamaru. You know you would ask the same. We should end his suffering now."

Nodding his head, Shikamaru answered, "Yes I know, but Naruto is a hero now. He can still make it. Men everywhere will flock to Naruto after they hear what happened today. He's an inspiration that will increase men's sense of courage and dignity. With Naruto leading us, our war against women will finally come to an end. We can't let Naruto die. Neji, Lee, go now quickly and find Hokaga-sama and bring her here. We can still save Naruto."

Naruto silently cried at the injustice. Couldn't they understand what he was going through? Kiba noticed Naruto's tears and tried to console him. "Hey man, I just want you to know Naruto; even if you don't become Hokage, I would still consider you the greatest man to ever walk the earth."

"Even though you're no longer a man." Shino solemnly remarked.

Giving a nasty look to Shino that said 'SHUT UP,' Kiba continued with, "And I want you to know that I think you have balls of steel to do what you did."

"Even though you no longer have balls."

Naruto cried harder.

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading. Please review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't own Naruto**

"So, you care to tell me why I had to remove your testicles from your stomach and surgically reattach your balls to your nutsack?" Tsunade, the one and only Godaime Hokage, asked Naruto, who was restored to his proper gender.

Tsunade remembered how frantic she was when Neji and Lee came to her and told her Naruto was in dire peril. She ran at a speed that even Lee struggled to keep up with. When she arrived, she was extremely relieved to find a still alive Naruto with only a minor injury. (Please remember that Hokage-sama is a woman and she hasn't received the report on **The Bent Position**.) After berating the two ninjas for scaring her like that, she began treatment on Naruto. However, right after she started _handling _Naruto's balls, she noticed a large amount of lecherous stares directed towards her action. Turning red for both possible reasons of anger and embarrassment, she settled the situation in a manner befitting of the name of Hokage. Fourteen screams and six sex changing operations later, the Hokage returned to Naruto and set up a white curtain around the both of them to give Tsunade the privacy needed.

The older blonde finished her rambling thoughts as Naruto answered her question. "I had a fight with Ino-chan."

"Ino? Ino as in Yamanaka Ino?"

"Yeah, that's her."

"Well, what were you fighting over?"

"I'd rather not say, but I didn't want to fight with her. It just kinda happened." Naruto took a moment before saying, "I was trying to catch her attention in another way, but it blew up on me."

"Oh? What do you mean by catching her attention in another way?"

Naruto blushed at the question and lightly scratched his nose. "I've been trying to capture her attention in a……romantic sense."

The gamble addict's eyebrows rose at the unexpected answer. "What about your infatuation with Sakura?"

Naruto huffed at Tsunade. "It wasn't an infatuation. I really do…..did…..like Sakura-chan." Naruto paused for a second as he tried to gather what he should say. "But I think it's time for me to move on. I'm not the man she wants to be with. So I got over my feelings and moved on…….and I moved on to Ino."

The granddaughter of Shodaime sighed. "So you went from bossy to bossier. Naruto, are you a masochist?"

Naruto gave Tsunade a blank stare. "What the hell is a masochist? And what does it have to do with Sakura-chan and Ino-chan?"

"Nevermind, forget I said that." Shrugging his shoulders, Naruto just filed this information away for later. This conversation reminded Naruto of his botched up plans to get with Ino. Noticing his look of depression, Tsunade asked Naruto, "I'm guessing from the look on your face, Ino hasn't been cooperating, huh?"

"Yeah, things have been going well at first, but then Ero-Sennin came along and screwed things up. All of a sudden me and Ino started arguing and now I'm here, stuck going upstream without a paddle. All the effort I've put in the past few days have been washed down the drain and I have to start all over. Actually, starting over would probably be easier. At least that way, she wouldn't be mad at me." Throwing his hands into the air in exasperation and lying back down, Naruto griped at the injustice of it all.

"Buck up kiddo, it's not the end of the world and you can still win her over." Pausing for a bit, the older blonde pondered over an idea. "Actually, if you want my help, I can give you a boost to your new start."

"Really? What can you do to help?"

"The Yamanaka family sent in a mission request. It's a D-Rank mission to help Ino watch over the store. I wouldn't normally assign it to you, but you do have a gennin team you're currently on that requires team building assignments. Am I correct?"

"That would be perfect!" Naruto sat up and cleared his throat. "On behalf of Konoha, I, Uzumaki Naruto, accept this mission Hokage-sama." After his declaration, Naruto grinned and said, "Thanks obaa-chan."

Tsunade ruffled his hair in response. "No problem squirt. Just make sure to bring your team by later so I can officially assign you this mission. I wish you the best of luck kid." Doing her good deed of the day, Tsunade stood up and left.

Naruto waved goodbye and began preparing a new plan of attack to win Ino's affections. His spirits renewed, Naruto jumped out of bed and dressed himself.

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

The next day Konohamaru and Moegi met in front of Ino's store. They knocked on the door and waited for an answer. After a several seconds, Ino opened the door to the shop and welcomed the two gennins. "Hi guys, I'm assuming you're Team Four?"

The two nins nodded in the affirmative. "Yup, that's us! I'm Konohamaru and this is Moegi. We're here to help with the store in any way you need us to."

Ino nodded her head. Noticing something, she looked around and asked, "I know it's been awhile since I attended the academy, but I thought gennin teams consisted of three members and jounin sensei. Are you two the only ones showing up?"

Moegi shook her head. "No, our third member says he'll be here soon. And about our sensei….we are sort of a special case and we don't have a jounin sensei. So it'll only be the three of us on this mission."

Ino quirked an eyebrow at the comment of no jounin sensei but didn't question it. "Ok, just follow me to the back where I can get you started." Ino lead the two nins towards the supply room to grab gloves, hoes, and whatever supplies you need to maintain a flower shop.

After grabbing the supplies, she then instructed the two gennins on what their jobs were going to be. After a bit, there was a knock at the door. "That's probably your teammate. I'll go let him in; you two keep up the good work." A chorus of "hai" was given in response and Ino hurried to the door to let in the other hired help. However, to Ino's surprise, it wasn't who she thought it would be.

"Ohayo Ino." Naruto had a chipper smile and for the most part, didn't seem to be suffering any kind of injury.

"Ohayo Naruto." Ino barely mumbled out, too shocked at seeing the hyperactive blonde so early in the morning. "What are you doing here?"

With that foxy grin of his, Naruto responded to her question by giving her a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolate. "I know that your shop is the only flower shop in town, so I went up to the mountains to pick these flowers. On the way here, I saw Choji's uncle's sweets shop and decided to buy some chocolates as well. Hope you like them." Naruto scratched the back of his head at the end of his explanation.

Being exposed to female kryptonite, aka flowers and chocolates, Ino fumbled with her next question, totally forgetting she was angry at Naruto. "What are these for?"

"Well, I wanted to apologize for last night. I said and did some things I shouldn't have. So I brought you these hoping you'll forgive me." Naruto then got down on both of his knees, clasped his hands together and asked with a playful smile on his face. "Forgive me?"

Instantly forgiving him and internally squealing at the charming apology, Ino simply said in a controlled voice, "I guess I might have gone a little overboard with the punishment. And I guess I can forgive you for your stupidity."

'_A little overboard, huh?_' Remaining true to his plans and following all the Cardinal Rules, Naruto smiled and responded. "No Ino, I was way out of line. I deserved what I got. You were right, and I was wrong. I'm just glad you forgave me; I don't know what I would do if you stayed mad at me."

An overwhelmed Ino felt butterflies floating all over her stomach. She blushed and giggled at the extravagant request for forgiveness. After all, getting down on bended knee and offering flowers and chocolates is the best method known to man on making a girl weak at the knees. Naruto did his homework and executed the attack with perfection.

Seeing Ino turn into mush, Naruto smiled and stood up. He took Ino's free hand with his hand and said, "Alright, how bout we take those flowers and put them into a vase."

"Actually, I don't think you should be here. Don't take it the wrong way, but my parents left the store in my care and hired a team of gennins to help me take care of it. Two of the gennins are in back, but I'm still waiting for the third one to show up. I'm sorry Naruto, but I don't have time to spend with you today." Ino sighed once she was done talking. '_It would have been nice to see what Naruto was willing to do for me. It's kind of nice having an obedient Naruto following me and appeasing me in every possible way. Too bad I have to work._'

Right after Ino finished, Naruto came to an attention and saluted Ino. "Uzumaki Naruto of Team Four reporting for duty!"

Hearing people talking, Konohamaru and Moegi came out to of the back to see what all the commotion was about. Spotting Naruto talking with Ino, Konohamaru addressed him, "Naruto-niichan, it's about time you made it. Stop flirting with the pretty neechan and let's get to work."

Ino, who was thoroughly confused, decided now, was a good time to interrupt. "Wait a sec. Why are you really here, Naruto? I thought you told me that Godaime only assigns you B or A-Rank missions. How come you're here doing a D-Rank mission?"

"Well, this is the gennin team I'm on. The Chuunin Exams require a team of three gennins, so I accept two or three D-Rank missions a week to work on teamwork with Konohamaru and Moegi."

"I see."

"Yeah, he's the reason why we don't have a jounin sensei. With him, we don't need one. Alright, now that niichan is here, we should be able to finish everything in an hour or two." When Konohamaru saw the list of chores Ino gave, he griped about how long it would take. It would have taken the whole morning and most of the afternoon to finish! But he then remembered Naruto-niichan was coming. With Kage Bunshin at his disposal, all the troublesome work would be finished in no time at all. "Yosh, let's finish fast so we can spend rest of the time training. I got a new jutsu I need to test out on you, niichan."

In the next two hours, Ino was amazed at the work being done. Naruto efficiently managed a work team consisting of several clones. Naruto himself would always stay near Ino, never leaving her side, while issuing either mental or verbal orders to his doppelgangers. As Konohamaru predicted, all the work that would have required the whole day to finish, concluded in just two hours.

When Naruto and company finished the last task Ino had them do, Ino excused herself to go to the bathroom. When Naruto stood up with Ino, Ino clarified what she was doing. "I'm going to the bathroom, Naruto. Don't tell me you're gonna follow me in there."

Naruto grinned. "Only if it's okay with you."

"It's not okay." After making sure Naruto got the picture, Ino went to take care of business.

Throughout the morning, Konohamaru noticed how Naruto followed Ino around. So after Ino left and making sure Moegi wasn't paying attention, Konohamaru asked, "Niichan, is she the girl you've been talking about lately?"

"Yup, that's her. Whatcha think of her?"

Scratching his head, Konohamaru shrugged his shoulders. "I don't really see what you see in her."

"What are you talking about? Did you not see her? She's freaking hot!"

"Well yeah, she's pretty, but that doesn't mean anything to you."

Naruto gave Konohamaru a confused look and asked an intelligent question. "Huh?"

Seeing the confusion on his role model's face, Konohamaru clarified. "You have tons of beautiful girls following you around and asking you out. But you don't even give them a time of day. You were never the kind of guy that focused on looks alone. I know she's pretty, but image is something that never mattered to you. So I was wondering what the real reason why you like her was."

Right as Naruto was about to answer, "because of her hair length," Naruto paused to think about it. Konohamaru didn't ask why he picked Ino. He asked why Naruto liked her. Skimming his hand through his hair, Naruto realized he didn't like Ino because of her hair. In fact, he didn't really have an answer to that question. Looking back a few days ago, he remembered waking up in the morning planning on how to win Ino's affections. But as the days passed, he began to focus more on how to make Ino smile or laugh instead of focusing on winning her heart. He was still trying to win her heart, mind you, but it no longer became about Naruto winning her; it became about Naruto making her happy. Somewhere along the line when Naruto was stalking…..err…following Ino throughout the day, he learned all the little things that made Ino who she was. Things like personality quirks, facial expressions, favorite food, favorite color, and side hobbies were given access to Naruto. His bond with Ino solidified with each new detail he learned about Ino. It was then when it hit Naruto. Ino _was_ right. His initial reason for liking Ino was an excuse to somehow link him with her. He chose her out of convenience, not caring who she was or what she was like. '_Ino was right. I didn't want to admit to myself, but all she was to me at that moment was a rebound._' Feeling ashamed of his actions, Naruto steeled himself. '_She might have been rebound at that moment, but not anymore. I know her better now; and I know that I like her._' It was easy to admit that he liked her, but he was still stumped when it came to answering Konohamaru's question.

"Niichan?" Konohamaru asked with a worried face, seeing how Naruto suddenly look off into space. About to ask if he was alright, Naruto cut him off, "Well, I don't really have a good answer on why I like her. But I'll tell you this: I know I like her, because I don't want anyone else."

Naruto smiled; it was true. Right now, no other girl took up as much brain space as Ino did. He crushed over Sakura for nearly a decade; but Sakura wasn't even an option for Naruto anymore. Naruto wanted to be with Ino and no one else. '_I like Ino, and I'm gonna make sure she knows it._'

Konohamaru didn't know what to think. Naruto-niichan did seem to like Ino-neechan and the way he smiled showed some proof of it. Even though the answer wasn't what he was expecting, it didn't matter as long as niichan was happy about it. '_I just hope that niichan doesn't get bossed around like he did when he was with Sakura-neechan._'

After a few more minutes Ino returned. Konohamaru, who was bored from lack of activity, asked her, "Hey neechan, since we're done with all the chores, can me and Naruto-niichan go out to train?"

"Uh, sure, I don't see why not."

Konohamaru yelled out a, "YATTA," and was about to leave when Naruto said, "Actually Konohamaru, why don't you take Moegi with you first and warm-up? I'm going to make sure things are all taken care of here."

"WHAT, but we did everything, and Pretty-neechan said it was alright."

Moegi noticing the subtle hint that Naruto-niichan was trying to give said, "But Konohamaru-chan, you promised me you would help with my training." '_Boys…..can't take subtle hint for the life of them. Of course, if they weren't so dense, they'd actually be considered __**intelligent**__ life-forms. And then if you cut off their dicks, they'd take a step up and become females._'

Konohamaru being on the receiving end of Moegi's infamous puppy eyes, he caved and agreed. '_Those eyes should be a jutsu in of itself._' Yes, no man, and in fact, no one has yet to defeat those eyes. Byakugan and Sharingan, eat your heart out.

After the two left, Ino started dealing with the paperwork her parents left her to handle. Once she started, Naruto just sat by and watched her work. Noticing his presence, she said, "Naruto, really, I'll be fine. Everything that I needed help with is taken care of. You can go ahead and train with the rest of your team."

"No, it's okay, I'd rather be here with you."

Ino blushed at the words. He didn't say it with any gusto; in fact, he said it like he was saying, "the weather is nice." But he did say it with honesty, making Ino's stomach do sommersaults. Not wanting Naruto to see her blush at such an innocent statement, she turned and reached up the shelf behind her to reach some files. Having some difficulty reaching, she nearly squawked out when she felt Naruto place a hand on the small of her back. Naruto then reached up to grab the file she was reaching for and handed it to her. Feeling even more flustered, Ino quietly said, "Arigato." '_Oh my God, is he trying to put a move on me? Or is this just Naruto being Naruto. Oh my God, what do I do? And he hasn't taken his hand off yet. Oh my God, Oh my God!_'

Naruto then noticed Ino looking at what seemed like nothing. "Ino, is something the matter?"

Quickly looking away from Naruto so he wouldn't see her flushed face, she said, "N-n-nothing!" Her voice cracked and she cleared her throat. "Nothing is wrong, I was just thinking about something unimportant."

Moving away from Naruto, Ino pretended to be occupied with the bed of roses. Trying to calm herself down, Ino wasn't paying attention to what she was doing. So it shouldn't be a surprise when Ino pricked herself and she cried out in pain. Immediately rushing to Ino's side, Naruto took the bleeding appendage and brought it to his lips and lightly sucked.

'_OH. MY. __**GOD!**__' _Ino no longer blushed, her face was RED. Devoid of rational thinking, Ino let herself be led by Naruto to a table. When they reached the table, Naruto took his holster out and placed it on the table. Rummaging around for some ointment and bandages, Naruto made sure he didn't let go of Ino's hand. The whole time he treated her, Ino couldn't help but notice how gentle Naruto was. It seemed such a foreign concept of how such a hyperactive being could act so composed. After applying the ointment and bandaging her finger, Naruto reorganized his supplies and placed the holster back on his thighs.

Her body continued to disobey mental commands from the brain, and her face continued to betray her anxiety. '_Why did he do all that? It was just a small little prick. He treated it like I was in mortal danger._' Ino looked up to see a serene smile on Naruto's face. Ino's eyes then widened with shock. '_He can see me blushing. He can __**see **__this stupid color ON MY FACE! WHY WON'T THIS STUPID BLUSH GET OFF! Oh my God, Oh my God, OhMyGodOhMyGodOHMYGOD! He knows how flustered I am over this. Okay Ino, just calm down girl. Just say that all of this was just a physiological reaction. No big deal._' But when she opened her mouth to say that, the only thing that came out was mumbled, incoherent sounds. She even tried to yell at Naruto and tell him to get out, but only more jumbled garble came out. She wanted to slap him, kick him, anything at all, but it took all her willpower and strength just to keep her knees from giving out.

Wanting to crawl into a hole and decompose her life away, Ino didn't notice Naruto walking behind her. Naruto gently placed both of his hands on Ino's hips and whispered in her ear. "I know what you're thinking Ino."

'_OH MY GOD! Now he can read my mind! STOP LOOKING AT MY THOUGHTS!_' Yes, Ino's mind was no longer capable of any logical reasoning.

"Don't worry though, I'm not gonna push you to do anything right now. But remember what I said: Uzumaki Naruto never gives up." Pausing for a moment, Naruto slid up closer to Ino while keeping his hands on her hip. Naruto continued with his tender words that caused Ino to shiver with every word. "By the time I finally ask you to be my girlfriend, I'm going to make your palms sweaty every time you see me. I'm going to make you blush every time you see me smile at you. I'm going to make sure that I'm the only person you see in a crowded room. And I'm going to make your heart beat so **hard**, that your chest will hurt with each pound. After all, it's only fair that I make you suffer as much as I do."

Taking one of her hands with his, he slowly brought it up to both of their faces. "Konohamaru is probably waiting for me now. I'll head on over there and send Moegi back just in case you need anything else. I don't want to go, but for now," Naruto softly kissed the back of her hand, "I'll leave and give you some space, _Hime-sama_."

When the soft kiss caressed Ino's hand, her brain short-circuited. And since her malfunctioning brain shut down, she didn't notice Naruto leaving. After a total of five minutes, from the point where Naruto whispered in her ear to a few minutes after he left, Ino finally remembered to breath.

**ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA**

Naruto couldn't stop smiling for the past couple hours. And because he didn't stop smiling the whole time he was sparring, Konohamaru was pissed. Currently, Konohamaru was on the ground huffing and puffing. For some reason, Naruto didn't hold back as much as he normally would or didn't notice he wasn't holding back as much. So when Naruto signaled a stop to the match, Konohamaru was relieved that the torture……err…….training session was over.

"Oi, Konohamaru, I think that's enough today. That was an impressive new technique you came up with. It'll sure to be a bang in the Chunnin Exam. But for now, gather up your things and head back to the shop. I'm pretty sure Moegi is pissed for leaving her behind in the shop by herself. Go back and resume your mission."

Still breathing heavily, Konohamaru asked, "What bout you niichan? You not gonna go back?"

Giving a grin, Naruto answered, "Naw, I don't think Ino-chan wants to see me right now. Plus, you guys can handle the rest by yourselves. Just tell Ino-chan something came up and I had to leave."

Giving a nod, Konohamaru left. When he left, Naruto began strolling down the streets of Konoha. He let his mind drift back to what happened at Ino's store and his smile got bigger. When he recalled the last part of the scene, he wondered why he called Ino that particular term of endearment. He remembered how he always thought it was corny whenever he caught Ero-Sennin looking wistful and quietly whispering "Hime-sama." On his three-year long trip with him, he would sometimes catch the pervert saying that whenever Jiraiya wasn't paying attention. As corny as it sounds, Naruto couldn't help but feel it appropriate at the time when he said it.

With a deep sigh, Naruto just shook his head. Regardless of whether or not it was a good thing for him to call her that, the moment was done and over. Picking up his pace, Naruto started walking towards the Hokage Tower. He was going to annoy the old hag for a bit……and then give her a big hug and a huge thank you.

It was a beautiful day to be a blonde.

**Author's Note: I don't understand how people can write stories over 100,000 words. It's freakin crazy man. I'm barely over 15,000. I have new respect for those that can write stories that long. But then again, I'm not really a writer, so I guess it's no surprise. I hate writing, but for some reason, I felt a need to write a story. Maybe it's from reading all the crap there is nowadays in fanfiction. Being submerged in it made me feel a sense of duty to bring salvation back. I don't know….whatever. Anyways, thanks for all of the positive reviews and support. Keep reviewing. Peace.**


	5. Chapter 5

**I don't own Naruto**

Naruto froze. '_Why the hell is Ino glaring at me?_'

Currently, Yamanaka Ino was implementing the women's universal answer for all situations: _The Glare_. Think carefully now, if you've never experienced the Ice Age when a particular person is staring at you, either you're a girl or the luckiest son of a bitch alive. Your mother glares at you when you don't listen. Your teacher glares at you when you're being a nuisance. Your female friend glares at you when you say a dirty joke. Your sister glares at you when you use the bathroom first. Your girlfriend glares at you when you greet another female. Your wife glares at you when you (purposely) forget to leave the toilet seat down. Your mother-in-law glares at you because you were born.

_The Glare_ can be implemented in any situation. The girl could be pissed, annoyed, or even be devoid of any feelings at all when she implements _The Glare_. In fact, you could have done nothing wrong at all, and she would still glare at you. An example would be you standing on the only open spot on the subway next to a girl who happened to be experiencing _that time of the month_. You did nothing wrong; you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Another reason for them to glare at you would be when you say a word. Even saying a non-consequential word would be enough ammunition for _The Glare_. If a girl asked you what dress should she wear, the black dress or the white dress, and you answer, "black," that is a reason for them to glare at you. You know why? Because any girl that knows anything about fashion knows that wearing black makes a person look slimmer. And since you _said_ black, she's thinking, "Why did he say black? Black makes me look skinnier; therefore, he wants me to look skinnier. Since he wants me to _look_ skinnier, he wants me to _be_ skinnier. IS HE TRYING TO SAY I'M **FAT**?" (Why do girls always assume us guys think they're fat?) So, now you're screwed because you thought she looked sexier in black because you _said,_ "black." Should have just said, "You look great in either one, but I think you should wear the black one, cuz it'll be easier for me to take it off of you tonight." (Note: Please only use this line if she's already with you, cuz if not, you're gonna get slapped. And if you're not with her and she's single and she doesn't slap you; why are you even bothering saying this line? Just freaking take her then and there.) _The Glare_ can be applied in any situation and was created to save women and put men down at the same time. For all my male readers: You. Are. Slime. Accept your fate. You can't fight it. Neji is right just this once.

The reason for why Ino was implementing _The Glare_ was because of what happened between her and Naruto the other day. They both vividly remembered what happened the other day at Ino's shop; that's why Ino was glaring and that's why Naruto had no freaking clue why she was glaring. She was glaring because Naruto made her feel like the most special girl in the world. I won't call Ino an idiot, in fear of my unborn children, but that is an idiotic reason.

So in effect, Naruto made her feel like a love-sick school girl. She didn't want to face Naruto with a dopey expression, so she gave the safe expression which covered her discomfort.

"Hi Ino," Naruto chuckled nervously, "hehehe…could you at least tell me what I did so I can apologize for it."

With no emotion in her voice, Ino said, "You didn't do anything wrong."

"Oh…..okay……"

"……"

"…...are you going to tell me why you're glaring at me then?" asked a nervous demon vessel.

"I feel uncomfortable because of you."

"……I'm sorry?" Naruto was getting frustrated. After that day at Ino's shop, Naruto gave Ino a couple of days of space. He wanted her to think about all he said and let his feelings for her sink in. He still made sure to pop up every now and then, showing up in her line of vision. He didn't talk to her since then, and now he was wondering if he shouldn't have talked with her tomorrow, or next month.

"Why are you here, Naruto?"

"I came to pick you up, so we could walk together to the meeting."

Ino blinked. "I can walk myself."

Naruto, getting more antsy with each second, said, "I know you can Ino, but I was _hoping_ we could walk together."

Ino blinked again. She was no longer giving _The Glare_, but she kept a straight face. No way in hell was she going to give him love-sick looks. "Let me change clothes. I'll be right back." Then Ino closed the door.

Naruto faced the closed door and scratched his head. '_Ooooookay, this didn't happen the way I imagined. So what do I do?_' Naruto first tried to straighten out the facts. '_Alright, let's see. I didn't do anything wrong, and she glared at me because I made her uncomfortable. Did I come on too strong that day?_' As Naruto tried to make sense of the situation, the door opened again. Ino no longer had a frosty look on her face, but she wasn't exactly smiling either.

"Okay, I'm ready. Let's go." The blonde pair started walking and they did so in silence. The silence was killing Naruto, so after a few minutes of it, he asked her, "Are you uncomfortable because of what I said that day at your shop?"

Shrugging her shoulders, Ino nodded. Fidgeting a little bit, Naruto asked, "Why did it make you uncomfortable?"

"How else was I supposed to react to that? Did you expect me to yell out 'I love you too Naruto-kun' just like that?"

"It would have been nice."

"No, I'm not gonna act like some bimbo fangirl of yours. I'd never act like that."

'_Is she kidding?_' Naruto lost count trying to remember how many times Ino chased after 'SASUKE-KUN.' Seeing Naruto's incredulous look, Ino narrowed her eyes. "Do you have something to comment?"

"AH HAH, AH HAH, NONONO, I don't think I could ever see you act like that." Lying is a bad thing. Lying to a woman to save your ass is a good thing for your health…..until she finds out you were untruthful.

Not really believing him, Ino just crossed her arms and said, "Well I won't act like that. I'm still trying to understand what's happening. I don't know what to make of this, and if you weren't a friend, I would have said get lost by now."

"At least you haven't rejected me again." Naruto paused for a moment and asked a tentative question. "Do you see us together anytime in the future?"

Ino blushed and stuttered a, "I-I don't know."

Naruto softly spoke back, "Well I do. And until you can see what I see, I'll keep trying."

Ino looked away from Naruto as her blush deepened. '_Damn it, this isn't fair. Why do I keep on blushing like this? This isn't the first time I heard these words from a guy. And why does he keep on saying stuff like that?_' Ino couldn't fathom why she was acting the way she was. If she didn't like a guy, she just said sorry and no. When she liked a guy, she would immediately ask the guy out or made it obvious that she liked him. But for some reason, the situation with Naruto had her all in a jumble. She didn't want to be with him and she didn't like him in _that_ way. If she did like him, she would have said yes the first time he asked. She knew that she didn't want to be with Naruto, but she didn't act that way. It was so frustrating, that Ino wanted to kick Naruto and tell him to leave her alone.

Naruto noticed the frustration rolling off Ino and smiled sadly. Seeing her like this only brought pain to Naruto. All he wanted was to make Ino laugh and smile. Making a decision, Naruto spoke, "I guess I came on a little too strong. We're friends first before anything, and I want you to stop being uncomfortable around me. I propose a deal. I'll try my best _not_ to make a move on you. You decide what we are and where we're at. So no more cold shoulder, okay?"

Looking up in surprise, Ino asked, "Are you giving up?"

Shaking his head, Naruto replied, "No, I'm not giving up. You already know my feelings for you, I made them loud and clear. I realize that we haven't had a chance to get to know each other. Actually I know a lot about you, but you haven't really noticed me past the surface. So I'm willing to take the pressure off of you; instead of me coming to get you, I'm gonna make you come to me. So don't worry about me hitting on you, for the most part." Then Naruto winked and smiled at Ino. "But also feel free to ask me out whenever."

"So whatever I say goes?" Naruto nodded his head. Ino smiled, it was the perfect out for her. Naruto would no longer hit on her and she would say that they were just friends and that would be it. Sticking her hand out to shake hands, she said, "Okay then, friends." Seeing Naruto's smile droop a little, Ino decided to be nice. "…..for now."

Seeing that would be the best Naruto would get, he just nodded his head and shook hands with her. After walking for a few more minutes, the blonde duo reached their destination. They walked inside the meeting room and greeted everyone inside. Seeing Ino, all the male shinobi in presence reacted by bending over slightly and covering their crotch. Some where nonchalant and just crossed their legs while others didn't hide their blatant action and just covered their family jewels with their hands. Ino didn't notice or didn't care; she just greeted the other girls and sat down with them. Naruto noticed the reactions and gave a sheepish grin. He then noticed Shino standing straight up, not defending his groin and decided to ask, "Hey Shino, how come you're not….uhm….how should I say this? How come you're-"

Shino cut off Naruto, "I have concentrated all my bugs to that area."

"Oh, I see." '_That makes sense._' Any further thoughts were cut off when Tsunade showed up and started the meeting. The meeting was over the Chuunin Exams. Most of the ninjas were there to help proctor the exam and some were there to help set up the exam sites. Naruto, who was still a gennin, was in attendance to nominate his team. Hokage relegated the duties of teaching the team to Naruto and didn't assign them a jounin sensei. After all the planning and preparation were done, Tsunade concluded the meeting.

As people were filing out of the room, Sakura grabbed the members of Rookie Nine and Team Gai. "Hey guys, let's go get something to eat. While we eat, we can talk about the Chuunin Exam and help each other out."

"That's a great idea. Let's get some RAMEN!" said an overenthusiastic Shikamaru. (You're an idiot if you really think it was him who said that.)

Completely ignoring the ramen fiend and lightly whapping his head, (which could kill a rhino) Sakura proposed, "How about we get some dango?"

The Hokage aspirant (being too much in pain to reply) and the rest of the guys (who didn't want to receive love-taps similar to what the energetic ninja received) allowed Sakura to decide for them. The group then made their way to a dango shop to eat and plan.

After the social gathering was done and over, the group split up and went home. Naruto walked Ino home and rambled on and on about nothing in particular. Once they reached Ino's apartment, they said their farewells and Naruto continued on to his own home.

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Late at night in her apartment, Ino sat at her desk and prepared her material for the Chuunin Exam. She worked on it for what seemed like hours. When she finished for the night, Ino stretched the crick in her neck and let out a, "What I wouldn't give for a massage." She was then promptly scared out of her mind when a gentle pair of hands began to give her a firm neck and shoulder massage. The assailant then put his lips to her ear and said, "Wish granted, _Hime-sama_." Completely enthralled in the wondrous massage, Ino moaned with pleasure.

Once he finished the massage, he turned Ino around and said, "Now, about my compensation."

A blushing Ino stammered, "Wh-what do you mean?"

"You said you would give anything for a massage. Now I want my payment."

Looking away, Ino said, "I'm not gonna pay anything."

Naruto took her chin in his hand and faced her towards him. "I'm not asking for much, just a kiss."

"K-ki-kiss?" Ino stuttered out. Naruto answered by moving forward and placing his lips over hers. Closing her eyes and letting the sensational kiss take her away, she was startled out of her reverie when she fell out of her chair. Opening her eyes and rubbing her aching butt, she was shocked to see no Naruto. Not seeing a trace of him in her room, Ino realized she was dreaming. '_Kami-sama, get a grip on yourself girl. You just dreamt about kissing Naruto for goodness sake._' Ino silently cursed. '_It felt so real, and I practically shivered when he called me Hime-sama._'

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The next few weeks drove Ino into madness. Naruto, keeping true to his word, stopped asking out Ino for dates and no longer made any moves on Ino. He still asked her to go eat and hang out, but it was always as friends. With dreams of her and Naruto doing…..things…….together nearly every night, she was starting to regret making the deal with Naruto about their relationship. '_I want him to stop hitting on me and now that I got what I wanted, I hate it. Make up your damn mind girl._' In fact, she was so frustrated that Ibiki told her to take a week or two off after a certain episode.

Ino walked into the interrogation room while Ibiki was dealing with four prisoners. The prisoners were holding valuable information that Ibiki needed to extract, but he was having the hardest time doing so. He tried nearly all of his tactics, but none of them worked. The only things he hasn't done would have killed the prisoners at the end of the torture…..err….interrogation and the Hokage needed them alive. So when Ino arrived, Ibiki brought her up to date with the situation. Seeing a way to relieve her frustration, Ino grabbed the opportunity with a fierce glint in her eyes. She asked Ibiki which one was the ring leader. Ibiki pointed to the tallest one. Ino then took a prisoner that wasn't the one Ibiki pointed at and stood him up in front of his comrades. Ino then implemented her dreaded Bloodline Ender no Jutsu in front of the other prisoners. After she was done bending the man's body backwards, she then turned to look at the remaining prisoners who were pale as a ghost. "Okay, listen up carefully. The person who gives us the least amount of information that we need will be subjected to what just happened to your friend."

Immediately, the three remaining prisoners started to sing like birds. The only other female interrogator took notes since Ibiki and the other male interrogator were emptying the contents of their stomach into a wastebasket. Once she was done taking notes, the female interrogator nodded her head at Ino to signal she was done. Looking to keep her promise, she grabbed the prisoner who talked the least. However, a recovered Ibiki stopped Ino and said, "Yamanaka-kun, I believe we have already achieved our goal. There is no longer any need to further torture the prisoners. I am, after all, a non-believer of needless violence."

Giving Ibiki a skeptical look, Ino thought, '_Ibiki-sensei doesn't believe in needless violence? He's the most sadistic bastard in Konoha. This stuff should give him a hard on._'

Ibiki kept a straight face. '_Lying to this girl is proving very difficult._' "Yamanaka-kun, you seem stressed. Why don't you take off the next couple of weeks to recover and recuperate. While the Interrogation Department doesn't require a lot of physical abilities, it does have a lot of mental stress. I'll clear your time off myself."

Blinking in surprise, Ino nodded her head and said, "Thank you Ibiki-sensei. I'll see you in a couple of weeks then."

So, after receiving the impromptu vacation, Ino took a day to ponder over her feelings. '_Okay, maybe, __**just maybe**__, I do like Naruto. Going on a few dates to see where we are might help me out. If things work out, then I guess I'll have a new boyfriend. And if things don't work out, he did say whatever I say goes._' Steeling herself and making a decision, Ino planned to ask Naruto out the next time she sees him.

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"How can I help you Morino-san?" asked the Hokage.

"I have come to request that you make Yamanaka Ino's new jutsu a forbidden one." Ibiki said all of this with a straight and determined face.

Hokage rubbed her temples with her fingers and let out a deep breath. "Just to let you know, Morino-san, you are the 35th man to request me of this."

"I was unaware that the number would be so low."

Letting out another sigh, Tsunade continued, "Whether you believe it's a low number or not, it is 35 more people that I would rather not deal with. And for the reason why you're here, I deny your request. First of all, Ino's _jutsu_ isn't really a jutsu. It's just a kick. It wouldn't make sense for me to ban kicks. And second, for it to be a forbidden jutsu, it would require that the jutsu harm the user or be ethically and morally wrong." Ibiki opened his mouth to protest but Tsunade stopped him. "And before you can say anything about it being morally unethical, a clear majority of all Konoha citizens need to agree it being unethical; not half or a little over half, but a clear and undisputable majority. Plus, I don't know why you men just don't shield or direct the pain with chakra. It's just a kick, you don't die from it, and you don't even pass out from the pain."

Tsunade instantly regretted saying that. Ibiki began to rant the dissertation on **The Bent Position**. Tsunade rubbed her temples and sighed again. '_This is the ninth time today I'm hearing some report on some bent position. I swear the person who wrote that report exaggerated and is probably a pussy that isn't capable of handling the pain._' No, Tsunade, I did not exaggerate, and fuck you too.

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"ARE YOU FOR REAL? Don't be joking with me now. That would be cruel and unusual." Naruto said.

"No, I'm being serious. I thought about it, and having a date or two might be a good thing. It could help us figure out what we are. So how about we go on one right now?"

"You should know that you don't have to ask." Naruto gave a huge grin. He was _finally_ taking Ino out on a date. Naruto was training in his usual spot when he spotted Ino walking by. He yelled out to her and gave his enthusiastic greeting to her. After she greeted him back, she dropped the bomb and suggested going out on a date. It was too good to be true.

Rolling her eyes, Ino asked, "Okay, where you going to take me?"

Confused, Naruto asked back, "Huh? You're the one that suggested this. Where are _you_ going to take _me_?"

Crossing her arms over her chest, Ino retorted, "_You're_ the guy; it's _your_ job to plan this out. So hurry up and decide where you're gonna take me."

"Err…how bout we take stroll around the park. We can talk about the rest of our date while we walk," said Naruto. '_I hope that satisfies Ino for now. How does she expect me to plan a date in ten seconds?_'

To Naruto's relief, Ino nodded her head in agreement. They both set off towards the park. Even though they weren't holding hands or anything, they were still walking fairly close to one another.

After a stroll through the park and a dinner at a place on the outskirts of Konoha, Naruto walked Ino home. Saying their goodbyes and goodnights, they parted ways at Ino's door. Closing the door and locking it, Ino walked up the stairs to her room. Once in her room, Ino changed into her nightwear and let out a deep sigh. The date was nice. They talked about their interests and had a fun dinner, but it wasn't what she expected. There were no moments of intense blushing like the ones she received at the flower shop. It wasn't a horrible date, but it didn't quite reach her expectations. '_Maybe I really don't like him that way. I had fun, but I had fun with a friend. It didn't feel like a date with a boyfriend._' Shaking her head, Ino got in bed and decided to sleep on it. '_I guess all those dreams and all those awkward moments confused me. I guess I'll just break the bad news to Naruto the next time I see him. Hopefully he doesn't get too upset._' Ino then drifted off to sleep.

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The next morning, Naruto woke up early and raced to Ino's apartment. He knocked on her door, but there was no answer. After a few minutes, Naruto wondered if maybe she woke up early and left. Naruto jumped up to her window and looked in to see if she was still sleeping. '_I should check on her to see if she's alright._' Yes people, Naruto DID NOT decide to check on her to see if she's changing or coming out of the shower. And he DOES NOT have a lecherous grin on his face.

Looking inside, Naruto caught a glimpse of Ino still sleeping. Wanting to give her a Naruto style wake-up call, Naruto slipped through the window and came upon her bed. Taking a moment to just stare at her for a bit, Naruto quietly mumbled out, "beautiful."

Ino opened her eyes. Being a ninja meant any kind of sound or movement had the possibility of waking her up. Her brain still fogged with sleep, she looked around and saw Naruto. '_Damn it, I'm dreaming again. Oh well, might as well make the most of it._' She then grabbed Naruto, pulled him down, and rolled him over onto his back. She then straddled him and gave him the most sensual kiss ever.

Naruto couldn't believe his luck. When Ino first opened her eyes and looked at him, Naruto thought he was a dead man. If he ran, Ino would chase after him while screaming, "PERVERT," and would catch him and give him a beating he wouldn't forget. If he stayed still and accept his punishment, he would still get a beating, but at least the entire village wouldn't think he was a pervert and they wouldn't see him get his ass whooped. So he moaned with pleasant surprise when Ino decided to massage his tongue with hers. Caught off guard, Naruto couldn't hold back the erection that made an appearance.

'_Wow, this has been the best dream so far. It feels so real. I can even feel his erection, and that's never occurred in my other dreams._' That last thought brought a stop to her actions. '_Wait a sec, an erection?_' Breaking off the kiss, Ino looked at Naruto. Sleep completely wore off and she screamed, "NARUTO, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ON MY BED!"

'_Is that a trick question?_' "Kissing you."

"WHY ARE _YOU_ KISSING ME?"

Scratching his head, Naruto asked, "Were you expecting to kiss someone else?"

Ino calmed herself and recalled what happened. When she realized what she did, she slid off the bed and sat on the ground. She brought her knees up so she could hide her face in between them. '_I can NOT believe what I just did._' Pulse skyrocketing, Ino decided to reassess her decision from last night. '_Okay, maybe I do like Naruto. That was one INTENSE kiss. I've kissed guys before, but it never felt __**that**__ good and it never left me in this kind of state. What am I going to do?_'

Not quite sure what to do, Naruto quietly asked, "Ino? Are you okay?" Seeing Ino shake her hands between her knees, Naruto got down on the floor and engulfed her in an embrace from behind. "Talk to me, Ino." Ino shook her head again, and Naruto let out a sigh. Swiveling her on her butt, Naruto faced her and brought her face out of her knees. Her face was a healthy shade of red, her lips were in a small pout, and she was completely wide-eyed. She looked extremely cute and Naruto fought the urge to kiss her again.

Making eye contact and bringing a finger up to her chin to keep her from looking away, Naruto began to speak. "Ino, I'm gonna ask you a few yes or no questions. Just nod or shake your head, understand?" Ino nodded.

"It was my first kiss, sort of, and it was wonderful. Did you enjoy it as well?" Ino nodded her head.

"I'm glad to hear that. Are you feeling embarrassed because of that kiss?" Ino nodded her head again.

"Hehe, I can understand. I feel a little overwhelmed about it myself, but it felt really nice. Do you think we can do that again sometime in the future?" Ino took a moment before slowly nodding her head.

Giving a grin, he continued. "That's good to know. I want you to know that I really like you. Do you feel the same?" Taking an even longer time, Ino nodded her head.

Naruto took a deep breath. '_Time for the hundred-million yen question._' "Will you be my girlfriend?" It seemed like eternity before Ino nodded her head.

With a full blown smile on his face, Naruto asked his last question. "You wanna continue where we left off from earlier." Crimson burned across Ino's face, but it didn't stop her from nodding her head.

Naruto and Ino spent the rest of the morning experimenting and abusing some of the benefits of their new relationship.

**Author's Note: I want to thank those people who complimented me on my writing. However, I'm going to clear up a few things. I am NOT a writer and I DO NOT like to write. I just type whatever pops into my head and press the spellchecker function. Spellchecker then proceeds to fix ALL spelling AND grammar errors. Viola, you have a decently written story. So there you go, I'm really not that great of a writer. THANK GOD FOR SPELLCHECKER.**


	6. Chapter 6

**I don't own Naruto**

Ino giggled as Naruto nuzzled his face into her neck. They were both currently on Ino's bed with Ino's back to Naruto's chest. The entire morning was spent in each other arms. They didn't get past making out, mainly because they probably weren't ready for it. And also part of it was because they were intimately finding every possible way to get to first base.

After a few more minutes of necking, Ino asked Naruto, "So why did you come over so early in the morning? Did you need something?"

"No, I just wanted to see you."

"Well, now that you saw me, what are you going to do now?"

"Stay here."

Ino giggled again when Naruto licked her neck. "NARUTO…..quit it; don't you need to go do something?"

"Not anymore."

Ino moaned as Naruto sucked on a tender and sensitive part of her neck. "Naruto, I'm being serious. We can't do this all day."

"Why not?"

"Because…..because….." Ino racked her brain for an answer, but too much of her brain was being occupied with the endorphins produced from the pleasure she was receiving. "Because we just can't."

Naruto smiled at the weak answer. He started kissing her neck and worked his way up to her ear. Once he reached it, he whispered into her ear as sensually as possible, "Sounds like you really don't want to do anything else either." Naruto slowly licked her ear. "Plus, I'm not finished on experimenting how to make you feel _good._"

Ino violently shivered. If she didn't find a way to get Naruto off of her, she would break first and rip Naruto's clothes to pieces and send their relationship to the next level. '_Even though that doesn't sound too unpleasant at the moment, I really should stop this before it gets any further._' Naruto gave another playful lick to her ear and blew on it. Ino's resolve took a big hit. '_Then again we are adults now and so what if we go to the next level._' The naughty part of her personality tried to reason for her to get it on. On the verge of cracking, she tried one last attempt. "Naruto, I really think we should stop. Isn't your team expecting you or something?"

When Naruto didn't answer, Ino just said to herself, '_Aw fuck it. Its not like I got anything planned either._' Right as she was ready to give herself over completely to the pleasure, Naruto jumped up and shouted. "OH SHIT….I was supposed to meet my team and take the Chuunin Exam today." Looking at the clock on the wall, he shouted again, "CRAP…..I was supposed to be at the bridge ten minutes ago. Sorry Ino, but I gotta go. Thanks for reminding me." He then made a quick exit before Ino could even think to respond.

Ino scowled, '_What the fuck! How the hell is he going to just go and leave me all hot and bothered? THAT JERK! He didn't even say a proper goodbye._' Standing up, she was instantly caught off guard when Naruto reappeared before her.

"I forgot to get my goodbye kiss." Naruto took her into his arms and gave a deep kiss. Running his hands down her back, he reached her derriere and gave them a nice squeeze. Ino squealed at the sudden physical action, but she enjoyed it nonetheless. Breaking off the kiss, Naruto looked her in the eyes and said, "Wish me luck. I'll see you in a week or so." After that, Naruto disappeared again.

Anger completely eradicated, Ino had a goofy expression on her face. Bringing her hands to her cheeks, she blushed and giggled. '_Oh my God, that was incredible. Hehehe…..good luck on the exam, Naruto-kun._' Ino then paused. "OH SHIT……the Chunnin Exam. I'm one of the examiners for the test. CRAP, I'M LATE TOO!"

Both blondes rushed to their rendezvous point with a huge smile.

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Naruto met up with Konohamaru and Moegi at the bridge. He quickly apologized for being late and Team Four headed off to the exam center. At the registration room, they met up with the only other Konoha team: Hanabi, Udon, and Inari. This is Hanabi's second attempt at the Chuunin Exams. She single-handedly led her team passed the second part of the exam. She made it into the third part of the exam, but failed to get past the first round. The rest of the team decided not to enter in the next exam so she ended up on this team right now. For Udon, this was his first attempt. He believed he didn't have the physical capacity to keep up, so he declined the test when he was still with Konohamaru and Moegi. It gave Naruto a chance to take the test with Team Four and the team thrived with its new formation. Now feeling capable of taking the test, Udon decided to team up with Hanabi and Inari instead of breaking up a working formula. Inari, from Wave Country, inspired to become a ninja and decided to be Leaf nin just like his new hero. He entered into Konoha's academy and swiftly made it out in quick fashion. Making a rash decision, he decided to take the exam fresh out of the academy just like his role model did. However, he didn't make it past the second exam and he worked harder to be better prepared. When he found out that Hanabi and Udon needed another member, preferably one with prior experience of taking the exam, he jumped at the opportunity. This is also his second attempt.

Both teams nodded to each other and made it up to the waiting room and settled themselves in until the first examiner would make his or her appearance. Naruto then sat back and enjoyed the entertainment that always ensued whenever these two teams got together. Working together for the past six months, Udon and Inari developed a healthy crush on their female teammate. Hanabi, just like her sister, filled out very nicely and presented herself gracefully. She exuded confidence in typical Hyuuga fashion without the normal Hyuuga stuck-up personality. People who knew her outside of inner circles just saw her as a normal, cold Hyuuga; but Inari and Udon had privileges of seeing her in a more personal manner. Without a mother figure to learn from, Hinata took the role of influencing Hanabi. Hinata passed on her kindness to Hanabi, and Hanabi's confidence seemed to rub off onto Hinata. All in all, it was a healthy relationship that both sisters came to rely on.

Another thing Hanabi picked up on her sister were her tastes in men, much to the chagrin of Udon and Inari. Just like how Hinata enjoyed Naruto's boisterous personality, Hanabi soon found herself attracted to the equivalent of Naruto's little brother: Konohamaru. Being good friends with Udon and developing a friendly rival with Inari, Konohamaru chose to ignore the very, very, _very_, subtle advances made by Hanabi. Another reason why he deemed it safe to ignore those advances was because of Moegi. After a sparring session with Hanabi, Konohamaru found himself _somehow_ trapped between the ground and the Hyuuga princess. Seeing the way Hanabi rubbed herself onto Konohamaru, Moegi went livid with jealousy and immediately attacked Hanabi. The ensuing cat fight brought Moegi's affection to Konohamaru's awareness and he's been treading on very thin ice since that incident.

Noticing the evil glare Moegi had for Hanabi and the jealous stares directed towards Konohamaru, Naruto grinned at the bizarre love triangle, or in this case, love pentagon. Seeing Konohamaru's desperate plea for help in his eyes, Naruto looked around the room to see if everyone taking the test was present. Deciding that now would be a good time to signal the start of the exams and save Konohamaru from impending doom, Naruto smirked at Konohamaru and Inari. "You boys ready to keep with tradition?"

Said boys nodded their heads enthusiastically while Hanabi and Moegi huffed in indignation. Hanabi asked, "Must you do this again at this exam?"

Looking insulted, Naruto snapped back with a, "OF COURSE…..I've been doing it at every exam. It's tradition." Naruto gave a silent signal and the three of them jumped on a table.

Pointing at themselves, Inari started off. "I'M INARI FROM THE WAVE!"

"I'M SARUTOBI KONOHAMARU!"

"AND I'M UZUMAKI NARUTO!"

All three pointed at the crowd of foreign gennins and said in unison, "AND WE'RE GONNA KICK YOUR ASSES!"

Hearing the unofficial signal to start the exam, Morino Ibiki showed up in a puff of smoke and yelled, "SHUT UP AND LISTEN UP!"

Naruto's fourth Chuunin Exam began.

**ZYXVWUTSROPQMNLKJIHGEFDCBA**

Both Leaf teams breezed through the first two exams. It was of course expected of them to pass, but the two teams passed with ease. With Naruto leading his team, they finished the second part of the exam in just a few hours. Udon's mental capacity proved to have potential to match that of Shikamaru someday, and with Hanabi's eyes, the other team managed to pass in less then a day. At the preliminaries for the final round, all six were lucky not to have faced each other. The preliminaries were where Konohamaru and Moegi fell, but not this time as they made quick work with their opponents. Naruto's opponent forfeited because Naruto's reputation was near legendary outside of Konoha and Hanabi finished her fight within two seconds with one well placed Jyuuken palm to the stomach. Inari's fight was the spectacle of the day as he was faced off against a behemoth of a man from Stone and Udon merely outsmarted his opponents with a clever use of traps.

After the preliminaries were over, the two teams decided to celebrate their good fortune. Gathering up all their friends, a party was held at the local BBQ restaurant. The members of both teams entertained their friends as they told exaggerated tales of their struggles and victories while in the Forest of Death.

Naruto was telling his version of their visit through the forest by animating everything with his body. Hinata and Sakura sat beside him as they listened to his storytelling. While he was incanting his adventure, Ino sat across the room fuming. Ino was not happy. When she first entered the restaurant, she made eye contact with Naruto. Both not sure whether the other wanted to keep their relationship a secret, they waited for the other to make the first move. When neither made a move to advertise their relationship, they acted like friends. But now that Naruto had on both sides of him a girl who had the biggest crush on him for the longest time and another girl who _he_ had the biggest crush on for the longest time, Ino couldn't stand it any longer. '_Look at those __**sluts**__. They're all over him._' Ino looked on at Hinata and Sakura who were both about an arms length away from him. '_I mean c'mon, it's obvious that he's trying to get them off of him._' Naruto continued to enthusiastically capture their attention by making loud noises. '_I'm not jealous or anything, but the way they're acting so desperate is sickening._' Ino **was not** jealous and she **was not** seeing things in a biased fashion.

Naruto said something that made Hinata giggle and Sakura playfully hit Naruto in the arm. Seeing Sakura _molesting_ her boyfriend, Ino couldn't take it anymore. She got up and excused herself at the table she was sitting and made her way to Naruto. Once she got over to the hyper blonde, she said in an unnatural sweet voice, "Hi honey, how are you enjoying your party so far?" Before any answer was given, Ino then sat down on Naruto's lap.

Seeing Ino _clearly_ marking her territory, all the guys stayed quiet and ignored the situation. After all, if a guy marks his territory on a girl, other guys respect that and they don't hit on the girl. At least, not in front of the guy. But for girls, it's like the female version of throwing down a challenge. When a girl marks her territory on a guy, other females see it as blatant, "He's mine bitch. You ain't getting your slutty hands on _my _man." The challenged would then respond back with, "You wanna bet?" So right after she sat on his lap, Ino stared at the other girls, waiting for someone to say something. Not wanting to disappoint her, Sakura decided to lead off. "My, my, Ino, you're being awfully familiar with Naruto."

Feeling the intensity in the situation, all of the guys, including Naruto, watched in silence. Ino smartly retorted, "Well of course I am. After all, he is my _boyfriend_."

Hinata gasped in surprise while Sakura kept a straight face. "That's funny, I could have swore that Naruto still liked someone else about a week or two ago," Sakura said.

"Actually it was a month ago when he stopped liking you. And we've been seeing each other since then and became official right before the exams."

Hinata decided to get in a few of her own licks. "Doesn't that mean you were a rebound?" Hinata instantly regretted saying those words as she saw Ino's stunned reaction.

Ino was momentarily shocked when kind and innocent Hinata threw in her own punches. She cleared her head and realized she shouldn't be too shocked; she did take Hinata's crush away. Plus, she did make a good argument. Defeated, Ino had nowhere to run. However, Naruto came to her rescue. He embraced Ino and said in a quiet but sturdy voice, "You're kinda right, Hinata-chan, she was a rebound for me. But she rejected me for the first few weeks. She knew I was trying to get over Sakura-chan by using her and she tried to stay away, but you know me, I eventually got to her." Naruto pulled Ino closer to him as he established himself as Ino's man. "During the time I tried to get closer to her, I got to know Ino better. I learned things about her that made me want to get to know her even more. After awhile, I no longer tried to catch her attention; I merely wanted to make her smile." Ino blushed and looked down at her hands. Naruto tightened his embrace and continued. "I guess I finally broke Ino down, cuz I asked her to be my girlfriend a week ago and she said yes. Haven't been able stop thinking about how lucky I feel since that day."

Forcing a smile to her face, Sakura said, "Wow, that's amazing. I'm happy for you Naruto. Congratulations on your relationship; you too Ino." Everyone else voiced the same thing Sakura said and both Ino and Naruto thanked everyone for it. Naruto kissed Ino on the cheek and everyone resumed the party.

Even though Sakura congratulated the new couple, she felt a little empty on the inside. One of the cornerstones of her life was taken away. No longer having something that she could always rely on left her unsure of how to act around Naruto. Should she act the same or should she distance herself from him? Confused, she did her best to minimize any contact with Naruto for the rest of the party.

Hinata as well was having trouble with the news. If Naruto so quickly got over Sakura with Ino, did she miss an opportunity that could have brought her infinite happiness? Or was there just something special he saw about Ino that he didn't see in her? Also confused, but more used to having unrequited feelings and just being part of the background, she merely acted how she normally would for the rest of the party.

**ABCDFEGHIJKLNMQPORSTUWVXYZ**

A month passed and the six gennins from Leaf, a nin from Grass, and a nin from Mist stood standing in the coliseum. Naruto spent much of his month training each of the Leaf nins individually. Giving a day of the week to each of his comrades, the training schedule left little time for Naruto and Ino to enjoy the novelty of their relationship. Ino as well had her own responsibilities at the Interrogation Department and the only time they really spent together was in the early mornings and late evenings. This of course made it convenient for them the spend the nights together, and being in each other arms at night and morning proved to be enough to satisfy the cravings to be with each other at every moment of the day.

Once the opening ceremony finished, Konohamaru and Udon started off the finals. Being good friends meant being constant sparring partners. It was Udon's strategy versus Konohamaru's will. Usually being a fifty-fifty match, Konohamaru got lucky and capitalized on a miscued trap set by Udon.

The next match-up proved to have much drama: Moegi versus Hanabi. In a normal _hypothetical_ situation, Moegi would be outclassed in every way. Hanabi had superior training in all aspects of being a ninja: she was faster, stronger, and smarter. However, since both girls had a grudge with each other over a common issue named Konohamaru, the match leveled out due to intensity. The sheer determination not to lose to the other provided a spectacular kunoichi match. In the end, skill prevailed for the Hyuuga and Moegi lost.

The following match brought Naruto and a Mist nin. Having too much fear and respect for the legendary blonde ninja, the Mist nin quickly forfeited and displeasure from the crowd promptly filled the air. After announcing Naruto the winner, Inari jumped down from the ledge and started the match against the Grass nin. The two nins seemed to be evenly matched, but home-crowd proved to be a little too much of a disadvantage for the Grass nin.

With the first round done and over, Naruto and Hanabi started off the next round. Frustrated that she had to fight Naruto, she took a deep breath and mentally prepared herself for the fight. When the referee said start, Naruto started off with a comment. "So, Hanabi-chyaaaaaan, how would you like to do this? Want me to end it fast or end it slow?"

Hanabi stayed calm and didn't say a word, knowing that Naruto always used the strategy of trying to make her mad. She simply attacked Naruto with what she believed was a strong offense. Naruto on the other hand had a different view of her offense as he effortlessly dodged all her attacks. Not even taking his hands out of his pocket, Naruto started to whistle. After a few more minutes of Hanabi attacking and Naruto dodging, Hanabi remembered why Naruto always used this particular strategy. '_Because it always __**freaking WORKS**_'

Frustration poured off of Hanabi as her stances started to lose form and her attacks became a little bit wilder. Clearly showing her capabilities of doing all the Hyuuga attacks and techniques but still unable to land an attack on Naruto, Hanabi used up all her chakra in a desperation attack. When Naruto dodged it once again with little effort, Hanabi looked to the referee and said, "I no longer have any chakra to continue with. I withdraw."

Naruto smiled at Hanabi and said, "You did a good job Hanabi-chan. Even though it might not look like it, I did try very hard. You could have won that match at any moment had I not been trying my hardest."

"Thank you for your words of encouragement, but the results of the fight proved otherwise. You had me outmatched in every way." Hanabi bowed to Naruto to show respect, which surprised everyone in the stands. Many believed the Hyuuga family didn't bow for anyone but their clansmen and the Hokage. Hinata had a warm smile and Neji smirked at the scene.

The next match provided a large amount of entertainment for the crowds. Konohamaru and Inari adopted Naruto's philosophy in fighting. Using sheer will, spur-of-the-moment tactics, and a spontaneous flow of taijutsu, the match show-cased several swings of momentum. Every time it looked like one would win, the other would pull out an amazing move to switch the tides. Konohamaru had the benefit of training with Naruto more, and in the end, the training showed since Konohamaru was able to last a little longer during the last stretch of the match. With the semifinals over, the competitors and the audience took a thirty minute intermission. The two recuperated finalists then made their way to the center of the arena.

"Oi, Konohamaru, you ready to give these people a show?"

"Hehehe….try to keep up, nii-chan."

Both the boys grinned at each other and began their match. Konohamaru fought his best fight of his life. He pulled out all of his tactics, strategies and techniques in this fight. Not wanting to disappoint his role model, he fought at a level uncharacteristic of a gennin. Naruto matched him at an even level, wanting to push Konohamaru and present him in an impressive light for the judges to see. Once Konohamaru exhausted all of his tricks and all of his chakra, Naruto called out to him, "Looks like you're at the end of your ropes. You concede?"

"Haha, yeah, I'm all out. But I'm not gonna give you the easy finish. I don't give up. You taught me that, and I'll continue to fight." Konohamaru then charged Naruto and attacked with taijutsu only, since he had no chakra left. Seeing that Konohamaru had nothing left to give, he sneaked behind the younger gennin and brought a kunai up to his neck. "Oi, referee person, I think the match is over." He then addressed Konohamaru, "You did a good job. You looked cool today; but more importantly, you looked like a Konoha shinobi." Konohamaru rubbed his nose and thanked Naruto.

With the matches over and Naruto declared winner, the Council and audience went into another recession. Once the judging committee concluded their decisions, the eight gennins reassembled before the jam-packed crowd. Tsunade stepped out and initiated the presentation ceremony.

"Everyone here gave a stellar performance. Your village would be proud at the impressive display of ninja prowess. With all of…." Naruto zoned out the speech, hearing it for the third time and picked up his attention to the part that mattered. "When I call your name, please step out and receive your Chuunin vest."

When Konohamaru's name was called, he yelled out in joy and ran to get his promotion. Once he received it, he ran back excitedly to Naruto and showed off his vest. Inari and Moegi followed in similar fashion while Udon modestly accepted his. The Grass nin then received his with composure and Hanabi let out a sigh of relief when her name was finally called out. The entire stadium filled with silence as they waited for the next outcome. A murmur of shock ran through the audience when the Mist nin received a promotion as well. He did nothing and forfeited from the beginning. Knowing this, the stunned Mist nin couldn't believe he was getting promoted. Silence once again filled the stadium as they waited to see if Naruto was promoted as well. After all, if the Mist nin got promoted, shouldn't Naruto, who won the Chuunin exams again, get a promotion as well?

Much to the displeasure of Tsunade, she was finished with the presentation. "I would like to congratulate all of the participants who received their promo….." Tsunade was cut off from the loud protest heard in the audience and Konohamaru taking off his vest and throwing it down to the ground in anger.

"That's a bunch of bullshit. Why doesn't Naruto-niichan get a promotion? He won the god damn tournament!"

One of the elders on the Council stood up and said, "Honored grandson, your action is not befitting to one of your stature. Please pick up your vest and put it back on."

Konohamaru yelled back, "FUCK YOU, you guys only promoted us to spite Naruto-niichan. A great ninja once told me there is no shortcut on the road to Hokage. I will NOT accept something I didn't earn."

Inari, Moegi, and Udon followed Konohamaru's action and removed their vest. They placed their vest in a pile on top of Konohamaru's discarded vest and returned to their place in line. Hanabi sighed at their actions and removed her vest as well. '_Stupid team building exercises. I cannot believe I'm giving up my promotion._'

The Council members were outraged at the insubordination. The Council members ordered everyone to pick up there vest and wear it, but all the gennins refused the order. When the remaining two nins who were promoted saw what was happening, they gave each other a frown. Confused on what to do, the Grass nin saw the Mist nin start to take off his jacket. But before he could take his off as well, Naruto interrupted them, "No, leave it on." Naruto then walked out to the pile of vests and turned to face the Leaf nins. "All of you...come here and put your vest back on."

Moegi, Udon, and Hanabi hesitated before slowly walking up to Naruto and obeying his commands. Konohamaru and Inari stayed where they were at. Naruto addressed the two boys. "Come here and put your vest back on."

Inari replied, "No, Konohamaru-kun is right. We didn't earn those, and we don't deserve to wear them."

Naruto looked at Inari and spoke. "Inari, you made an oath when you became a ninja for Konoha. What was that oath?"

Pausing before answering, Inari said, "To protect and serve Konohagakure to the best of my abilities."

Naruto nodded his head at the answer. "The promotion to Chuunin is not only a privilege, but it is a responsibility to accept harder and more important missions to benefit Konoha. You are breaking your promise to Konoha when you decline this vest. I don't like it when people break their word." Naruto continued in a softer tone of voice. "Pick up your vest."

Not wanting to disappoint his hero, he picked up his vest and put it on. Naruto then looked towards Konohamaru and said, "You too otouto. Put your vest back on."

Konohamaru gritted his teeth and said, "No, you've always said that those who break the rules are trash; but those who betray their friends are worse than trash. If I pick that vest up, then I would be going against what you taught me."

"So it's okay to let down the rest of your friends, your family, and your village just for me?"

"I think they would understand and forgive me this once."

"Konohamaru, look around you. Do you see everyone watching? They watched you become a Chuunin today. You do deserve that vest. Everyone cheered for you when you received your promotion. Don't disappoint them. Don't disappoint me." Naruto let what he said sink in. He continued again after a few seconds. "You once told me that you would fight me for the name of Hokage. I took you seriously and I respected you. Are you giving up that fight?"

"No."

"If you are taking it seriously then pick up your vest. Stop pitying me and fight for the name of Hokage."

Konohamaru looked up at Naruto and said, "I'm not pitying you."

"Then pick up your vest."

Konohamaru clenched his hand into a fist. After a moment, Konohamaru picked up his vest. In a quiet voice, he said, "I'm surpassing you nii-chan. Better hurry up and catch up." He then went back into line.

Smiling at his comrades, Naruto addressed the newly promoted Chuunins. "Today, you have been promoted to Chuunin. You fought well and brought honor to your village. On behalf of Konoha, I'd like to congratulate you on your promotion. Continue to serve your village with honor and pride."

The crowd cheered for the new Chuunins while Tsunade stared at Naruto with an annoyed look. '_Damn brat took my speech. What the hell am I supposed to say now?_'

Naruto walked up to Konohamaru and ruffled his hair. "I'm proud of you Konohamaru. And I know your grandfather would be proud of you too."

Konohamaru didn't reply. He was too busy holding back tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. Naruto walked towards the exit and left the fighting grounds with the audience chanting for Naruto. In one of the balconies, a group of Konoha ninjas sat together. A lazy nin spoke up once Naruto left everyone's field of vision. "Hmmph…..the Council said the reason why he isn't promoted was because he didn't display leadership and has a lack of discipline and restraint. He just commanded a group of nins that rebelled against the Council. And instead of having everyone rally around him and give him support, he forced the group of ninjas to serve Konoha instead of serving his own purposes." Shikamaru closed his eyes. "It's going to be troublesome when we have someone like him become Hokage. He'll probably end up having me do all the work."

Neji smirked. "But he'll make Konoha great."

Kiba laughed as well. "It'll be fun harassing him and giving him a hard time when he becomes Hokage."

The other nins listened in wonderment as they heard some of the most well respected ninjas say and agree that Naruto would become Hokage. The way that they conceded to Naruto so nonchalantly made many reassess their view on the demon-carrier.

Naruto walked up the last of the stairs and entered the balcony. Seeing his friends, he placed a hand on the back of his head and sheepishly said, "Looks like I failed again."

**Author's Note: So did anyone notice anything weird with this chapter? Hahaha…anyways…..I wanna say sorry beforehand. I kinda rushed this chapter trying to finish as fast as possible. Hope you enjoyed it anyways. Someone suggested I get a beta reader and I decided it was good advice. I really don't know what a beta reader does besides reading it before anyone else does; but why the heck not. So I got any volunteers?**


	7. Chapter 7

**I don't own Naruto**

Naruto looked up to the stars in the sky as he rested his back against the top of the Hokage monument. A large party was held for all the promoted ninjas earlier in the evening. He stayed at the party for a long while, but he looked for the first opportunity available to leave. It was supposed to be a celebration, and he didn't want to bring the party down with people pitying him. He made his escape to one of his old favorite haunts and let his mind drift on nothing in particular.

Naruto gave a sigh once he felt a familiar chakra appear behind him. "It's kinda late for peeking, Ero-Sennin, all the girls are asleep."

Jiraiya didn't respond and sat down beside Naruto. The Toad Hermit gazed at the stars with his blonde student, and the two of them sat in silence for awhile. Naruto broke the silence and said, "I failed again, Ero-Sennin."

"Yeah, I know." Silence descended upon the two again.

"Do you think I'll ever be promoted?" Naruto asked in a quiet voice.

"You should be able to be promoted in the next exam."

"That's what you said about the one in Sand."

"I didn't think the Council would use the alliance to _persuade_ the Sand Council to fail you. The next one is in Rock Country, and the Council will have no influence over them."

"It won't be the same though. I wanted to be promoted this time. I really did. All my friends were watching and my teammates cheered me on. You and baachan watched as well. I felt like I failed you guys."

Jiraiya put a smile on his face. "Nonsense, you didn't fail anyone. Did you not hear the crowd screaming for you? You've been telling everyone that someday you would be recognized and that your existence will be acknowledged. You did that today. You had all of Konoha in an uproar, just for you."

Naruto grinned. "You're getting soft on me, Ero-Sennin. But thanks anyways." The two continued to gaze at the stars and let the sense of peace overtake them.

Naruto took a look at Jiraiya and scrunched his face in thought. After making a decision, Naruto spoke to Jiraiya. "Hey Ero-Sennin, I think I'm falling in love."

Not batting an eye, he responded, "Well I'm glad you figured that out. But why are you telling me this now? You've been telling me that for the past five years."

Naruto shook his head. "No, I'm for real this time. And it's not with Sakura-chan. I found someone else and I think I love her."

Surprised this time, the Toad Hermit sat up and looked at Naruto. "What? Are you telling me that you no longer love Sakura, the girl and reason you refused hundreds of other girls on our training trip?"

Having an annoyed look on his face, Naruto rebuked, "There weren't hundreds of girls and yes I no longer like Sakura-chan."

"WHAT A WASTE! You could have had the time of your life and you gave up all that for some girl that you didn't even get with in the end!"

"Look Ero-Sennin, I'm not that kind of guy. I haven't regretted it _once_ for denying any of those girls."

"Even Kasumi?"

"Okay, I haven't regretted it _more than once_ for denying any of those girls."

"What about Reina?"

"Naw, she was hot and all, but she made fun of the color orange."

Jiraiya lifted an eyebrow at the reason. Naruto didn't pay attention to Jiraiya's expression and continued, "Anyways, I'm not the kind of guy that goes gaga for a pretty girl and jump at any chance for a one time fling." Naruto crossed his arms in front of him, hoping that his point made it across to the perverted sensei.

"I still got Sachiko's picture with her phone number on the back. Bark for me and I'll give it to you." Naruto impersonated Akamaru and Jiraiya handed him the picture.

After the exchange, Naruto coughed and cleared his throat. "Don't change the subject Ero-Sennin. The point of the matter is that they don't mean anything to me. Right now, I'm in love with a wonderful girl."

"So who's the lucky girl?"

"Yamanaka Ino." When Jiraiya didn't show any signs of recognition, Naruto used description. "Blonde girl that wears purple all the time."

Eyes flared with recognition. "Ohhhhh…..that girl. Let me see here." Jiraiya rummaged through his scrolls and brought one out. "Is that her?" Jiraiya pointed at a nude sketch with all the kunoichi Naruto knew.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH THOSE DRAWINGS ERO-SENNIN! DON'T YOU HAVE ANY—ooohhhh, you captured Ino's thighs very nicely." Naruto gasped. "And is that picture of Hinata accurate? She's got a _very_ nice proportion on her. And I love that pose you gave Tenten. I think you've been getting better Ero-Sennin."

"No, you flatter me too much." Jiraiya turned the scroll around and looked at the picture. "I must admit, you picked one dandy of a chick. I must commend you on your selection."

Naruto scratched the back of his head sheepishly. "Thanks, glad you approve."

"So tell me about her and how you two got together."

Naruto proceeded to tell Ero-Sennin the story. When Naruto finished, Ero-Sennin said, "Impressive. You did a fine job. I do believe you are in love. You already have better luck in that field than me."

"What do you mean?"

"There was a girl I was in love with, but I couldn't even get it started, unlike you."

"Is this the girl you call Hime-sama?"

Jiraiya barked out his laughter. "Yeah she is, but unlike your pet name for your special woman, the girl I liked was an actual princess." His eyes unfocused as he reminisced old times. "I was just a young boy and entering the ninja academy when I first met her. She was beautiful, she still is. We had a love-hate relationship with each other, but in truth, no one treated me better than her. There were people who were nicer to me than her, but she shared a relationship with me that no one else even offered. One day, I finally decided to grow the balls and confess my feelings, but she found someone that day. I approached her with a bouquet of flowers in my hand, but she didn't notice. She was too happy to notice. The thing is, I couldn't even get mad. She showed happiness she didn't show for a long time, and the guy she was happy over was a great man. I smiled and congratulated them like an idiot. I guess I didn't really love her if I was happy she was with another man."

Naruto stayed quiet through the entire story. Jiraiya adopted that faraway look he gets whenever he thought about his Hime-sama and Naruto knew better than to break the moment. It was rare to see Ero-Sennin like this and Naruto was always glad whenever he did. It made Naruto feel special whenever the Toad Hermit showed something only to him and no one else.

Jiraiya cleared his head and redirected his attention towards Naruto. "Anyways, it seems like you discovered love. Would you like to learn a special technique that only I, the great Toad Hermit, know of?"

Naruto gave a puzzled look. "Huh?"

Jiraiya gave a smirk. "I decided that once you found love, I would teach you the ultimate technique to make a woman happy. I taught it to Yondaime and he was able to snag the girl of his dreams. Would you like to know this super, super, secret technique that has been forbidden by the only woman alive to have received its pleasures?"

Naruto's eyes grew wide with wonder. "This better not be a hoax or something perverted."

"Bah, it is no joke, and it's not completely perverted."

"What is this technique?"

Jiraiya smiled. "This is a technique I developed when I was younger. Tsunade just made a break through with some kind of medical development. She created something called Chakra Therapy for the older and less limber ninjas. It enhanced performance by soothing the ligaments and joints while giving flexibility to the muscles. It also widens the chakra openings momentarily to enable speedy recovery and self-healing. By the time she developed this, I've already mastered the sensual art of full body massage and acupuncture. When Tsunade taught me and Orochimaru Chakra Therapy, I combined it with my knowledge of pressure points and skills with body massage. Thus, 'The Works' was born. It grants full relaxation with heavenly pleasures." Jiraiya finished his explanation in dramatic fashion and with a huge smile on his face.

Naruto on the other hand was a little skeptical about it. "I don't know. It sounds like 'The Works' just gives you a viable excuse to put your hands all over a woman."

"It benefits both parties. Plus, if you were to give this to your Ino-chan, it would require her to be _naked_. And by the end of it, she'll be putty in your hands."

Naruto gave a lecherous grin. "Teach me."

'_That's my boy._'

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMFEEDMETUVWXYZ**

The two spent the next few hours on the technique. Jiraiya demonstrated it on one of Naruto's Sexy no Jutsu bunshin. Once Naruto was confident with what he learned, he thanked Jiraiya. In response to Naruto, Jiraiya said, "Now listen, this is an unofficial forbidden technique. I will only allow you to use it on the one you love. After all, only two women has ever experienced this. Yondaime's woman, and the girl I loved. If you're serious about Ino, than go ahead and use it. Don't abuse this."

Naruto nodded his head. He then brought up something that was bothering him through the night. "Hey Ero-Sennin, Obaachan is the granddaughter of Shodaime, right?" Jiraiya nodded his head.

"That would kind of make her a princess, ne?" Jiraiya hesitantly nodded his head.

"You also met her at the ninja academy and share with her a love-hate relationship, don't you?" When Jiraiya didn't respond, Naruto pressed on. "Did you ever give 'The Works' to baachan?"

The Toad Hermit looked away and didn't say anything. After a few moments, he said, "For someone who everyone thinks is a dense idiot, you sure are perceptive." Naruto grinned in response. "I really hate it that you only drop the baka act around me, kid."

"It's not an act. I just feel smart around you. You have a quality about you that makes people around you seem intelligent."

Jiraiya snorted a grunt. "Whatever kid, why don't you try dropping that act around your friends?"

"I'll drop it when you drop your act of super pervert."

Jiraiya shook his head. "You give me too much credit. I _am_ a super pervert, and I'm proud of it."

"Every man has desires they hide within themselves. However, a pervert is a man who is enslaved by those desires and act out on their urges. Even though you display your desires to others, you always have control over your actions."

Jiraiya blinked. "Do you even know what you said? You read that from a fortune cookie or something?"

Naruto handed him a slip of paper. "Yeah, got it the other day. It reminded me of you."

"You know that this is just a load of bull?"

"Yeah, but everything you say usually is a load of bull. So I decided I could give you something to add to your repertoire."

'_Snotty brat._' Jiraiya faked a smile. "Why thank you Naruto. You're far to kind."

Naruto returned the sarcasm. "It was my pleasure Jiraiya-sama." '_Perverted bastard._'

**ZYXWVUTSRQPAYMEBITCHFEDCBA**

Naruto went home and so did Jiraiya. While Jiraiya headed home, he remembered the conversation he had with Naruto. Deciding to take a detour on the way home, he stopped by the Hokage Tower. It was very late in the evening where he saw a stressed Tsunade working on her third bottle of sake. He let himself in through the window and announced his presence. "Tsunade-chan, drinking without me?"

An irritated Hokage answered back with a, "I'm not in the mood for your nonsense. Go peek on some unsuspecting woman."

Hearing the sharp retort, Jiraiya asked, "So, tough day at the office?"

Tsunade sighed, "It's bad enough that I have all the normal issues dealing with handling political relations, trying to outsmart Orochimaru, and keeping the issue of Akatsuki under control, but now I got some bullshit group that organized under the alias of BIATCH. It's called Brothers Incorporated Against Totalitarian and Conniving Harlots. It's some radical group consisted of men who protest against oppression women abuse over men. It also has that stupid exposition called the bent position as its doctrine. And while I have to deal with the stupid issues of this stupid organization, the Council bullies me into making all my decisions however they please, like Naruto's promotion. I don't know how much more of this I can take."

Jiraiya let her rant while he poured her another shot of sake. When she took a moment to down the shot, Jiraiya said, "Why don't you assign a few people to each predicament and take a few days off to rest?"

Tsunade shook her head, "No I can't do that. The only people I can remotely trust are way too busy with the workload I give them. And the only other person who I can trust that isn't consumed with work decides to spend all his time peaking into the woman's bath." Tsunade glares at Jiraiya while he sweats at the hidden accusation. Tsunade just sighed and said, "And it isn't really that bad as I make it. I was just unloading my frustration of not being able to promote Naruto. I've been debating whether or not to just overturn the Council's decision and promote him. I feel like I'm letting him down by allowing the Council to dictate certain decisions."

"I wouldn't do it if I were you. All you would do is bring more trouble and heartache Naruto's way, and the Council will find more reason to dislike your position of authority. He'll be promoted next time when he goes to Stone Village, so don't waste precious power plays over this issue. Plus, it was pretty obvious that the Council's ruling is just a ruse, and the committee's credibility will drop."

"Maybe you're right. Damn it, I hate it when you're right. Now I just feel helpless. I need another bottle." She reached for another bottle of sake in her cabinet but Jiraiya stopped her. "What are you doing? I want another bottle of sake."

"Instead of drinking, how about you relax for a little bit. Drinking isn't going to ease your tension from stress."

Irritated, Tsunade asked, "Well how the hell am I supposed to relax?"

"I could give you a massage."

Tsunade held her breath. "You mean 'The Works?'"

"Well, maybe one not quite as intense. After all, you banned me from ever using it again, and I just want to relax you."

Tsunade thought about the implications of a rubdown similar to 'The Works.' She wanted it, and she knew it would be perfect for this situation. Heck, it would be perfect in any situation. But she didn't want the pervert putting his hands all over her. However, the thought of having Jiraiya's specially created massage technique was too tempting and she caved, "If you even have a single perverted thought, I'll separate your dick from your body with the dullest kunai I can find and nail it to my wall as a trophy."

Jiraiya winced. '_Maybe I shouldn't give her a massage. She does tend to deliver on her threats, no matter how absurd the threat is._' He debated on whether or not he should give it, he was rather fond of his penis and he was pretty sure he wanted it attached right where it was instead of the wall. An impatient Hokage interrupted his thoughts. "Well hurry up and give me the massage. I don't got all night."

Jiraiya laughed nervously and rummaged around for a scroll. Once he found the one he was looking for, he summoned a table designed for massage, a basket full of oils, and a towel. "Okay, I'll turn around and you can take off your clothes and lay down. You can use the towel to cover parts you don't want me seeing." He turned around to hear Tsunade take off her clothes and lay down on the table. Once she confirmed that she was ready, he turned back around to see her laying face down with the towel covering her butt. '_Whoa…..stay calm. Gotta remember what she'll do to me if I don't behave._' He imagined her carrying out her threat and once his state of mind was in a place where he won't be seeing any of Tsunade's anger, he began the massage.

Tsunade was in heaven. The last time she received a massage from Jiraiya was over two decades ago and it was blowing her mind just like it blew her mind then. Unable to control her self, she moaned with each deep rub and let out sighs of pleasure when he eased tense spots on her shoulder and neck. So absorbed into the massage she couldn't observe what the effect she was having on Jiraiya. Right now he was mentally chanting, '_Dick on wall…dick on wall…dick on wall…dickonwallDICKONWALL._' With each noise Tsunade uttered, he wanted to just turn her over and take her there. It was pure torture. But keeping true to his word, he controlled himself and stuck with the massage.

Currently in Tsunade's mind, she was debating on an issue. Being inebriated, slightly turned on by the massage, and the fact that she hasn't been laid in twenty some years gave Tsunade a certain perspective on the situation. If she wanted to, she could blame the sake for her poor decision and the massage for making her horny. It was perfect. Since Jiraiya is a super pervert and would probably bang anything that walked on two legs and had a vagina, she could relieve her sexual tension right here and now. Another good thing about Jiraiya being the one here is that for all the faults he has for being a pervert, he can keep his mouth shut. Keeping secrets is one of the things she can rely him to do. So when Jiraiya finished up on her lower back, she turned around and laid on her back putting her two greatest assets on glorious display. "Okay, now do the front."

Jiraiya froze. Many things ran through Jiraiya's head. His thoughts ran from not being able to finish his latest novel and to wondering how his current student would be faring with his new girl. Every curse word made an appearance in his head _twice_ and he prepared his eulogy for Naruto to place on his epitaph. But all these random thoughts that have no common base with each other converged into a single thought and phrase, '_Fuck._' It wasn't the deep guttural "**fuuuuuuuck**" you say whenever you're in distress and it isn't the loud angry "**FUCK**" you say when your mad or pissed off. It even isn't the surprised "OH FUCK!?!?!?!?" you say when you're in shock. No, this fuck is curt, almost polite, like saying hello. It was just "fuck." And when he took another look at his childhood love in the nude, he remembered her threat and said to himself, '_Fuck._'

"Come on Jiraiya," she purred, "come and get your reward."

Jiraiya gulped. "O-o-o-ok-okay, j-just l-l-let me fin-finish up your massage." '_Screw it. At least my dick will have one last achievement before it gets placed on display. It would almost be worth it too._'

She grabbed the front of his shirt and brought his face to hers. "Alright, but hurry, I can't wait for you to massage me in _other_ places." She then licked his nose to give him more incentive. However it had the opposite effect on him; he could smell the alcohol on her breath. She was drunk. Steeling his resolve, he nodded his head and worked on her upper chest and her neck. Slowly pushing his chakra into certain pressure points, Tsunade began to feel the effects of what Jiraiya was doing. She became drowsy and was slowly losing her grip on reality. Too out of it to know what she was saying and probably not remember what she was going to say, she muttered, "Too bad you're a pervert. We could've spent all our time doing this and making love instead of always fighting. I would've rocked your world." Drifting off to sleep, she mumbled the last sentence, but Jiraiya could still hear it. Shaking his head and putting on a sad smile, he dressed her and picked her up. He took her back to her place and he gently laid her to bed.

'_This has got to be the worst decision made ever. What kind of super pervert am I? I'm giving up a free fuck._' Looking down at the sleeping damsel, he thought, '_Well, the least I deserve is a kiss. And she won't even know it._' After all, if it wasn't for her being the one he loved, he wouldn't have given up on the chance of a mutual no-string-attached fling. He leaned over to place a soft kiss on her lips, but before he could, she mumbled a name out. "Dan." Stopped in his track by one word, he redirected his kiss to her cheek. Looking at her one last time before leaving, he said, "Sweet dreams _Hime-sama_."

**ABCDEFGHIJFINALFUCKTASYXYZ**

The following morning Tsunade woke up completely refreshed. When she got up, she stretched out her arms and thought to herself, '_I haven't felt this good in forever. Last night was the best sleep I've gotten in a very long time._' Wondering what she did different last night to get such a good night's rest, she suddenly stiffened when the details slowly come to her remembrance. Jiraiya gave her 'The Works' and she somehow fell asleep. She quickly checked herself to see if any _extracurricular_ activities happened last night. When she discovered no signs of intercourse, she took a moment to think. She was pretty sure she was a little more than buzzed last night from all the sake she had and she was vaguely aware of the fact that she might have tried to seduce him. But she wasn't sure of herself. She couldn't recall how she fell asleep, and why there were no signs of protrusion. Jiraiya is a certified grade A pervert, and there would be no way he would have passed up on the opportunity to bump uglies with her. After all, catching her at an inebriated state and giving her such a sensual massage is the perfect way to get her into bed; it was almost like he planned it. She also inferred that he probably caused her to fall asleep too. Confused with the entire situation, Tsunade dressed and headed off to the Hokage Tower.

When she reached her office, she settled herself in and started to work on the paperwork even though her mind was occupied with thoughts of last night. Working on autopilot, she failed to notice Shizune address her. Startled when Shizune yelled at her, she looked up and said, "What did you say?"

Frustrated and a little ticked off at being ignored, Shizune responded with, "I said good morning Hokage-sama. Is there anything I can get you?"

"Nothing at the moment; come back in an hour and run by me the schedule for the day. Also, try to get a hold of Jiraiya and tell him I need to discuss something with him as soon as possible."

"Actually, Jiraiya-sama left a note at the secretary's desk. It said he had to take an emergency 'research' obtaining sabbatical. I'm assuming he won't be around for awhile since he'll be too busy peeking on woman." Shizune had an annoyed look on her face as she explained Jiraiya's reason for leave. "But as soon as I see him, I'll tell him that you called for him."

"Thank you Shizune, that will be all for now." After Shizune excused herself, Tsunade leaned back on her chair. Too confused on the situation with Jiraiya, Tsunade decided to put off the issue in favor of a more demanding one; dealing and disposing of the group called BIATCH. Jiraiya could be dealt with later.

Regardless of what happened the night before, Tsunade continued with her work as Hokage without a single more thought of last night.

**Author's Note: Wow, I had a lot of people actually tell me what a beta reader was. In fact, I read it so many times; I was able to recite it by heart. So when my friend talked about needing a beta reader for something in class, I offered to help. She kinda looked at me like I was crazy and asked if I knew what a beta reader was. I then gave the memorized definition with confidence and she kept on staring at me incredulously. She laughed at the fact that I, the completely non-literary friendly engineering major, knew what a beta reader was. I decided to smartly retort back at her with comments of her hair color and the IQ number that is usually co-attached with the particular shade of hair color. It probably wasn't an intelligent thing to do, cuz she immediately answered back with a Bloodline Ender no Jutsu. The stereotype of blondes being stupid isn't true, cuz every time I try to subtly insult them; they pick up pretty fast on the insult and deliver retribution far quicker than I what expect.**


	8. Chapter 8

**I don't own Naruto**

The morning after meeting Jiraiya, Naruto woke up early and rushed towards Ino's apartment, hoping to catch her before she leaves for the Interrogation Department. Once he reached her apartment, he saw Ino coming out the front door. When Ino saw Naruto, she greeted him with a smile on her face. Naruto pulled Ino into an embrace and gave her a very good morning kiss, in Ino's opinion. Once they got the formalities of greeting each other done and over with, Naruto asked her what time she gets back from the department. Ino gave a time and Naruto nodded his head and then asked if she had any plans afterwards. When she denied having any plans, Naruto then told her that he had a special surprise for her after work. After giving another kiss, Naruto said goodbye and made his way to meet his team.

Meanwhile, at the same time, Tenten was rummaging through her stuff at her apartment. She was moving to another apartment and she called Neji over to help her clean and move. While waiting for him to come, Tenten sorted out boxes she needed to move until she caught her eye on something. Reaching under the futon, she found a birthday present one of her civilian friends gave to her as a half-joke. It was a clear blue dildo. She remembered how her friend winked at her and said that now she could use the dildo and pretend it was Neji servicing her. Tenten blushed as she remembered all her wet dreams involving an uptight Hyuuga, but was rudely interrupted when she heard a loud knocking at the door which caused her to jump out of her skin. She quickly threw the dildo into the laundry basket and covered it with some dirty clothes. She then answered the door to see Neji waiting with an impatient look on his face. "Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule to come over and help me move." She said this with a bright smile on her face.

Neji briskly walked passed Tenten and said, "Yes I was busy. Let us finish this quickly." '_Oh yeah, I must uphold my cool and sophisticated image._'

Tenten's smile strained as she thought, '_Stuck-up jerk-wad._'

**ABCDEFGSAYNOTODRUGSTUVWXYZ**

The day passed quickly and Naruto prepared for Ino's surprise at her apartment. He set out the massage table and the basket of oils he received from Ero-Sennin. Lighting a few candles and having soft, mellow music playing in the background, Naruto took a step back to scrutinize his setup. Shortly after Naruto finished his preparations, Ino walked into the apartment and announced her arrival. "I'm home."

Stepping out of the bedroom to greet Ino, Naruto said, "Welcome back. You ready for your surprise?"

Giving a huge grin, Ino replied back, "Heck yeah I'm ready. I couldn't wait to find out what you bought me."

"Uh…actually…I didn't buy you anything."

"Oh….then what's the surprise?"

"It's in the bedroom. C'mon, I'll show you." He guided Ino into her bedroom. When they reached her room, Ino looked in to see the massage table. Pointing at the table, Ino asked, "What's that?"

"That's for you to lie on while I give you 'The Works.'"

"The works?"

"Yeah, it's a full body massage with special techniques to give you the most satisfying and relaxing rejuvenation."

"Okay….then what's the basket of oils for?"

"It's to rub on your body to enhance the rubdown."

"How are you going to put the oil on me with my clothes on?" Naruto paused and stared at Ino with disbelief. Seeing Naruto staring at her, Ino crossed her arms and started tapping her foot. "Well, are you going to answer me or not?"

'_I think Kami-sama accidentally bleached her brain while bleaching her hair at birth._' Naruto gave a nervous chuckle and said, "Well, I think I'll be able to put it on you if you took off your clothes."

Ino looked startled and exclaimed, "But if I take off my clothes, I'll be naked."

'_Well…duh._' "Yeah you will be. Is there a problem?"

"Of course there's a problem. You'll see me naked."

Scratching his head, Naruto asked, "Why would that be a problem?"

Ino narrowed her eyes at Naruto. "You just want to see me naked. You really don't know any special massage techniques, you pervert." Ino didn't really care if Naruto saw her naked. In fact, she wanted to experiment a skin ship relationship with Naruto; however, she didn't want to give up one of her Points of Power too early in the relationship. For all the guys out there that don't know what the Points of Power is, don't worry, you're not supposed to know. The Points of Power are the different levels and moments in a relationship where a woman has total power. You don't believe me? Well, let's analyze this real quick. It is a universal known fact that guys are supposed to ask the girls out on a date. Girls could do it, but in reality, they want the guys to do it. It's not because it's chivalrous or a very gentleman like thing to do; no, it's to have control over you. If the guy is the one to ask, then the girl would have control over the situation by saying yes or no. A smart and sly woman will always say no first, even if she wants to say yes. It's to keep you in check and gives the decision making to the woman; this is the first of the Points of Power. The first kiss of the relationship is another Point of Power. Even though the guys are the ones to initiate and plan out the first kiss, it's the girl's decision on whether or not to let your stumbling advance of a kiss to finish. They let you start it, but they are the one who dictates the ending. Each step up into a new level in the relationship is _always_ decided by the female. Sure, they say that it's a mutual agreement between both parties, but that's to keep you under her control by feeding your ego. I mean c'mon, what guy doesn't want the next step in the relationship? After all, there is a saying called pussy-whipped; there isn't a saying called cock-whipped. So when Naruto told Ino to take off her clothes, she made sure that she wouldn't let Naruto take another Point of Power away from her. He already made her ask him out for their first date, she gave up their first kiss thinking it was a dream, and she let him take control of a hot make-out session and allow him to have wandering hands, which by the way felt absolutely wonderful. Hence, she crossed her arms and turned her back to Naruto to enforce her decision.

Albeit Naruto was being denied Ino's birthday suit, he didn't give up. Ino turning around proved to be her mistake. It was only one mistake, but it was fatal. With one hand charged with a slight bit of chakra, he began massaging Ino's neck. Ino gasped at the sudden contact and was about to pull away, but Naruto made sure his hand stayed connected to Ino. "Okay, you don't want to get naked, it's fine. But I did promise you a massage. So I'll give you a small one, and if you like it, we could maybe go further." He kept the steady massage for another minute. Ino closed her eyes and couldn't help but relax. Noticing the almost hypnotic state Ino was in, Naruto pushed his advantage. "You know, I could make this feel ten times better if I used both hands. It would also feel great if I massaged your shoulders along with your neck. Just pull down your top and expose your shoulders a little bit, you don't have to get naked." Ino bit her lip. Naruto was right, she wouldn't really be naked, and she had her wrappings on so nothing would be showing. But the problem was if he could make it feel ten times better, she would be in danger of losing another Point of Power. But as Naruto continued, her mind asked her if it would really be a bad thing to do so. When Ino couldn't come up with a good argument, she slowly slid the top part of her dress, skirt, ninja gear, or whatever the hell that purple thing is off her shoulders and down to her waist. Naruto was a little disappointed seeing the bandages, but he continued to persevere. Now using two hands and letting the chakra seep into her shoulders while giving a nice, deep massage, Naruto was delighted to hear small held-back moans of pleasure coming out of Ino's mouth. Once a full blown moan came out, Naruto lowered his head to whisper in Ino's ear. "I could make this feel a hundred times better if you let me give you 'The Works.'"

Ino couldn't believe how wonderful the massage felt. And he said he could make it a _hundred_ times better? '_FUCK!_' She immediately took off all her clothes and lay down on the table. '_Well every girl knows that sex is the most important Point of Power. I'll just make sure he'll sell his soul to me for that._' She mentally gave an excuse for her weakness and let Naruto guide her to another world called pleasure. With a huge smirk that was half triumphant and half perverted, Naruto delivered 'The Works' to the best of his abilities and served his blonde goddess. Throughout the rest of the evening, loud moans and screams of "OH GOD," and "NARUTO, DON'T STOP," and other…phrases…filled the apartment. Ino wouldn't be able to face her neighbors without a red face for a _very_ long time.

**ZYXWVBARKIFYOULIKEBOOBIESA**

Naruto stopped by his apartment to grab his laundry and made his way to the local laundromat. On his way there he met up with Neji who was also carrying a laundry basket. "Oi Neji, you doing your laundry too?"

Neji answered nonchalantly, "Actually, this is Tenten's laundry."

"Dang, Tenten already got you doing laundry? She works fast."

Neji gave a blush and coughed. "She asked for help moving to another apartment. I am just doing my duty of helping my teammate in her time of need."

Naruto nudged Neji with an elbow and said, "And I bet you can't wait to help her when she needs a certain itch scratched. Then you'll definitely be there in her time of need."

Before Neji could retaliate, lightning suddenly streaked across the sky and a downpour of rain drenched the two ninjas. The two immediately began running towards the laundromat. At the same time, Konohamaru panicked since his mizu jutsu backfired and caused a storm by some chance. He too quickly searched for shelter. Naruto and Neji ran through the pouring rain and reached their destination. Walking inside with their baskets, they each picked a washing machine and started loading. While they were loading, Neji found something in Tenten's basket. '_What's this?_' Noticing Neji pause, Naruto looked over to Neji and was about to ask what was wrong until he saw what was in Neji's hand. "Holy freaking cow, is that a DILDO?!?"

Quickly putting the dildo back into the basket, Neji firmly said, "You didn't see that."

Noticing the firm look on his face, Naruto replied with, "See what?" Neji nodded his head and went back to loading the washing machine. Once he finished, he looked over to see if Naruto was done, only to step back in shock. Naruto finished his load as well and was in the process of taking off his clothes. "What are you doing?"

"My clothes are drenched from the rain, and since I'm here, I might as well wash these too. Why don't you do the same? If you don't want to mix your clothes with Tenten's, you can use my machine."

"No, I'm not going to strip in a laundromat. What if someone walks in?"

"No one is going to walk in. It's almost midnight, and if someone does walk in, we can just do henge. So it shouldn't be a big deal." Right after Naruto said that, he covered himself and gave Neji a speculative look. "Unless you're gay."

"I AM NOT GAY!" Neji screamed defensively…..almost too defensively.

"Okay, then it shouldn't be a problem."

Not really sure why he was listening to Naruto, Neji stripped and put his clothes into Naruto's machine. Then they both took a seat and waited for the wash cycle to end. Naruto, being the restless ball of energy that he is, got bored. Taking a quick glance at a meditating Neji, Naruto walked up to Tenten's basket and took out the dildo. With a quiet, "Oroike no Jutsu," Naruto transformed into a naked girl with smoke covering his/her body tastefully. However, where there would have been a blonde girl inside the clouds, there was a brunette, with her hair done in two buns.

Hearing a Naruto mumble some words and seeing a puff of smoke, Neji gasped in shock when he saw Tenten naked and holding a dildo. In a sultry voice, Tenten said, "Oh Neji-kun, I see you found my _little_ Neji-kun. Would you like to play with me, Neji-kun?" Tenten ended the question with a small lick to the dildo.

Neji's eyes popped out and he quickly covered his erection. "Naruto, quit that out. And give me that dildo."

Naruto dropped the henge and started giggling. "Hehehe, you said dildo."

Smoke coming out of Neji's ears and face as red as a tomato, he screamed, "Give me that dildo NOW!"

"I don't want to give you a dildo. I'm straight."

Neji was pissed off. He tried to chase after Naruto and grab the dildo out of his hand, but he wasn't able to catch up since he was trying to cover up his erection. Every time he got close, Naruto would poke Neji with the dildo and stay out of reach. After a few more minutes of the poke-and-run, Neji screamed out in frustration and gave up on hiding his stiffness. Caught by surprise, thinking that Neji wouldn't stop covering his manhood, Neji caught Naruto and pinned him face down on a washing machine. He had a firm arm hold on Naruto so that he couldn't escape and grabbed the dildo out of Naruto's hand. "Naruto, stop messing around or I'm gonna use this and STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

**ABCDENEJISAIDDILDOSTUVWXYZ**

Ino opened her eyes and got up. She stretched her body and let out a breath of complete satisfaction. The massage was out of this world and she practically passed out from an overload of pleasure. Relaxed and refreshed, Ino looked around her room in search of Naruto. Instead, her eyes came upon a note on her desk and she read it.

_To my Hime-sama,_

_I hope you had a good nap. I decided to go do some laundry while I had the time. If you wake up and you have some time to waste, stop by and keep me entertained. I hope you enjoyed 'The Works.' I love you._

_Naruto_

Ino smiled and mouthed the words, "I love you too," when she read the last part of the note. Putting the note down, she quickly got dressed to spend more time with her boyfriend, who had the hands of a god. When she got outside, she noticed it rained briefly and started to walk towards the laundromat.

Ino was walking towards the laundromat and right before she reached the entrance, she saw a panicked Tenten running towards her. "Uh…hi Tenten, what are you doing here so late?"

Seeing Ino, Tenten wondered if she should tell the real reason for her presence. She opened her mouth to lie and say she was her to meet Neji when she was cut off with a loud, "STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

Both girls were startled and rushed through the door to see what was going on. But to the girls' dismay, what they saw was completely unexpected. The first thing Tenten saw was a naked Neji holding a dildo in one hand and holding a naked Naruto down on a washing machine with the other. As Tenten looked down, she noticed a very firm body part pointed towards Naruto.

With a deer-caught-in-the-headlights look, a stunned Neji was petrified with shock. Naruto who saw a golden opportunity shouted out, "INO…..YOU GOTTA HELP ME. NEJI'S TRYING TO RAPE ME!"

Ino widened her eyes even more as Naruto explained what was going on. Tenten, who was already horrified, asked in a frantic whisper. "You're GAY?!?!" Ino narrowed her eyes at Neji and said, "Hyuuga, you have three seconds to step away from Naruto, or you will be a victim of my Bloodline Ender Jutsu."

Neji let go of Naruto and tried to stumble out an explanation. "But…but…it's not what you think."

Not giving Neji a chance to explain things, Naruto ranted out, "He attacked me while I was loading the machine and managed to close off some of my tenketsu. Then he stripped me naked and said he was gonna butt fuck me while he sticks that dildo up his own ass!" Naruto crawled over to Ino and continued with his crocodile tears. "I was so scared Ino. He was gonna rape me!"

Ino, who went into protective mode, knelt down and swept Naruto into her arms and started stroking Naruto's head. "There, there, Naruto, it's okay now. He can't hurt you anymore. Shhh." Naruto had his head on Ino's chest and comfortably continued his fake trauma. "Don't cry, Naruto. You're safe now."

While Ino was comforting an overacting Naruto, Tenten confronted Neji. "You told me you were straight when I asked you about your sexuality. Why did you lie to me?"

Neji stammered out, "B-b-but I d-didn't lie. I am straight."

Pointing down at his stiff member, Tenten exclaimed, "Then how come you had Naruto bent over with that erection pointing at his ass, and how come it started dying when you saw me and Ino?!?!"

Neji is fucked. How is anyone supposed to answer that question?

Tenten didn't let up on her tirade. "I always knew you had a stick up your ass with that high and mighty Hyuuga attitude, but I didn't know you actually liked having a stick UP YOUR ASS!" She started crying as Neji looked on helplessly. "Is this why you never asked me out or respond to my advances? You were probably looking at Gai-sensei or Lee more than you were looking at me you GAY HOMO!"

Neji started crying as well and he pulled his hair out of frustration and screamed out, "I'M NOT GAY!"

**ZYXWLANCEBASSISGAYHGFEDCBA**

The next day, the Rookie Nine gang minus Naruto and Team Gai joined up to eat lunch together. The guys asked Ino where Naruto was. "Oh, he will be here in a little bit. He's a bit shaken up since he got assaulted last night."

Sakura gasped out in surprise, "Naruto was attacked? Is he alright?"

Neji said, "I did not assault him or attack him."

Hinata looked at Neji and asked, "You assaulted him? Why did you assault Naruto-kun? You didn't hurt him too bad, did you Neji-niisan?"

"He assaulted Naruto because he's gay," Tenten said with some vindication.

All the guys took a quick step away from Neji when they heard Tenten accuse Neji of being a homosexual. In a tentative voice, Kiba said, "Whoa dude, you're gay? I didn't know that you're gay, not that there's anything wrong with being gay," Kiba said untruthfully.

"I AM NOT GAY!" said the ninja with an ambiguous sexuality.

"Geez, you don't have to be so defensive. It's alright if your gay, I got lots of gay friends," said a lying Shikamaru.

Neji's growing anger grew even more as he said, "I AM NOT GAY! I didn't rape Naruto last night and I don't enjoy having a cock up my ass."

Ino took this moment to say, "Neji didn't rape Naruto last night." All the guys took a slow step closer to Neji and resumed their original position from before. "Me and Tenten stopped him before he could while he was about to put a dildo up his own ass." All the guys _immediately_ took three steps away from Neji and gave wary glances at the ninja accused of being homosexual.

Neji gritted his teeth and thought, '_I'm gonna KILL Naruto._'

**Author's Note: I don't hate Neji. He was just a convenient target for me. And I don't hate gay people; I just think they should die. I'll allow lesbians to live, as long as they're hot, but I don't want to see guys locking lips. By the way, I'm just kidding about the whole gay stuff if you're offended. If you're not offended, I wasn't kidding and you guys rock. BTW, writing sux ass. I have everything already planned out and all I have to do is write it, but I just end up staring at the screen and having the blinking cursor hypnotize me into whatever the hell a blinking cursor wants me to be. So weird, kinda wished I had a voice recognition notepad or something. So, the easy thing to do now would be just quit this story, even though I already have the rest of the story finished in my head. Sound like a good idea?**


	9. Chapter 9

**I don't own Naruto**

"Ohayo Naruto, I figured I would find you here." Tsunade walked into the ramen booth to find Naruto and greeted him. Sitting down and ordering herself a bowl of ramen, Tsunade situated herself and started a conversation. "How are you this morning?"

In the middle of slurping some ramen, Naruto answered after swallowing his food. "Not bad...could be better if you bought me some more ramen." When Tsunade gave a clear facial expression showing that the possibility of her buying him more ramen didn't exist, he sheepishly grinned. "So, what brings you here? You're not much of a ramen lover, so I'm guessing this isn't a social breakfast."

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I'm here to assign you a top-class mission."

Naruto nodded his head. "Okay, do I need to assassinate or protect someone? Or maybe I need to go steal some kind of scroll?"

"This is a top-priority mission; the completion of this mission is very important to Konoha. So I can't brief you about it here, just meet me at the Hokage Tower a couple of hours after noon."

"Okay, no problem." After Naruto agreed to meet at the designated time, he went back to his ramen and began happily slurping down the noodles with audible sighs of joy. After a few gulps, he noticed that the blonde gambleholic was still sitting there. "Is there anything else you need?"

"Well, I was just wondering, have you seen Jiraiya around lately?"

Shaking his head, Naruto said, "No, not really. The last I saw him was after the Chuunin Exam. He helped me with some girl problems and then I haven't seen him since."

"He helped you with some girl problems?" Tsunade burst with laughter. "I don't know why you asked for his help. It seems you're doing fine on your own, and I don't think Jiraiya could help you with anything that involves females besides learning how to peek on them from any angle."

Naruto shook his head, "That's not true. Before I went on that three year excursion, none of the girls gave me the time of day. And the one girl I wanted to be with more than anything barely tolerated my existence. It wasn't until during the training trip where he taught me all sorts of stuff that girls started flocking towards me. I was kinda surprised that he knew so much as well."

She couldn't believe what he was saying. He was talking about Jiraiya, the super pervert. She shook her head back to Naruto and said, "No, you have to be wrong. I've known Jiraiya for all my life, and I haven't seen him date a single girl. Every girl that I have seen him in contact with either shouted out pervert or accepted money from him at the brothels. I think you're a natural kid, Ino seems very smitten with you."

Naruto scratched his head and thought about it for a second. "Are you sure? If I was a natural, wouldn't I have gotten Sakura-chan a lot earlier?" Shaking his head, Naruto continued. "No, I think you're wrong this time baa-chan. Ero-Sennin really is good with women. He can charm them with ease. Just because you don't see him succeeding with the opposite sex, doesn't mean he can't get them. After all, when I liked Sakura-chan I didn't notice any other girls. And now that I'm with Ino-chan, I don't even consider other girls."

"Huh? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with Jiraiya?"

"Well, the reason why Jiraiya doesn't have anyone is because he doesn't want anyone right now."

Tsunade stared at Naruto for a bit before laughing out loud. "BWA-HAHHAHAHA!!!! Yeah right Jiraiya doesn't want anyone right now. If he could, he would try to get into the skirts of every woman in this village."

Naruto huffed and said, "No, he really doesn't want anybody right now, except for maybe one. I guess he really is in love if he hasn't gotten with anyone else." Naruto spoke with a serious face which caused Tsunade to re-evaluate her opinions. Tsunade then registered what Naruto said at the end. "Wait, did you say Jiraiya is in love?"

Naruto nodded his head. "Yeah, he is in love with someone. In fact, I think he's been in love with her for nearly half a century, at least that's what he told me."

'_For nearly fifty years?_' "Well then, if he really loved her for that long, it seems that Jiraiya isn't as good as you think he is with women. After all, he couldn't get her in that long of a period." '_But that's weird, I've known him for nearly that long and I haven't noticed him even once pining for a girl, at least in a romantic way._'

"No, he hasn't really tried to get with her, and he still doesn't try. From what he told me, the girl he liked was in love with someone else, and she was very happy being with that other man. So Ero-Sennin said that her happiness was more important than his. Sounds really sappy and completely unlike him, but I believe him and it seems to be true every way I look at it. I can't even count how many times I've caught Ero-Sennin with a far-off look daydreaming about his dream girl."

"I still have a hard time believing that. And I'm still having a hard time believing that a pervert like him could be good with women."

"Well that's because he wants women to think that. After all, if he was himself, he would have a hell of a time avoiding woman. For a genius, Sasuke never figured out how to do that." When Tsunade gave a blank stare, Naruto gave an exasperated sigh and explained it to her. "Look, for an example, let's consider Kakashi-sensei. I know you've heard all the rumors about how drop dead gorgeous he is without his mask. He's a successful ninja with a very famous reputation and he doesn't answer to nobody except for you and Ero-Sennin. Am I right?" The female blonde nodded her head. "Okay, he's hot, rich, and famous. Why does he not have all the single females of Konoha after him?"

Tsunade opened her mouth to say, "cause he's a pervert, always walking around reading that perverted book authored by the most perverted person in the world," when she realized what Naruto was trying to point out. "Are you saying that Kakashi isn't a pervert and reads porn in public so that all the girls would avoid him?"

"See how that makes perfect sense. And just like Kakashi, Ero-Sennin isn't ugly and has a huge bank account. He's considered one of the greatest heroes of Konoha and he doesn't answer to anybody, even you. Sure, he does the things you tell him to do, but do you really think you can force Ero-Sennin to do something he didn't want to do?" Naruto took a moment for all the information to sink in. "Of course, Kakashi-sensei really does enjoy reading that stuff, just like Jiraiya really is a pervert, but despite these supposedly flaws that they possess, both he and Ero-Sennin are top ninjas of Konoha."

Tsunade took a moment to sit back and think about the revelation that was dumped on her lap. What Naruto said made sense and there wasn't any flaws to his reasoning. While she was contemplating the entire situation, Naruto quietly drank the rest of the soup in his bowl. Right as he finished off all the contents in his bowl, Tsunade asked a question. "Do you know who the woman is?" Naruto looked at her and quirked an eyebrow. Tsunade clarified her question, "Who is the woman that Jiraiya loves?"

Giving off his classic fox-smile, he responded with, "He's never actually told me who the woman is." Tsunade stared at Naruto. He continued to give that mischievous smile of his and he irked her ire. Tsunade asked again, "But you know who she is."

Shrugging his shoulders, he simply said, "One of the lessons I learned from Ero-Sennin was the value of secrecy. Whether or not he told me who the woman is and whether or not I know who she is, he trusts me with his secret. After all, if he didn't care about it, wouldn't you already know who she is?" He jumped off of his stool and began to exit out of the ramen booth. "There isn't much you can do to make me talk, so why don't you ask him yourself?"

Before he could exit out of the booth, Tsunade smirked and offered a bribe that she knew he couldn't resist. "How about I offer you for a week an unlimited supply of ramen?" Naruto froze midway out of his exit. "Hmm, I'll even make that Ichiraku ramen too." Naruto's body began twitching when he heard that. "So what do you say, Naruto-kun?"

'_I must be strong, I can't give in. Why do all the sannin use ramen against me? Is it that exploitable of a weakness?_' Naruto slowly turned around to face Tsunade. He opened his mouth to say he refuses, but nothing came out. It was as if his body betrayed him. Seeing how hard Naruto was trying to fight temptation but sensing his weakness, Tsunade pushed. "It seems like I didn't offer enough. How about a two week's worth of unlimited Ichiraku ramen?" Tsunade said seductively.

Eyes widening, Naruto fought back the best he could. He got on his knees and started banging his forehead repeatedly into the ground. "I CAN'T! I CAN'T! PLEASE, STOP TEMPTING ME. PLEASE DON'T LET ME BETRAY ERO-SENNIN!"

"Tch." A little frustrated that Naruto was doing so well of staving off her attempts, she pushed harder. "Okay, two weeks isn't enough. I'll make it a month."

At that, Naruto screamed like a banshee and ran out of the booth screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOO," while waterfalls fell from his eyes.

**ABCANUBELIEVEHESAIDNO?WXYZ**

Neji was royally pissed off. At the moment, anger was an understatement. While he was walking with his teammates to go eat breakfast, his team met up with most of the Rookie Nine gang by chance. When the two groups joined up, all the males in the group would face him while they walked; meaning some were walking sideways and the ones in front of Neji were walking backwards. The only one that walked normally was Shino, and when Chouji asked him why he was walking like that, Shino merely said, "I have concentrated all of my bugs to that area." In fact, all of the guys didn't bother hiding the fact of what they were doing. What was worse was that while they were walking, all the men that Neji passed by would pivot their body so that their ass would be facing away from Neji. After a few minutes of this, Neji screamed out, "I'M NOT GAY!" Shikamaru would merely say, "Riiiiiight," while Kiba lied and said, "It's okay if you're gay buddy. I got lots of friends that are gay."

Unable to withstand the cruel treatment, he was about to pull on his hair out of frustration when he noticed Naruto coming out of a booth. Eyes burning with flame, he shouted out, "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! BECAUSE OF YOU, I'VE SEEN HELL. PREPARE TO DIE RANMA……err……NARUTO!" Then, an umbrella that weighed more than a car materialized into Neji's hand as he began to chase after Naruto. However, after about five steps, Neji somehow found himself on a deserted road. Looking at the surrounding around him, he noticed that everyone disappeared. "WHERE THE HELL AM I?"

"You're on the road of life." Neji quickly turned around to see Kakashi reading a book. "Hello Neji-kun, I noticed that you've gotten lost on the road of life."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

Kakashi pointed at the road that intersected with the road that they were on. "Well, that road over there is Wilshire Boulevard," he then pointed at the road that they were standing on, "and the road we're standing on is called Life." Sure enough, at the crossroad, there was a sign that showed the names of the street.

"Where exactly are we?"

"I don't know, that's why we're lost."

"So all those stories that Naruto and Sakura told, about you being late all the time and giving the excuse of being lost on the road of life, you really were lost on the road of life?"

Kakashi grinned and his eyes turned into black rainbows. "Yup!"

Too stunned at the absurdity of the situation, all Neji could do was ask, "So how long will we be stuck here?"

"Wow, you're taking this very well. As long as we're doing something, like walking, we'll somehow transport ourselves to wherever we need to be after a few hours. Of course, the side-effect of this is that no one will believe you and everyone will call you a liar." After Kakashi said that, he put his away his book and addressed Neji again. "Since we'll be stuck here for awhile, how bout we train for a little bit and do some light sparring?"

Before Neji could give an answer, someone tapped him on his shoulders. Turning around, he faced a young man in a dirty yellow shirt with a tiger striped bandanna on his forehead. "Hello, I'm a little lost. Could you tell me if this is Nerima, and if it is, could you point me in the direction of the Tendo dojo?" Still in his shocked state, Neji didn't respond right away and before he could come up with something to say, Kakashi replied to the Eternal Lost Boy. "Ryouga-kun, it's been awhile. It's nice seeing you again."

The Jusenkyo-cursed pig-boy blinked. Then, recognition flashed across his face. "Oh, hello Kakashi-san. It's been a long time since we last met. I didn't recognize you without that book. I guess since you're here, I'm lost on the road of life again?" Putting one hand behind his head, Ryouga gave a sheepish grin.

Kakashi returned the grin with one of his own. "Yes you are, but we have someone new that has joined us. This is Hyuuga Neji. Neji, this is Hibiki Ryouga."

Ryouga bowed down as he said, "It's nice to meet you Hyuuga-san." Working on auto-pilot, Neji returned the greeting.

Smiling happily, Kakashi said, "Me and Neji-kun were about to have a friendly spar. Care to join in?" Ryouga cheerfully agreed and put his pack down. All Neji could think was, '_This is somehow all Naruto's fault._'

**ZYXWG1PARK4PRESIDENTFEDBCA**

Naruto reached the Hokage Tower and walked into Tsunade's office to see Tsunade sitting at her desk and Shikamaru standing in front of her. Tsunade, seeing Naruto arrive, said, "Good, you're finally here." Naruto approached the desk. Tsunade began briefing Naruto on his mission. "There is a hostile group organized inside Konoha that needs to be terminated." She handed Naruto a folder. "Inside that folder is the details of the mission and the organization called BIATCH. I just received word that BIATCH is on the move today. I want you and Shikamaru to intercept the group and dispatch that group in any fashion you deem fit. Do you understand your mission?"

Both Naruto and Shikamaru saluted the Hokage and said, "HAI!" After receiving their orders, the two nins rushed out of the office. Once outside, Shikamaru said to Naruto, "It's a good thing you're here. I'm going to need your assistance with the issues of BIATCH."

Naruto nodded his head. "No problem. Let's take care of this fast."

Shikamaru led the two nins toward an abandoned warehouse. Inside, they found a large organized group of men. Naruto began to sneak around the building and looked to Shikamaru and see what orders he would give. But to Naruto's surprise, Shikamaru plainly walked inside. Not sure what to do, Naruto jumped beside Shikamaru. Shikamaru cleared his voice and addressed the crowd. "Fellow BIATCHes, I'm honored to be the one to introduce to you our hero. Even though I organized this group, the true leader of this group, the Godfather of BIATCH, is the one and only Uzumaki Naruto." Shikamaru gestured to Naruto and gave him an index card with some lines written on it. Shikamaru then whispered, "Read these lines to them."

Too shocked at finding out that the lazy cloud-watcher was the leader of BIATCH, Naruto took the card and read what was on it. "Today, my fellow BIATCHes, is the day we declare freedom from oppression. Too long have we toiled under the constant badgering woman subject us to. Too long have we took all blame in a situation. Too long have we submitted ourselves as slaves to women. But no more I say. Today, I, Uzumaki Naruto, will proudly lead you and deliver you from evil. Follow me to war, and fight for YOUR INDEPENDENCE!"

The crowd cheered at Naruto's speech and picked him up, carrying him to the first female group they could find. They reached a bridge and saw a group of girls on the other side. Ino, Sakura, and Tenten were part of the group of girls. '_Oh fuck, if Ino sees me, I'll be screwed._' But with no escape, Naruto ended up confronting the girls.

Seeing Naruto with a large group of guys, Ino blinked in surprise and asked, "Naruto, what are you doing here? And who are all the people dressed in black behind you?"

Every member of BIATCH was dressed in black and had black masks covering their face and identity. After all, they didn't want girls to recognize who they were should they lose the war. After Ino asked the question, every member yelled out in unison, "WE ARE BROTHERS INCORPORATED AGAINST TOTALITARIAN AND CONNIVING HARLOTS. WE ARE BIATCHES FOR LIFE!"

It got quiet and Ino asked in a strained voice, "And what exactly are you planning to do here?"

"WE ARE HERE TO FREE MAN FROM WOMAN'S OPPRESSION!" members of BIATCH yelled in unison again. After they finished their statement, silence returned.

Ino's eye twitched. "And what exactly are you doing here with them, Naruto?"

The mob answered for Naruto. "HE IS OUR HERO. HE IS OUR ICON. HE WILL BE THE ONE TO DELIVER US FROM YOUR EVIL CLUTCHES!" Naruto was really, really, and I mean really starting to hate being here. Shikamaru, who was also disguised, nudged Naruto and whispered, "Read your lines."

Looking at the card, Naruto read the card without thinking, "I'm here to tell you that we will no longer…."

A peeved Ino by this point just cut off Naruto and yelled out her body-control jutsu and took control over Naruto's body. "Naruto, I'm only gonna warn you once. Quit all this nonsense, or I'll make your body attack itself in between your legs."

Naruto immediately stopped reading. Seeing his hesitation, Shikamaru said, "Naruto, don't listen to her. Just keep reading. You have a duty to men everywhere to win this war. DON'T LET HER WIN!"

Taking a big gulp, Naruto quietly finished the line, "We will no longer submit ourselves to you ugly bitches." The girls on the other side gasped in indignation while the men cheered after Naruto was done reading.

Ino was livid. "You had your chance." She then sent a mental command to make Naruto punch his own crotch. But right before the punch could connect, Naruto's fist came to a halt. '_What happened?_' Ino tried to send the command again but was shocked to see some sort of mental block. '_His brain has some kind of block that won't let him injure himself there. I've never seen anything like this before._'

A sweating Naruto noticed a lack of pain. Looking down, he saw that his fist didn't connect. Noticing Ino struggling with her jutsu, Naruto grinned and said, "My body won't let me hit myself there, huh? You can't do anything about it, can you?" Feeling a boost of confidence, Naruto continued, "Well let me tell you now that we men are tired of your bullshit logic."

The crowd cheered. "YEAH!"

"We're also tired of you girls nagging us to death over trivial things like shopping."

"YEAH!" The crowd cheered again.

"And I'm tired of your stupid comments about how I dress. I'm the man and I'll wear whatever color I WANT!" The crowd cheered again. Naruto would comment about something and the crowd would cheer after each insult or comment.

Naruto was on a roll. He was so caught up in the moment that he began to say things without thinking. "And your cooking is so bad, it tastes like ASS!" The girls immediately took a step away from Ino and the men suddenly fell silent. It was totally quiet and Naruto wondered to himself if he said too much. '_Maybe I shouldn't have said that._'

A small murmur flowed through the crowd of BIATCHes. "I can't believe he said that. He isn't a man. He's a _God_." Another guy said, "We aren't worthy to be in his presence." The man who said that fell to his knees with everyone else quickly following.

Never, and I mean never insult a woman's cooking. I don't care if it tastes like nuclear waste products, it's the equivalent of a female insulting a man on the size of his package. It cuts deep; there is no joking about that subject. The only difference between the two insults is that when you insult the size of a man's equipment, the guy will try to defend himself with words. A woman on the other hand gets violent. Physical actions hurt more than words. That saying about "sticks and stones will break my bone, but words will never hurt me," is very true. Pain is much harder to ignore or brush off than words.

A vein throbbed on Ino's forehead. '_Did he say my cooking TASTES LIKE ASS. OH NO HE DIDN'T_' Naruto noticed Ino looking around and place her gaze on the bridge railing. "Ino, look, I really didn't mean those things I said." When Ino didn't respond, Naruto asked, "Ino, what are you thinking?"

She issued mental commands to Naruto and he walked towards the railing. Ino then snarled and gathered up all her chakra. Seeing the angry haze surrounding her and having a bad feeling about why she made him walk towards the railing, Naruto tried to plead with Ino again, "Look Ino, I'm sorry. It was peer pressure, they made me say those things. Let's talk about this." Naruto began frantically panicking as Ino made Naruto crouch. "Ino, I love you, don't do anything rash. Let's talk about this, please."

Gathering all the chakra she could so that it would override any mental block Naruto's brain had, she just said quietly, "DIE!" She then made Naruto jump thirty feet up in the air. Once he reached the zenith of his flight, she made him spread his legs. Naruto, who was now screaming his pleas, began crying at the pain that was about to wrack his body. "FOR THE LOVE OF KAMI, INO, PLEASE HAVE MERCY! HAVE MERCY!!!!"

But it was to no avail as Naruto crashed into the bridge railing crotch first. Those weak of heart fainted within the group of BIATCHes. Some let waste products exit out of their ass. Naruto himself was unmoving, his face ashen with disbelief. With a 'HHMMPHH' Ino turned around and walked away with the girls in tow.

One of the BIATCHes stood up and asked, "Is he dead?" The said member walked towards the unmoving Naruto and poked him. With a cloud of smoke, Naruto poofed away and left a log. Shikamaru stood up and wiped his brow. "Kawarimi no Jutsu was a success. I barely replaced the real Naruto before impact."

A stunned Naruto, who was holding his crotch, stood up once he heard Shikamaru finish. Grabbing Shikamaru and holding him up, Naruto said, "Give me a good reason why I shouldn't kill you now."

Shikamaru planned this entire scenario out, so he had no problem diffusing the situation. "You better run off and find Ino if you want to patch things up and not have her mad at you."

Growling at Shikamaru, Naruto decided to follow Shikamaru's advice. But not before he threatened the shadow user. "I'm gonna go find Ino-chan. By the time I'm done with her, you better be a missing nin. Cuz if I get my hands on you, I'll drag you to Temari, tell her what you did here, and personally hold your legs apart while Temari practices Ino's Bloodline Ender no Jutsu with her fan." Dropping the lazy genius, Naruto turned around and searched for Ino.

**ABCDEFSCENEBREAKQRSTUVWXYZ**

Ino was sitting in a restaurant, surrounded by all her friends. She was crying her eyes out while all the girls tried to console her. "I thought he loved me. I can't believe he said all those things. Does he not love me anymore?" The girls would randomly say, "that jerk, I can't believe that," and "you deserve better honey, Naruto is just an idiot." However, even with all the comments and cheerful smiles the girls gave Ino, she continued to lament about what happened earlier.

Naruto was frantically searching when he came upon some loud crying. Looking inside the restaurant he nearly passed, he overheard his girlfriend bawling her eyes out. He was happy that he finally found her, but was unsure of what to do next. Taking a moment to devise a plan, he sat in the alleyway next to the restaurant. '_How do I handle this? I can't just say sorry bout what I said and I can't just say it was peer pressure. What the hell do I do?!?!?_' After a few more minutes of brainstorming, Naruto stood up and went with the number one solution all males do in a tight situation like this: lie his ass off.

Naruto ran into the restaurant and looked to Ino. "Ino, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" He moved towards Ino, only to have all the girls stand in his way. "What are you girls doing? Let me get to Ino."

"Not after what you did to her, you jerk," Tenten rebuked.

Giving a completely confused look, Naruto said, "Huh?"

"Don't give us that look. I can't believe you have the nerve to show up after all the horrible things you said to Ino."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Why the hell would I say anything bad to Ino?" Turning his gaze to Ino, he pressed on. "Please, Ino, tell me what's wrong."

Ino took her turn to speak, "But when we saw you earlier, you were with that group and said all those mean things to me." Ino then remembered something from the incident. "Wait a sec, how come you're not hurt?" All the girls were a little startled about that. Surely no man could recover that quickly from that attack. Yes girls, no man could recover from that; in fact, no man could survive that.

"You're confusing me. I don't know that happened; all I know is that I was walking by, on my way to eat some ramen, when I heard you crying. I haven't been attacked and I would never say anything mean to you."

"So you're saying you're not the leader of BIATCH?" Ino asked hopefully.

"Oh my goodness, you ran into BIATCH? Look, that group is some kind of crazy cult made up of delusional men who think they are in some kind of war with females. And for some stupid reason, they think I'm their icon or mascot or some crazy shit like that. They've been bothering me to join them for some time now. Whoever you saw there, it wasn't me. Someone must've used henge to impersonate me."

Ino took a small step towards Naruto. "Really? So you don't think I'm some fat and ugly bitch?"

'_What the…I never called her fat._' "NO! You're beautiful and a wonderful person. I love you."

"And you don't think my cooking tastes bad?"

"Of course not, honey. I love your cooking too." Ino believed Naruto with all her heart. However the rest of the girls were a little skeptical of Naruto even though they couldn't detect any dishonest feelings from him. Naruto is a ninja, and ninja's always have control over their emotions. Giving a monumental lie like this in face of adversity is child's play to Naruto. Naruto has spent all his years erecting a false mask and lying about his feelings. One could say that Naruto was an expert liar, one reason why he's so good at gambling. With an unmatched poker face and the ability to bluff with perfection, other gamblers didn't stand a chance against this natural liar.

"And you don't think I'm a bossy and overbearing girlfriend?"

"Err…yeah…uh…err…yeah…you're not bossy and overbearing." Naruto stumbled his words out. The girls knew he was lying then, but they just nodded their head in understanding. There were some things you just couldn't lie about.

Ino rushed into Naruto's arms and renewed her sobs, only this time the tears that fell were tears of joy and relief. "I thought you hated me. I thought you really thought those things about me. I'm so glad you don't think those things about me. I love you too Naruto."

"Of course I don't think those things about you. You are beautiful and not an ugly bitch, and have you ever seen me turn down your food? Of course not, and even if it wasn't the best tasting food in the world, I would still eat all of it because it was made by your hands. And if I ever do say those things, I do deserve what you did to that fake Naruto at the bridge." Naruto said all this to Ino, trying to comfort her, while at the same time, feeling glad that his lie didn't blow up in his face. Unfortunately for Naruto, he said a few words too many.

"I never said anything about what happened at the bridge. In fact, I didn't even say anything about a bridge. How did you know we were at the bridge?" Ino looked at Naruto with a little skepticism in her face.

Thinking quickly, Naruto changed the subject. "Nevermind that. You had a bad day, how bout I give you 'The Works' to make it up to you?" Ino's eyes widened into large, round, shimmering circles that started to sparkle. "The Works?" Ino asked with awe. Naruto leaned into Ino and whispered into her ears so that she would be the only one to hear. "Yeah, and I'll even add a happy ending to 'The Works.'" Ino's first attempt at a Jounin level teleportation technique was successful as she whisked both herself and Naruto to her apartment and quickly got undressed.

Naruto blinked, and blinked again. He could have sworn he was at some restaurant half a second ago. Looking down to his right, Naruto saw Ino already naked and on the massage table, waiting for her massage. '_She did that teleportation technique better than what I could do. Heck, it was faster than my Hiraishin jutsu as well._' "Naruto, hurry up, I'm waiting." Shrugging his shoulders, Naruto rolled up his sleeves and prepared to give 'The Works' to his girlfriend. He had priorities to keep and giving a full-body massage to a naked Ino took precedence over how Ino teleported both him and her instantly from one place to another place that was nearly two miles away.

Both Naruto and Ino didn't step outside that apartment for the rest of the day and the next day………and the next day after that.

**Author's Note: Sorry for the late update, been busy. Thanks for all the reviews; I had a few people comment about how I seem to know so much about women and how they view men. Let me tell you the truth, I don't know shit. I only know what all men know and that is that we don't understand women. So what I write in this story is just observation and logical reasoning (in other words, really good guessing). Men don't understand women and women think they understand men but they don't. The reason for this is that men's logic and women's logic are completely different. Like for example, I was at the mall the other day and was purchasing warmer clothing for the upcoming winter. It got pretty cold here where I'm at, so I bought some sweaters. As I was buying the stuff, the cash register lady said to me, "By the way, we have this promotion going on that the more you spend the more you save." Now, in my head, this makes NO SENSE AT ALL. Spending more to save is an oxymoron. I'm guessing that there is some way that this does make sense, but it only makes sense to women, and a few men……**_**maybe.**_** To me, on the other hand, it makes no sense at all. But the girl working was pretty cute and I know that the department makes all the workers say some crazy shit, so instead of making a smart comment, I just said, "No, that's okay. I'm on a tight budget and I need to save money." Then, the girl looks at me like I'm stupid and says, "But you'll save more if you spend some more. Buy another sweater and you can save a ton." Okay. Riiiiiight. Please tell me I'm not the insane one and that I don't need to check myself into a clinic. I just stood there and stared at her like she was crazy. I was in so much shock, that I probably stared at her for awhile, because she gets this annoyed look on her face and she lifts her left hand at me. So now I'm even more confused and I stare at her hand. Thinking that I'm an idiot, she then points at the ring on her finger and tells me, "I'm sorry sir, but I already have a fiancé." You could have shot me in the leg, and I probably wouldn't have noticed. She wasn't even a blonde and she was staying stuff like this. Anyways, thanks for reading, and keep reviewing people. Peaceout.**

**P.S. I don't have a negative view on blondes. Just like Neji, blondes are a convenient target. Please do not be insulted if you are blonde. I do not believe in all the stereotypes about blondes. In fact, I have a very positive view about blondes. I would much rather sleep with a blonde than a brunette.**


	10. Chapter 10

**I don't own Naruto**

Ino glowed as she walked the streets of Konoha. With a big silly grin, she walked on autopilot to the place where she agreed to meet her team. Both her teammates greeted her as she approached, and though curious to her mood, they kept quiet. After all, if the mood-deficient schizophrenic (AKA: WOMAN) was in a good mood, no need to risk screwing it up. Then, Team Shikamaru began their journey to the rendezvous for their next mission. The mission was to escort the Kazekage around town during his stay. However, even though this mission was fairly simple, for some reason, a group of five nins were assigned to the mission. Ino's team and Naruto's team were the teams assigned. Shikamaru sighed and logically guessed that it was Gaara's request to have Naruto's team assigned to the mission and that Temari requested Shikamaru's team.

The two teams met at the Konoha main gates to welcome the Kazekage's envoy and the Kazekage himself. Being the hyperactive energizer bunny that he is, Naruto yelled out a boisterous greeting while Gaara merely nodded his acknowledgement. Temari gave a kiss on Shikamaru's cheek and smiled at the energetic blonde. Gaara and his sister had two more sand ninjas accompanying them and they gave a deep respectful bow to Naruto while completely ignoring the other Konoha ninjas. Chouji, Ino, and Sakura gave a look of confusion while the rest of the crew merely ignored it.

Shikamaru started off with the formal welcoming. "Kazekage-sama, on behalf of Konoha, we welcome you to our village. If there is anything you need or desire, simply tell us what you would like and we will endeavor to appease your requests."

"Thank you for your hospitality, me and my sister greatly appreciate Konoha's gracious gestures."

Not one to tolerate all the formality, Naruto decided to add in his own informal greeting. "Alright, now that all that boring junk is out of the way, it's time TO PARTY!"

All the Konoha ninjas decided to make a group effort of bonking the blonde demon-carrier on the head. Ever ready to verbally abuse her teammate, Sakura said, "BAKA, that is **not **how you address a Kage."

A calm, deep, and quiet voice spoke, "It is alright Haruno Sakura. We are all friends here and you, being his precious woman, should know the best that Naruto is not one for treating friends and comrades as strangers." After the Kazekage spoke, a silence descended upon the crowd as Ino's face turned stern while Sakura looked down and away from everyone.

"Excuse me for interrupting Kazekage-sama, but I must inform you that Naruto no longer dotes upon his teammate. My name is Yamanaka Ino, and _**I**_ am his girlfriend."

Completely surprised, Gaara quirked a nonexistent eyebrow and gave a questioning glance at Sakura. The pink-haired medic-nin merely nodded her head in the affirmative at the unasked question. Ever since the two declared their relationship, Sakura has been having a hard time finding her new role with Ino and Naruto. After Naruto came back from his training trip, the atmosphere between her and Naruto changed. While she still announced to everyone that she was going to bring back Sasuke and still held some affection for him, she no longer saw Sasuke in her future life. The three plus years since his betrayal, Sakura did something that no one in her profession could escape: she grew up. As she matured the past few years, she realized that while she would love to claim that she and Sasuke would be together forever, she imagined herself marrying her blonde teammate. She may have not loved him as much as Ino and Naruto seemed to love each other, but she knew she could easily fall for him should she choose to do so. The comfort level between her and Naruto was something that not even her parents shared with her. So even though she tried her best to avoid Naruto and Ino, she couldn't help herself but to always draw near her blonde friends. In fact, every time she was alone with Naruto, she secretly expected him to shout out how he still loved her and that he would gladly leave Ino for her. But reality was harsh and she would see it upfront every moment Ino would find Naruto, rush into his arms, and share a loving kiss with Naruto.

Gaara took a moment to himself as the group began some small talk. He observed Sakura's far-off expression and wondered how the two blondes managed to be together. About a year ago, he visited Konoha on a whim to see if Naruto was up for a friendly spar, only to be disappointed. The pink-haired nin before him informed that he was off on a mission and would return a week later. He never had a chance to speak with Sakura, so he took this chance to apologize for his past actions. When Sakura looked confused, Gaara reminded her of the Sand-Sound Invasion where he had nearly killed her with his sand. Brushing off his apology, Sakura said that all things turned out well and there was no need to remember things that were long forgotten. Nodding his head and accepting her forgiveness, he merely stated that she was right and that even had he tried to truly kill her, Naruto would have stopped him regardless. With the mention of Naruto's name, Sakura's face softened and smiled lightly. Noticing the warm look on her face, Gaara questioned if Naruto finally succeeded in capturing her heart. Sakura laughed and waved a denial at Gaara and claimed that they were just friends. Gaara countered the denial stating that Uzumaki Naruto would never give up until she finally accepted him as her beloved. Agreeing with the Kazekage, she said she was just waiting to deal with the excess baggage, which was mainly Sasuke, before finally accepting Naruto. So the fact that Gaara was completely confused about the current events shouldn't be a surprise, but he filed away all the information and decided to just watch what would happen in the future.

As everyone made their way towards the Hokage Tower, Naruto started a conversation with his red-haired friend. "Soooooo, Gaara, what are your plans today?"

"I have an important meeting with the Hokage that I must attend."

"Aw, do you have to attend? It can't be that important, can it?"

"Yes it is, it is for the benefit of both our villages and there is nothing that can make me miss it."

"C'mon, there's gotta be something better to do than go to that meeting, just skip it." By now, the entire group was shell-shocked at Naruto's words. Ino tried to keep her boyfriend in line, but Naruto ignored it.

Gaara sighed at Naruto's antics and just said, "It is imperative that I go to this meeting. So I would greatly appreciate it if you would just be patient and wait for the meeting to be over. After all, there is nothing you can say or do that will make me voluntarily miss this meeting." Gaara walked off, but since he had his back turned to Naruto, he couldn't see Naruto smirking.

Using a sly tone of voice, Naruto drawled out an innocent statement. "Well, that's too bad then. Cause, there is this open field twenty kilometers south of here that used to be a battlefield, and we could spar each other without worrying bout changing the landscaping." Gaara's _other_ nonexistent eyebrow twitched. Noticing Gaara's pause, Naruto pressed his advantage, "It's been awhile since we both went all out. Too bad you have to go to that boring meeting that you could always have some other time. Oh well, have fun at the meeting. I might as well go to that field, _directly twenty kilometers_ _south of here_, and train a bit. See you later!" Turning around, Naruto ninja-jumped up and left, making his way south.

Gaara turned around as well and spoke to his sister. "Temari, it is imperative that you go to this meeting. It is for the benefit of both our villages that you go and NOT MISS that meeting. I will see you later this evening." Before anyone could make a response, Gaara teleported away, leaving only a trail of sand in his wake. Finally realizing what her brother did, Temari stomped her foot and screamed out, "GAARA, GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANCE!" When Gaara didn't return, Temari pulled her pigtails in frustration and said, "Now what?!? How am I supposed to tell the Hokage that my IRRESPONSIBLE brother decided to skip out and play hooky!"

Shikamaru sighed and grumbled out, "Just blame it on Naruto."

The forever kind Chouji then remarked, "So you just gonna blame all this on Naruto-kun?"

"When have we **not** ever blamed Naruto?" Sakura added. Chouji shrugged his shoulders and gave up; he was too hungry to argue.

Knowing that it was up to her to defend her slave…..errr…..boyfriend, Ino said, "HEY, no picking on my boyfriend while he isn't here!"

"Tch…how troublesome. You know that it is his fault Ino."

Before Ino could retort back, Temari cut her off. "So blaming Naruto will work?"

"Well yeah, of course it will work. Shishou will rub her temples in frustration, curse at him, and call him a brat. After a minute, she'll realize it's futile and just waive it off and will find a way to torture him the next time she sees him." The rest of the gang looked at Sakura and all assumed the same thing, '_Sounds like she has a lot of experience in doing that._' Noticing the odd looks she was receiving, she put her hands on her hip and said, "Well, you guys would do the same thing too if you had her as your master. Getting hit with chakra enhanced punches that could pulverize a mountain everyday is not something I enjoyed."

**ABCDEFGHI'MBACKPQRSTUVWXYZ**

Naruto smiled once he saw Gaara land in front of him. "Oi, Gaara, I thought you had a meeting to attend."

Showing an expressionless face as usual, Gaara said, "Temari said she was more than willing to go in my place."

"So, wanna make our fight a little more interesting today?" After Gaara quirked his eyebrow, Naruto continued. "If I lose, I'll buy you whatever you want, but if I win, you're gonna buy me thirty bowls of ramen."

"Don't be ridiculous, I refuse. Everyone knows you won't lose if ramen is on the line. Let us begin."

Crossing his arms and putting on a huge smile, Naruto laughed brashly and arrogantly at Gaara. "HAHAHA, don't tell me your scared Gaara."

Not pleased at all for the comments and the laugh, Gaara answered back with an icy stare and threatening retort. "I am not scared. I just refuse to make a ridiculous bet."

"Chicken."

"…….."

When Gaara just stood there, Naruto began flapping his arms like a chicken while clucking, "BWOCK-BOCK-BOCK-BOCK……..**BU-COOOCK**!"

Incapable of showing an angry face but filled with rage, Gaara quietly said, "Fine, why don't we up the stakes, Uzumaki Naruto."

Stopping his chicken dance, Naruto asked, "What do you mean?"

"If I win, you will grant me a favor of whatever I ask of."

"What favor?"

"I will tell you that after I have won this match."

"Hey, that's not fair at all, you gotta tell me----"

"And if you win, I will buy you a hundred bowls of ramen."

"………."

"Do we have a deal?"

The drooling blonde ninja wiped off his spit and said, "You just made the biggest mistake of your life Gaara. There is no way I'm gonna lose this fight." Falling into a loose fighting stance, Naruto asked, "You ready to dance?" Waiting for an answer, Naruto was completely caught off guard when a ball of sand hit him on the back of his head. "OWWW……THAT HURT!"

"It was supposed to."

Rubbing his head furiously to ease the pain, he shouted, "But I didn't say go yet." Falling back into his fighting stance, Naruto continued, "When I say go….." Right as the word go came out of his lips, another ball of sand hit him in the exact same spot. "OWWW….THAT HURT EVEN MORE!"

"It was supposed to."

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED YET!"

"You said go."

"Look, I'll count to three and then say go. _Then_ we can start the match. Okay, you ready? One, two….."

"No."

"…three….huh?"

"No."

"No what?"

"You have the unfair advantage. Since you're counting, you can anticipate when you say go and have the unfair advantage to start the match."

Scratching his head in frustration, Naruto pulled out a kunai. "Okay, fine. I'll throw this kunai up into the air as high as I can, and once it hits the ground, we start. Is that fine with you?"

"It will do."

"Okay. Here goes." Naruto threw the weapon as hard as he could towards the sky. After launching the kunai upwards, Naruto kept his eye on the kunai as it ascended. Since he kept his eyes on the kunai, he didn't notice another ball of sand approach him. This time it hit him in the face. "OWW, WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?!?!!?"

"Oops, it slipped."

"LIAR, you did that on purpose!"

"Prove it."

Growling in frustration, Naruto looked around for any more surprise attack….and he missed the fact that the kunai landed. But Gaara didn't. Another ball of sand whacked Naruto on the back of his head and Naruto yelled in pain and frustration as he saw Gaara disappear into his shield ball of sand. "Gaara, you are sooooooo dead."

**ABCDEFGAARACHEATSRSTUVWXYZ**

A dejected Naruto was being treated by Sakura while grumbling about cheating sand users. With all the grumbling and complaining coming out of the loudest ninja in the universe, the Kazekage could only look pleased with his victory over the fellow demon container. While it seemed like Gaara came out of the fight unscathed, he withstood quite a large amount of angry attacks from the blonde eyesore. But the outcome was worth every bruise and ache he attained because he was able to acquire any means of compensation for winning the challenge. Waiting for the pink-haired medic-nin to finish healing Naruto, Gaara continued to ignore Temari's report on the meeting. Seeing and knowing that Gaara was ignoring her, Temari started to rant about irresponsible brothers. After a particular and colorful remark, Gaara finally looked at Temari and gave her a questioning glance. "What did Kankuro do now?"

Temari suddenly turned into an angry woman (AKA: A Demon) with Gaara's ignorant question, but before she could whip out her fan and serve out her righteous fury, Naruto interrupted and saved Gaara's ass by asking, "Alright, you win, you cheating 'I-only-have-to-stand-there-and-let-the-sand-do-all-the-work' sneaky bastard. What's the favor you want?" The last part of that statement was said through clenched teeth.

"I will inform you of your task once we are alone." Turning to the rest of the crowd, Gaara relayed an order. "Everyone leave."

Completely surprised with the command, the rest of the group could only look on in shock or stutter like a Hyuuga heiress. Temari, who was already angered as it was, said, "Now wait a minute. You can't just say leave after we just got here. I want to know what happened and why Naruto is doing a favor for you. Better yet, I want to know what the favor is. I deserve to know after attending that boring meeting that **you** were supposed to attend." Crossing her arms, Temari stood her ground against her brother.

"If you don't leave now, I will tell Shikamaru what you bought for him before departing for Konoha. And I will do so in front of everyone here. In fact, maybe it would be better if I showed everyone what it is."

Temari panicked as she remembered the skimpy lingerie that she bought that didn't cover up certain parts of her body so that a lazy shadow user can easily have access. And realizing that Gaara wouldn't hesitate to deliver on his threat, she quickly began moving the crowd away from the jinchuuriki duo. "C'mon guys, lets give the two of them some time to bond and what not. After all, there's nothing interesting here to see or hear."

While Temari was somehow pushing four ninjas, including one massive Akimichi, Shikamaru said, "Stop being so troublesome. And what's the big deal? I don't care if the rest of my friends know what you got for me."

"SHUT UP! I didn't buy you a present. That was just Gaara's way of signaling that he wanted some privacy."

The two girls and Chouji just went "Ah," and Temari nearly pulled off a well designed distraction. However, like all men in relationships, Shikamaru screwed up and ruined her quick-thinking actions. "Well then why is your face all red and why is that phrase the signal?"

Temari's answer was delivered directly from her mouth and screamed into the shadow user's unfortunate ear. "BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO!"

**ABCKINKYTEMARIOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

Meanwhile, our two lovable demon-containers were having a conversation. And after Gaara articulated his favor, Naruto immediately screamed, "WHAT! Are you crazy?!?!"

The ever stoic Gaara then asked back, "Is my mental welfare going to be a problem for this situation?"

"Well, no, but have you gone insane? I can't believe the favor you want is…..that."

"When have you ever known my sanity to be stable?"

Scratching his head and laughing nervously, Naruto couldn't help but agree. "Guess you're right. I still can't believe it though. And I guess you _would_ have to be nuts and out of your mind to pursue someone like Anko." Naruto was completely shocked when Gaara confessed his feelings for the purple haired Mitarashi. Apparently, it seemed that Gaara had no idea on how to pursue a girl, so he asked Naruto to help him with his plight. Still confused on how Gaara could ever develop feelings for the evil…..err….crazy….err….sadistic……err…..not so average kunoichi but ever ready to help a friend in need, Naruto addressed Gaara. "Okay, I'm gonna need Ino to help me with this situation. So just sit tight while I go look for her, and I _highly_ suggest you reconsider your decision to chase after Anko."

Leaving Gaara to his own devices, Naruto left to search for Ino. After locating her Naruto quickly flashed into the middle of the group and whisked Ino away before anyone could even comment about his arrival. Temari, who was still red from blushing earlier, asked, "What the fuck was that?"

Shikamaru, who had Sakura healing his eardrums in hope of him regaining his hearing, asked in a sarcastic tone of voice, "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? I COULDN'T HEAR YOU WITH ALL THE BLOOD IN MY EAR!"

Naruto returned to Gaara with Ino in his arms. After putting her down, Naruto said, "Sorry about that Ino, I didn't mean to surprise you or anything, but I needed your help with Gaara."

"What am I supposed to help with?"

Before Naruto could explain the situation, Gaara interrupted. "Uzumaki Naruto, I am unsure of whether or not I am comfortable about Yamanaka Ino knowing of my situation."

"Don't worry Gaara. Ino won't say anything. Plus, I can help you much better with her here. I'll be able to give demonstrations and examples on what to do."

Gaara nodded his head and said, "Alright, I shall trust you in this endeavor. As long as you succeed in this task, I shall not complain."

Not happy with being part of the background, Ino made herself known again. "Okay, now that we established a base of trust, can someone tell me what the hell is going on?!?!

"Gaara gots the hots for Anko, and we're here to help him bag her."

Silence filled the air for just a moment before Ino commented about Naruto's explanation. "Well…..that was a lot shorter of an explanation than I was expecting."

Naruto shrugged. "It's direct, precise, and straight to the point."

"Okay, I guess I can't argue." Ino then directed her attention to Gaara. "Okay, when Naruto said Anko, I'm assuming you guys are talking about Mitarashi Anko, am I right?" When Gaara nodded his head in the affirmative, Ino asked another question. "Just to be ENTIRELY sure, purple-haired snake user with a trench-coat and eats dangos almost as religiously as Naruto eats ramen?" Once again nodding his head, Ino slowly asked, "You do know that she's almost two decades older than you?"

"I am aware of the age gap."

Ino took a deep breath and cautiously asked, "You do know that she is a psychopathic, blood-thirsty maniac with an unhealthy obsession for violence?"

Pausing for a moment that was in complete and not entirely comfortable silence, Gaara responded. "I don't know how well you know me and my past, but I do not feel uncomfortable about bloodshed and violence is my only outlet for stress release. She is also probably much more mentally stable than I will ever hope to be."

Not quite sure on how to respond to his response, she said, "Okay, just making sure. Could you now tell me why you like her, it could help us help you."

"Her personality is much like Naruto's and I am attracted to it."

Quickly making his way behind Ino and embracing her from behind, Naruto made sure to inform Gaara where he stood in his sexuality. "Wow Gaara, I never would have expected you to swing both ways. But I'm straight and I'm with Ino."

Not pleased with Naruto's comment, Gaara promptly retorted, "I have no interest in men. It's just that you are my best friend and I have come to enjoy your boisterous outlook in life. I see the same positive attitude exerted by Mitarashi Anko and I am intrigued by her in ways only a female can cause, Uzumaki Naruto." After expressing his reasons, he waited for the other two to comprehend all that was said.

"So is her personality the only thing that attracted you to her?" Ino asked.

"No, there is one other thing."

"Oh, what is it?"

"She has really big breasts."

"………"

Ino's eye twitched. But before she could comment about said statement, Naruto opened his mouth and pissed Ino off even more. "Yeah, I know where you coming from. She's got some very nicely shaped melons." However, a few seconds after he shared his thoughts on Anko's rack, the perverted grin fell from his face as he noticed a red haze beside him. Seeing his slave-driver….err….girlfriend angry, he quickly added onto his comment. "But her breasts aren't nearly as nice as Ino's."

Even more pissed off when Naruto compared her chest with the special jounin's chest, she was startled when Gaara began staring at her assets. Immediately covering her chest with her arms, she screamed with a red face, "DON'T JUST LOOK AT THEM!"

After making his observations, Gaara said, "No, Mitarashi Anko's breast are bigger and seem to be better formed than Yamanaka Ino's."

Appalled with the fact that the Kazekage was comparing her bust with those of Anko's and hearing Gaara's dissatisfaction with her milk-processors, she shrunk with embarrassment. Noticing his girlfriend's reaction, he defended her. "Oi Gaara, she isn't that much smaller than Anko. It's just that the clothes and chest-wrapping make it seem smaller. I can tell you this, she has one of the best set of hooters in this village. I would put it in the top five of Konoha."

Ino wanted to disappear. Her boyfriend and Kazekage were casually conversing about her breasts like they were talking about weapons. '_Oh my goodness, this is so embarrassing. Can it get any worse?_' Oh yes it can.

Gaara seemed intrigued with what Naruto said. "Is that so? I didn't assume that she was wearing chest-bindings. I guess that would affect the outward shape and size of her chest." Turning towards Ino, he let out a command. "Take off your shirt and wrappings so I can properly see if what Uzumaki Naruto said was correct."

Ino squeaked at the order. According to the mission parameters, unless the Hokage herself contradicted it, the Kazekage's orders were to be treated like the Hokage's orders. Unable to figure out what to do, Ino silently thanked Naruto as he stood in front of her and addressed the red-haired vessel. "C'mon now Gaara, it isn't really proper to go around and order girls to take off their shirts. You can stare at their chest as long as they don't catch you, but you definitely can't ask them to just take off their shirt."

"Why not? If I ordered someone to take off their shirt, they should have no qualms and take off their shirt."

Naruto pondered about it for a moment before shaking his head. "Well, you could order them to do it, and it would be nice to just order all the hot girls you meet to do it, but it wouldn't be right. It's like killing, Gaara, you can do it; but, just because you can do it, doesn't mean its right to do it."

Gaara nodded his head slowly and responded with a, "I see."

All Ino could do was groan at the comparison to ordering-girls-to-take-off-their-tops to killing. If it wasn't for the fact that Ino was currently hiding her face in Naruto's back, she would have bopped Naruto for his comments about staring at girls' chests and how it would be nice to order hot girls to strip. "I can't believe this, I'm surrounded by perverts. Why are all overpowered, male ninjas perverts?"

Naruto's answer just made Ino groan even more in frustration. "Well that's just a side-effect from having too much power." Naruto cleared his throat so he could speak in a solemn, serious voice. "After all, with great power, comes great perverseness."

'_Why the hell is he my boyfriend?_'

**ABCDEFANKOHASNICERACKVWXYZ**

"Okay, listen carefully, Gaara. Women like to beat around the bush and be difficult with men. It's in their nature. But just because they are like that, doesn't mean they want their men to be like that. Over three quarters of all females want a man who is confident and assertive. Sure they go around saying, 'I'm independent and I don't need a man to tell me what to do.' But just because they don't need a man to take care of them, doesn't mean they don't want a man that they can depend on. So the first thing you will be doing when you approach Anko is to let her know what kind of man you are. You will make direct eye contact and introduce yourself to her with a strong, firm voice. Make sure your posture isn't rigid or stiff, it'll tell her that you're either nervous or uncomfortable. But you also don't want to fidget. You with me so far?" Gaara, who was captivated with Naruto's words, nodded his head while Ino merely rolled her eyes at her boyfriend. '_Oh my God, this is the most testosterone filled speech I've ever heard._'

Finding himself really into this lesson, Naruto continued with a passion that made Ino roll her eyes again. "Okay, once you established yourself to her, you want to make small conversation with her for a bit. And knowing you, I'm pretty sure you don't want to wait or develop something with her that will take time. You won't be in town for long and you don't have history with her to build upon. Therefore, you will take the high risk, high reward route. Because this is high risk, the consequences of failing could leave you in a spot where you might not have another chance with her. But the reward is by the end of your visit here in Konoha, you will have bagged THE Mitarashi Anko of Konoha. Are you prepared to take this route?"

"I am."

"Good……Ino come and help me with the demonstration now." Ino, who was completely dismayed by the bullshit that was coming out of the other blonde's mouth, moved over to Naruto so he could start his demonstration. "Now Gaara, once you've created a comfortable atmosphere with her, that is when you'll make your move on her. You'll continue your small talk, and while you do, you will non-conspicuously move closer to her and eliminate most of the empty space between you and her." While he was speaking, Naruto closed the distance between himself and Ino without drawing much attention to his actions. Once he was inside Ino's personal space, he continued talking but switched his gaze from Gaara to Ino. "Now, it's important that you don't lose eye contact here. Eye contact is very important. Once you have her gaze locked on you as well, stop talking with your mouth and start talking with your eyes."

"I do not understand how you can talk with your eyes."

Not breaking eye contact with Ino, he continued his lesson in a softer tone of voice. "Talking is just another form of communication. You wanna communicate to the one you love with your eyes by first losing yourself into her beautiful eyes." At this point, Ino was completely silent as she herself was finding herself lost in the moment. "You lose yourself in her eyes by thinking about all the things you love about her. You convey all your emotion with your own eyes to her, hoping against hope, that she'll understand and find herself lost within your own eyes." Naruto reached for Ino's hands and placed them in his own. "After being lost in her sheer beauty, you want to make some kind of contact, another type of unspoken communication. Softly caress or hold her and draw yourself even nearer." Like Naruto explained, Naruto slowly slid up closer to Ino until not much space was between their bodies.

By this time, Gaara no longer spoke, and merely listened and observed. Even though Naruto was talking to Gaara, the mood indicated that the words were mostly for Ino, since neither of the couple seemed to remember Gaara being present. Not wanting to break the moment, Gaara stayed silent.

While everything was quiet, the only sound being Naruto's voice and Ino's extremely loud heartbeat, Ino's mind was far from silent. Not only could she hear her heart beating on the outside, she could feel it pounding in her head since Naruto wouldn't break his gaze with Ino with even a blink. Blood rushed to her face and Naruto's actions brought memories of times when the two of them would just share quiet moments of solitude. She remembered how Naruto would stare at her much like he was currently when no words were being exchanged between the two. She couldn't help herself but look away or blush at the intensive look she would always receive. On one particular occasion after the first few times they would spend these private moments together, she broke the silence and said if he kept staring at her, he would grow tired of Ino's looks and leave her with a broken heart. While she spoke in jest to break the calm peace, Naruto's response was anything but. "I would never grow tired of looking at you. I see something new every time." Daunted with the softly spoken but serious words, she asked him with a tiny voice what he saw. Naruto would then gently smile and say, "I see a woman I love more than the woman I loved yesterday." After that incident, Ino never looked away and returned Naruto's loving gaze with the same intensity and a content smile.

Naruto continued his lesson. "After you close the distance with her, you want to close the distance between your faces. Shift your gaze just for a moment to her luscious lips. Then, as if by some magical, magnetic force, move your lips closer to hers slowly." As Ino and Naruto drew closer together, Naruto spoke even more quietly. "Finally, when you can feel her excited breath upon your own, close your eyes and prepare yourself for the most amazing feeling……" Ino closed her eyes, did as Naruto explained, and prepared herself. Right before lips touched, Naruto whipped around and gave Gaara his patented fox grin. "After that, she'll be putty in your hands," Naruto said in his normal, boisterous voice.

Eyes wide open from the momentary shock when her lips only met with air, Ino recovered once she heard Naruto's last statement. Hand forming into a shaking fist, she prepared to dish out her righteous, womanly wrath (AKA: ARMAGEDDON) until Naruto interrupted her. He swept Ino into his arms and gave the steamiest kiss in history that included lip-to-lip contact, tongue-to-tongue contact, hand-to-ass contact, hand-to-chest contact, and/or whatever the hell your perverted mind can conjure up. Whatever you think is hot and steamy that could happen in a kiss, it happened. Once this amazing make-out session finished, Naruto gave another closed-eye smile and said, "Oh, and you should do something spontaneous like that. Girls love that shit."

Noticing that Ino could no longer support herself with her legs and seemed to be draping herself all over Naruto to stay vertical, Gaara made note of the goofy grin and glazed eyes on her face. He also noticed how Ino's mouth was moving but the only thing coming out seemed to be garbled jumble. "I believe you have broken her."

Taking a look at his significant other, he merely laughed and said, "Naw….she's just reveling in the after-effects of a chakra-enhanced, corkscrew, jackhammer tongue technique. I call it the 'Unstoppable Tongue no Jutsu.' Of course, you did give me an idea. Maybe I should rename it the 'Break-A-Girl no Jutsu.' By the way, make a note. It works on both lips of a woman." Naruto winked after his sexual innuendo.

Quirking his non-existent eyebrow, Gaara asked, "I did not know you could concentrate chakra to your tongue. But more importantly, I did not know that chakra enhanced the experience."

"Yeah, well, you would be amazed at all the things chakra could possibly do."

Gaara looked over to Ino wondered when she would recover. "How long will she stay in her current state of being."

Shrugging his shoulders, Naruto said, "Well I don't know how long she'll actually stay this way, but I know a sure-fire way to get her out of it."

"And what is this method?"

Taking on a serious look, Naruto addressed the Kazekage. "All you have to do is say a word. But before I tell you what that word is, you must understand that this particular word is a forbidden word when speaking with women. Right now I can say bitch, whore, slut, or even cunt and she won't come out of this funk. But there is one word you can say or call a girl that will put fury into a woman."

Intrigued that there could be a forbidden word, Gaara asked, "And what is this word?"

"The forbidden word is…….fat."

Immediately Ino grabbed Naruto by his shirt and lifted him up. In an icy tone of voice, she not-so-sweetly asked, "Did you just call me fat?"

In an intimidated voice, Naruto responded, "Of course not honey. Gaara was just talking about your teammate and how fat Chouji has gotten. But I told him its probably not wise to use that word around him."

Blinking at his clarification, she said, "Oh," and put Naruto down. Turning to Gaara, she said, "Yeah, you shouldn't use that word around him. For some reason he's very sensitive to that word, which I don't understand. He's the only one I know that would ever react so strongly to a single word. I mean c'mon, its just a word."

Gaara opened his mouth to comment about Ino's own action but he saw Naruto standing behind Ino doing a slicing motion to his neck indicating that Gaara should just shut up. Knowing that his friend would never lead him astray, Gaara acknowledged Ino with a, "I see."

Naruto diverted Ino's attention and asked Ino for a favor. "Alright, now that we got our game plan down, we just gotta find her. Could you go look for her while I go over some last minute things with Gaara?" Ino nodded in the affirmative and left in search of Anko. After she departed Naruto turned back to Gaara to give the last of his wisdom. "Okay, now that you know the forbidden word, all you have to do is remember not to say that word and avoid using words that could possibly relate to it in any way. That means you can't use: large, big, wide, plus-size, humongous, enormous, thick, husky, chubby, stout, heavy, tubby, plump, overweight, round, chunky, massive, and bulky. I'm pretty sure I'm leaving out a lot of words you need to avoid using, but I think you get the idea. Of course, you can use these words as long as it is _clearly_ understood that fat can't be directly or indirectly associated with said words. Of course, I think its better safe than sorry to avoid using those words."

Having trouble memorizing a whole list of adjectives and adverbs, Gaara asked, "I've talked to women before, and I never had problems using these words."

"Well, that's because you're not cursed with a big mouth like mine. You don't say much and everything you say is pretty direct and there isn't much you can misunderstand or misinterpret. So the less you say, the better off you'll be."

Reflecting upon the blonde's words, Gaara then asked, "You say it's better to say less; however, I always find Temari wanting to talk with Shikamaru. She is also not the only female I have come across where they seek out more conversations with their significant other. So how come talking less is better?"

"The reason why girls always want to talk is because they need reassurance. They need reassurance that the relationship is going good. They need reassurance that they are still attractive. They also need reassurance that there is still meaning and a future in their relationship. That's why they always wanna talk. But the problem is because they need reassurance, they have a negative outlook when they have a need to talk. So when the guy talks, the girl will rearrange all of the guy's word and interpret said words into a meaning that guys totally didn't mean to express. Next, a fight will break out cuz the girl thinks the guy said something mean, while the guy is confused on what just happened."

His brain fried from an overload of information, Gaara looked helpless and lost. "So when a girl wants to talk, it's very bad to talk." Naruto nodded his head. "And the girl wants to talk to feel reassured, but no matter what the guy says, the girl will feel anger once the guy speaks." Naruto nodded his head again. '_So why does the girl even bother talking?_' "I feel...confused."

With a bright smile, Naruto said, "That's great! You are now on par with every guy out there in a relationship. So any last comments or questions before you sell your soul…..errr…..commit to a female?"

"Yes."

Not expecting him to say anything, Naruto quirked his head and asked, "Oh really, and what's that?"

In his usual, monotone voice, Gaara dryly remarked. "Fuck."

**ABCDEFGAARASAIDFUCKTUVWXYZ**

Naruto hid behind a bush with Ino and watched as Gaara made his way to Anko.

"Hey Naruto, are you sure Gaara can win Anko over with all that garbage you told him?"

"HEY, my words of advice were NOT garbage. It was researched material and has an eighty percent chance of succeeding."

"So? What about the other twenty percent? What if Gaara fails, which I still think he will with your crappy advice, and what if he goes on a murderous rampage in a heartbroken state?"

"Then we just run like hell and blame it on Anko for being heartless. Shh….he approached her. Let's watch what happens."

As Gaara approached Anko, he remembered Naruto's words and started a conversation to create an easy atmosphere. "Konbanwa Mitarashi Anko. How are you this evening?" As he spoke, he also remembered that Naruto said to keep his posture from being too stiff or rigid and did his best to maintain a loose but confident stance. And since all of his stances look alike and the fact he is most confident when brutally killing someone, his stance was rigid as the rod that's stuck up all Hyuuga's assess.

A surprised Anko slightly jumped when she came face to face with Gaara. Not really understanding why the Kazekage was crossing paths with her and also being completely startled on the fact that Gaara appeared to be ready to attack her, Anko merely returned the greeting. "Good evening Kazekage-sama. Is there something I can do to help you tonight?"

Remembering the tactic that Naruto taught him, Gaara went on to begin with small talk. "I enjoy dango."

"I see."

"…….."

"……."

"……."

"……..."

Naruto slapped his forehead at the horrible performance Gaara was giving. '_What the hell is he doing? Small talk doesn't include long points of uncomfortable silence._' Ever ready for action, the only living Uzumaki prepared to step out and help his friend in need. Ino, who saw her boyfriend about to stand up and most likely make fool of himself _and_ Gaara, stopped him. "Don't you dare move from this spot." Noticing the icy glare that Ino directed at him, Naruto knew that while he would normally never abandon a friend, he couldn't help but feel that maybe, _just maybe_, Gaara didn't need his help. Reassessing the dire situation, Naruto decided that, no, Gaara didn't need his help yet. And Ino's evil…..err…..icy stare didn't influence Naruto's decision at all. No sir.

Anko was starting to feel quite uncomfortable in the presence of Gaara, and was startled when Gaara abruptly interrupted the silence. "I have heard that you also take pleasure in dango. Is this true?"

"Yeah, I guess you can say that."

Gaara was becoming desperate. Of course he didn't show it, but he really was beginning to get desperate. Moving on with the battle tactics, he got ready for the next step: Move closer in an inconspicuous way and start communicating with the eyes. Since the only way Gaara knew how to move inconspicuously was to teleport, he teleported in front of Anko. He then started to gaze lovingly into Anko's eyes. Realize that all of Gaara's gazes, stares, or glares relatively looked the same. Meaning that he was gazing at her with his, 'I-am-about-to-squish-you-to-oblivion-and-take-great-joy-in-doing-so' gaze.

Anko, at this point, was _extremely_ nervous. Mitarashi Anko isn't supposed to get nervous, but here she was, nervous enough to piss her panties, if she even wears panties. Which would be really hot if she didn't wear any panties at all. But back to the point, Anko was no push-over ninja. However, Gaara is the fucking Kazekage. She had no disillusions at all that the Kazekage was powerful enough to kill Anko. But nervous is okay in the shinobi world. Nervous just means you're anticipating danger and doesn't mean you are in danger. Scared, on the other hand, means you have just encountered something dangerous and it means that you are in a situation where all things point to bad. Scared is very bad in the shinobi world. And scared is what the purple haired Mitarashi became when Gaara teleported from five feet away to just a foot away from her. Tense and slowly backing away from the Kazekage, Anko began to sweat as Gaara continued to keep the distance between the both of them at a constant foot difference by walking with her at her slow but frantic pace. When Anko's back hit a wall, her eyes widened in fear knowing that there was no more escape. Gulping a _very large_ lump in her throat, she mustered up all the courage she had and faced anything that could come her way….and all her courage died when she made eye contact. The Kazekage was staring at her like he was imagining every way possible to drench her blood over the streets. She quickly grabbed a kunai and stumbled out a warning. "I m-might not stand m-much of a chance against you. But it doesn't mean I won't go down without a fight."

Confused, Gaara decided to interpret her words as, 'I will not easily give myself to you.' Therefore, he decided to use the spontaneous act that Naruto earlier demonstrated, since girls seemed to 'love that shit.' After an unseen signal, Gaara moved over to Anko quickly to sweep her into his arms and kiss her, hoping to also cop a feel at her honkers while making out. But alas, this is not what happened. Anko believed Gaara made the first move, and once that move was made, she quickly used kawamiri with some inanimate object and threw her kunai at Gaara to distract him. The sand of course stopped the attack, but the kunai did its purpose by distracting the sand user. She used the distraction to quickly teleport away in a swirl of leaves which was the customary teleportation technique used in Konoha.

Naruto and Ino looked on in shock at what happened. No comments seemed appropriate at the moment, but Ino decided that breaking the silence would be prudent. "I thought you said that Gaara liked Anko."

"Yeah, I thought so too." Moving his attention from the spot where Anko disappeared to Gaara, Naruto noticed his expression. "Actually, I don't think he attacked Anko. I think he really does like her. He looks kinda, I don't know, dejected?"

"Are you sure he's just not depressed cuz Anko got away before he could kill her?"

"I'm pretty sure that if he wanted her dead or hurt, he would be capable of doing so. And he definitely wouldn't just stand there and let his prey get away." Frowning at the look of rejection on his friend's face, Naruto decided on a course of damage control. "Ino, go chase after Anko and make sure she doesn't make a state of alarm or something. Calm her down and try to keep her in one place. I'll talk with Gaara again, and let's try to clear up the misunderstanding between the both of them." Ino nodded her head and went in search of Anko.

After Ino disappeared, Naruto walked up to dejected Sand leader a placed a hand on the redhead's shoulder. "Hey buddy, doing alright?" It was a stupid question to ask; of course Gaara didn't feel alright, but it was all Naruto could think to ask. And as Gaara lifted his eyes to meet Naruto's, it was clear to Naruto that things were far from okay. "C'mon, there's a place where I always go whenever I'm down. I'll take you there and then we can discuss our plan of attack, part two, on capturing Mitarashi Anko's heart." Giving his brightest, most reassuring smile he had, Naruto's hopes lifted when Gaara nodded his head and followed Naruto towards the Hokage Monument.

Elsewhere, a huffing and puffing Yamanaka Ino caught up with the snake using special jounin. "Anko-san, wait up!"

Hearing her name, Anko turned around and noticed the blonde kunoichi. "Who the hell are you?" Shaking her head, she didn't bother to wait for Ino's answer. "Never mind, it doesn't matter. I have to hurry up and report to the Hokage that we are under attack from the Sand Village."

"No, wait, that's what I wanted to talk about."

"Huh?"

"Gaara wasn't attacking you?"

Anko looked confused. "What are you talking about?"

"I was there when you were talking with Gaara. You completely misunderstood the situation and Gaara wasn't attacking you."

Anko narrowed her eyes and quietly asked, "Were you spying on me?"

Taking a step back from the piercing glare she was receiving, Ino stammered out, "Uh….I wasn't really spying, per se."

Not letting up on her intense stare, Anko continued, "I recognize you now. You're that girl Yamanaka, Ibiki's bitch."

"I am NOT Ibiki sensei's bitch. I'm his APPRENTICE." Ino retorted.

"Feh, he has tons of apprentices. They never last. Seeing how you're still articulating your words without stumbling, you seem to still have your sanity. You probably haven't been his apprentice for more than a few weeks then."

This time, it was Ino who steeled a determined glance. "I've been his student for over a year."

She didn't outwardly show her surprise with that statement, but Anko did a double-take and reassessed the girl in front of her. Looking Ino up and down, Anko said, "For such a hardass that he always claimed to be, he never could say no to a pretty face. You probably got him wrapped around your little finger, huh?"

Angered by Anko's comment, Ino replied, "Trust me, I'm more than just a pretty face."

Slightly frowning that Ino didn't seem to be backing down at all, Anko shrugged her shoulders. "Whatever, Ibiki always liked em feisty. Probably the reason why he enjoys having me around. But then again, every guy enjoys having me around." Anko winked at Ino. "So how come he got you spying on me?"

Ino crossed her arms and said, "Like I said earlier, he didn't have me spy on you. And I wasn't spying at all. I was helping Gaara."

Anko pulled out a kunai and asked, "Oh really? And just what exactly were you helping him with?"

Eyeing the deadly kunai and then eyeing the even more deadly kunoichi, Ino chose her words carefully. "I was helping him with the issue of relationships. He was trying to capture your attention using my idiot boyfriend's advice on woman, but as you can personally see, his advice failed to do the job."

"Your boyfriend's advice was to attack me?"

"No, " Ino drawled out, "it's just that Gaara couldn't quite duplicate what Naruto wanted him to do."

Anko took a moment to digest all the information. Then she realized something. "Your boyfriend is that pipsqueak blonde who shouts at least a hundred times a day that he's gonna be Hokage?"

Red creeping up on her face, Ino shyly remarked, "Yeah, that's my idiot boyfriend."

Anko whistled and a newfound respect for the Yamanaka crept out. "Damn girl, not only are you Ibiki's apprentice, but you're that kid's girlfriend. I could understand how survived Ibiki, I'm pretty sure someone eventually would, but to survive that kid? You must be something else."

"HEY! Naruto-kun is a sweet guy and is really good to me!"

"C'mon kid, drop the defensive girl act and get real with me. I don't need to be hearing that bimbo shit from you."

"Okay, and you're right. I must have a screw loose somewhere for me to be normal even after dating that idiot buffoon. Must be all the head jumping I do." Ino shrugs her shoulders and continues. "And one of these days, I swear, that color he wears all the time is gonna make me go blind." Both females shuddered at the thought of the horrible color. "But all joking aside, I love him and he is more than I deserve. And I don't care if I lose brain cells while enduring his idiocy or lose my sight with orange in my eyes all the time. It's all worth it if he continues to say I'm his and he's mine." Ino ended her proclamation by putting both hands on her hips and challenging Anko to say something otherwise with her actions.

Putting up both her hands up in hopes to placate the blonde, Anko said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy now, I didn't say the brat wasn't special. No need to go girlfriend of the year on my ass. Geez, make one little joke about their man, and girls go psycho on me. And people say I'm crazy." Bringing a fist in front of her mouth, Anko coughed and cleared her throat. "So you say that the Kazekage is crushing on me, eh?"

"Yeah, about that. This is the first time Gaara has felt this way bout a girl and he's having a little trouble with pursuing someone." '_Pursuing someone without the goal of killing them._' "And that's why things were," Ino tried to find the right words, "a little awkward." Ino had the decency to look sheepish and continued speaking. "So, I'm here trying to clear up this misunderstanding and _try_ to convince you to come back and have a conversation with the Wind Lord."

Anko took a moment to think about the situation. It isn't everyday you have the most powerful person of a country, strength wise and political position wise, come out and declare an interest in you. After a moment, Anko asked, "You do realize that I am much older than him?"

"I know that and the Kazekage acknowledged the fact that he was aware of the age gap."

Anko then slowly asked, "Does he realize that I'm a blood-thirsty maniac with an unhealthy obsession for violence?"

Ino blinked at the question and had no other clue on how to assess that question. Instead, she opted for Gaara's answer. "I believe his exact words were, 'I don't know how well you know me and my past, but I do not feel uncomfortable about bloodshed and violence is my only outlet for stress release.' He also stated that you're probably much more mentally stable than he will ever hope to be."

A big, Mitarashi Anko patented grin broke out. "Well, well, sounds like my kind of guy." Now happy with the bizarre situation and the potential of having the Kazekage as a boyfriend, Anko finished off her interrogation by asking, "So did the sand squirt give any reasons on why he fell head over heels for me?"

"Said something bout liking your personality."

Anko frowned at that. "That it? No guy really hits on me cuz of my personality. Did he give any other reasons?"

Ino mumbled out a response. Not understanding what Ino said, Anko asked her to speak up. "He also said you have big breasts."

After that statement was said, a humongous smile broke out on Anko's face. "Now THAT'S more like it. BWA-HAHAHA!" Grabbing her orbs with a hand each, she proclaimed, "These baby gets them every time. HAH, I knew that these assets of mine would hit the jackpot one of these days." Anko then kissed each one of her fleshy globes (drool). "Don't worry girls, mama is gonna compensate you girls and buy a dango shop once we get that hunk of a Kazekage as our personal sex slave. Damn I'm sexy! MUHAHAHA!" After she was done kissing her boobs and squeezing them….and caressing them….and playing with her nipples….and sliding her hands over her luscious, luscious hips….and sticking a finger in her………(sorry people, kinda got sidetracked with the mental image…back to the story….I think I just ejaculated). "Okay kid, take me to my future man."

Saying Ino was appalled would probably be a correct statement right about now. Key word is "would." No, she wasn't appalled, she was too busy being in shock. It wouldn't matter how much Tsunade, Kurenai, Sakura, or Tenten tried to improve on the image of a kunoichi. It just got all undone by the random outburst of one named Mitarashi Anko. Disgusted with all the men passed out around her and sympathizing with all the angry woman glaring at Anko, Ino addressed Anko. "Follow me, I'll take you to the Kazekage."

**ABCDEFGHIHEARTANKOSTUVWXYZ**

"Look, maybe I should have given you the theory of getting a girl instead of providing an example."

Gaara looked on in surprise. "There is a theory on how to pick up women?"

"Yeah, Ero-Sennin wrote a book called _Icha Icha: Picking up Women_. It's actually a pretty good book with good advice."

"I was not aware such a book exists."

"Yeah, for some reason, Ero-Sennin hasn't released it out to the public yet. So you're getting a sneak peak at it." Naruto wiped the grin from his face and coughed, getting into serious mode. "Now there is a lot of situational circumstances on picking up women. Such circumstances could be trying pick up a co-worker, picking up a younger sister figure, or picking up the older sister figure. However, the most popular and common one is the situation you're in Gaara. How to pick up a woman you've never met. There's sub-situations to this also, and unfortunately for you, you land in the harder sub-situation. The thing is, you don't have a lot of time, which means you have to enact the triple A tactic, or simply TAT. The TAT is basically: Appear, Admit, and Adhere. You with me so far?"

"Yes."

"Okay, good. Now, the first phase of creating a relationship is called Appear. Basically, in order to capture a girl's attention, they gotta first know you exist. And by knowing you exist, you have to make a huge, I repeat, HUGE first impression. You don't want her to pass you off as another guy or some random guy. No, you have to be a distinct and unique impression upon her mind. And with the stunt you pulled earlier, trust me on this, you have her attention." Naruto coughed lightly and winced once he saw the downtrodden look that graced Gaara's face. Berating himself for reminding Gaara about his failures, Naruto quickly continued. "Look Gaara, it wasn't that bad. The situation can still be salvaged as long as you can keep your head up and not give up. You're not giving up on me, are you?"

"No, I am not giving up."

"Good, that's the spirit. Now the second part is the hardest, and this is the part where you kinda failed at. Admit means you need to find a subtle way to announce to her that you like her. Now before you say anything, I know that subtle isn't your forte and that you would rather just come out and say it. THAT is the last thing you want to do. Just saying it outright to a girl is kind of a turn-off. They don't like it easy. I don't know why they don't like it easy, but they don't. Don't give me that look Gaara. I don't understand women. Men aren't supposed to understand women. We just know that for some reason, women like to play the whole mixed signals game. I know this is tough, I had the same problems too."

Gaara interrupted Naruto. "You had problems with this too?"

"Yeah, I screwed up this part too. When I got with Ino, I blurted out that I liked her instead of trying to leave obvious hints that I liked her. Heh, she flat out rejected me. Wasn't such a hot feeling."

"What did you do to rectify the situation?"

"There wasn't anything I could do. I already declared my feelings for her. But even though I did that, I still obtained the goal of Admit, just not in a favorable way. It made the third part harder."

"So that means the third part will also be a difficult path for me."

Naruto shook his head. "No, actually, you haven't screwed up completely yet. You still have a chance of attaining the objective of this part in a favorable light." Naruto looked at the questioning glance on Gaara's face and continued. "She still doesn't know that you like her. That means you still have a chance to make her realize your feelings for her. We'll work on that part after I finish up TAT. The last part is Adhere. Definition of adhere is: stay attached, stick fast, be attached as a follower or upholder, and to hold closely or firmly. There's more definitions than just that, but those are the important ones. Now that you have admitted your feelings, now the ball is in her court. Your fate now lies in the hands of a female. She will do things to tear your confidence apart, question your devotion, and test your faith. You will ADHERE and stay close to her, so that she constantly knows you exist and you still like her. You will ADHERE and stick fast to your commitment in pursuing her. You will ADHERE and follow her to the ends of the earth if need be. And only after you have proven yourself to her, will she choose and accept you."

Gaara looked on solemnly at Naruto after absorbing all the knowledge Naruto imparted. "Is this the same path you followed?"

Naruto shrugged his shoulders. "More or less."

Gaara then asked a question that was bothering him for some time. "If these theories were written by your sensei, and these theories worked for you and Yamanaka Ino, how come you failed with Haruno Sakura?"

Naruto grumbled. "Ero-Sennin never wrote anything on close friends. Said something bout it being hopeless at that point."

"I see."

"Anyways, let's head back and get you back to the part two of TAT. When we go back, remember, the key to achieving the goal of part two is to successfully flirt with her. Understand?"

Feeling apprehensive about the advice, Gaara stated his concerns. "I do not know how to successfully flirt with a girl."

"Don't worry, no man knows how to do it. You're just gonna need to get lucky. Any last comments or questions before we head back?"

"Yes."

"Oh? What is it?"

In his usual, monotone voice, Gaara dryly remarked. "Fuck."

**ABCDEFGAARASAIDFUCKTUVWXYZ**

As the Gaara and Naruto approached Anko and Ino, Ino decided to say a few things. "Okay, Anko-san, try not freak out like last time and please give him….a chance?" Ino didn't get a chance to finish talking to Anko, since after she noticed Gaara coming, she gave a feral smirk and quickly disappeared only to reappear before Gaara and glomp on the Kazekage.

"Oh Kazekage-sama, I am so sorry for they way I acted earlier. It's just that I was so nervous talking to someone as powerful and handsome like yourself. Can you ever forgive me?" At some point of her life, Anko obviously perfected the airheaded bimbo act. For what reasons, it's probably better not to know.

Naruto looked on in shock as he saw arguably the deadliest kunoichi of Konoha make circular patterns on Gaara's chest with her finger and talking at an abnormally high pitch of voice and draping her curvaceous body on the lean red-head's body. Not comprehending how the person in front of him could be same person from earlier, Naruto noticed Gaara give a questioning glance to Naruto. But before any comments that could made, Anko quickly continued with her not-so-Anko act.

Dropping her voice from cute girl pitch to seductress pitch, Anko said, "Hhhmmm…..how about we leave these kids and go play adult with each other, Kazekage-sama." Anko purred in Gaara's ear and lightly squeezed his ass.

Naruto, who was still confused, took offense to the 'kids' remark and yelled out. "I am NOT a kid." Crossing his arms in front of him, Naruto gave his I-hate-authority stare at Anko.

Draping herself all over Gaara, she continued to demean Naruto. "Shoo now, go play kiddy games with that blonde girlfriend of yours. You won't be able to handle playing adult with me."

"I AIN'T A KID! I can handle you by myself just fine."

"Ooh….big words from a big mouth. I doubt you, a little genin fledgling could take me on, unlike the manly Kazekage I have here in my arms."

"Whatever you crazy purple-haired psycho. I can take you on anywhere, anytime. I'll have you screaming in ten minutes top!" Naruto got into a fighting position, ready to prove his worth as a ninja, while Ino slapped her face in embarrassment.

"Naruto, you ass, let's go." Ino grabbed Naruto by the back of his jacked and started to drag him away.

"Ino, c'mon, stop, I gotta prove to her that I'm a man. It won't take long. I'll even do it right here for everyone to see."

Anko merely grinned and licked her lips. "Ooh….kinky. Maybe you should let him go and try to prove himself. It'll be entertaining at the least."

Ino ignored everyone and continued to drag a protesting Naruto away.

Anko turned to the red-head in her arms. "You hear that, kid says he'll have me screaming in ten minutes top."

Gaara smirked and thanked Kankuro for the limited edition _Icha Icha Seduction_ he received for his birthday. "I'll have you screaming in five."

'_Powerful, rich, and possibly good in bed……this is too good to be true._' "So, you got a place here in town, or should we head to my place?"

**ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ**

"C'mon Ino-chan, I didn't know she was referring to _that_." Naruto and Ino were currently at Ino's apartment and Naruto was on his knees begging while Ino had her back turned to him. After clarifying what Anko was _really_ talking about, Naruto stuttered like an idiot while Ino played the universal 'I'm a pissed off woman right now' card. "I said I'm sorry Ino. Please look at me."

"Why should I? I'm obviously not the only girl you look at. Why should I forgive you when you were flirting with Anko right in front of me?" Of course she wasn't serious with her accusations, but Naruto didn't need to know that.

"Aw geez Ino, you should know that you're the only one I want to look at or be with. I love you and no one else!"

Ino opened one eye and looked at Naruto. "Really?"

"Yes really!"

"Okay then," Ino turned and faced Naruto, "to whom and only whom do you belong to?"

"I belong to you and only you."

"Who's mine and mine only?"

"Uzumaki Naruto is yours and yours only."

"To who do you dedicate your life as her slave."

"I dedicate my life as your slave, Yamanaka Ino-sama"

"Who's my slave bitch?"

"Uzumaki Naruto."

Ino grinned. "Okay then, slave, come and kiss me and pleasure your master."

Naruto returned the grin and said, "Hai, goshoujin-sama."

After locking lips, only one thought was made coherent. '_I could get used to this whole master/slave relationship._'

**Author's Note: Ok…..been gone for awhile. I was just trying to keep myself updated on current Naruto stuff. Lots happened…..Asuma died and Orochimaru died…..shit…..I had to redo part of the plot cuz of that. I'm trying to keep this story close to original story line as possible. I also noticed that most of the real good stories have omake in there somewhere. Aight, I'll give you guys a short one here. Enjoy.**

**OMAKE**

Ino and Tsunade were walking along the paths within the Konoha forest. All of a sudden they came upon some tracks. Ino freaked out and shouted, "Oh my God, those are bear tracks. We better be careful so that we don't run into any bears."

Tsunade, being the great Sannin she is, did her best to calm the frantic Yamanaka. "Calm down Ino, there's nothing to worry bout. Those are only deer tracks and we have nothing to worry bout."

"Really? Wow, you're so brave and smart Tsunade-sama. I'm glad I'm out here with you and no one else." Ino had her hands clasped together as she practically worshipped the Hokage with her eyes.

Thirty seconds later, the two blondes were hit by train.

**Author's Note Part Two: I would like to once again reiterate that I do not have a negative view on blondes. HOWEVER, I guess I do attack blondes quite frequently. But on my defense, it's only a sub-group that I attack. I only attack the really really really hot **_**female**_** bimbo and gullible blondes. If you fall under this category, you have more than the right to chew me out. So, if you fall under this category, please send me your name and phone number, hell your address as well, through my email with also a picture of yourself in a minimal to none amount of clothes (preferably nude, not naked…..I am a professional). I will endeavor to give you the apologetic sex that you so deserve from me as soon as I possibly can. Peaceout.**


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